Whatever I Do is Enough

Maybe it was that video I watched yesterday about one's Shadow Self... one that we all have. In the video, the distinction was that instead of avoiding the Shadow Self, the healthy path is to embrace and acknowledge it and to find avenues through which the lower vibration energies and actions can be expressed without repression. Maybe that was what I was feeling this morning when I could sense an anxiety for which there was no real reason other than some urgency I am foisting on myself. This, in turn, led to a lack of patience. Maybe that's what happens on autopilot, which is why I turn negative towards others. Maybe that is how I lose compassion and empathy is that I get stuck in this lower vibration. The key, obviously, is self-awareness and to train myself to shift into observer and learner mode. And ask this Lower Self what it wants. Attention? Is it merely playing out some program that is old and outdated and needs to be replaced? I remind myself that Superheroes have their dark sides too. Their human side.

And so I DID manage to get some internal work done and set out the intention of observing that Shadow Self of mine whenever it came up. I knew it would happen at some point while I was doing homeschooling with Johnnie. Yes I know he's supposed to be in summer school mode but while I'm supposed to be at home working, I need to occupy him with stuff. And I thought I did a pretty good job last week doing that. Today I did a little review of the stuff we did last week and then I did the same online stuff I was already using on Johnnie with one exception. I ramped up his level from Kindergarten to 1st Grade. He graded at that when I gave him a couple of assessments last week anyway and so I figured we'd just keep on going. He's already doing double digit addition and subtraction and he did read a couple of small books all by himself. Might as well keep him sharp, none of us knows when school is going to open again. I mean it is supposed to be next month but the way coronavirus has started to rage again, you never know. Candidly, it isn't the academics and learning opportunities that Johnnie will miss out on. It's the social skills he gets to learn by being with his peers that I am primarily concerned about. The academic stuff, he'll already get down with no problem. As I said, he's already ahead of his age level. But since I am not as good at socializing as Lisa is <one of my dark side things I need to work on>, I don't readily seek out parents with kids Johnnie's age, particularly around my own neighborhood. And so I am dependent on Lisa for all that stuff. In the meantime, I have all that stuff for work that I did NOT get to yesterday that I was hoping to do today. Most importantly though, I also read that the Spanish secret for lowering one's blood pressure is: a nap of about 20 minutes around lunchtime. And so I kept Johnnie busy with Bookflix stuff while I knocked off for those 20 minutes and I must say it does make you feel better doesn't it? Makes you ask yourself why you weren't doing this before?!!

Anyway this being Tuesday and with nothing on my calendar 4 PM came soon enough and with that the Johnnie urging to go out riding on our scooters. Well of course we have to ride... it's been more than a few days.  And I gave Johnnie his money's worth. We rode for at least a couple of miles. So much so that Johnnie was pretty tired by the time we got close to home. Tired enough where he asked to take a quick break and sat there on the curb. He did NOT fall once though and by the time we got home he was hungry. I told him we were going to do Italian sausage night since we hadn't done it in a couple of weeks. That plus the rest of mom's penne pasta in chicken broth made for a good dinner for him. And he ate it all up too.  As for me, i had a lot of leftovers. I made a nice shrimp and spinach yakisoba for lunch and I didn't finish it all. Who could finish a half a pound of shrimp? And the rest made for a decent dinner. I did manage to get the most important thing done for today knowing full well I had a lot of other stuff to do. The funny thing was that it no longer seemed all that urgent to me. Must be all that embracing of the shadow stuff I've been doing. I do realize that all anxiety comes from one's own head. Which would make it up to me whether I get anxious or not at all. For today I simply decided that whatever I got done was enough. And that I was pretty good at getting myself up to speed anyway. Case in point... I hadn't done the assigned and mandatory QHC staff training yet and it was due way back in March. The day we were all sent home. Clearly I had other pressing things then. But it has now been almost 4 months and I needed to knock it off once and for all. THAT i got done tonight at last. Even with Johnnie in the house looking for me every 15 minutes to share the latest Octonaut adventure. It's all I need to do for him you know. Just be present whenever he looks for me. THAT is enough. How do I know that?  "Ahhh this is the life", I heard Johnnie say as he drifted to sleep. I really didn't know exactly what he was referring to. It could have been any of a dozen things he did today. But I do know that with those dozen things, i was there with him. And so I smiled and answered mentally: Yes Little bug, it is. It most certainly is.