Learning Saturday

So today is one of my "Learning Saturdays" which means I have absolutely no plans and all I want to do is catch up on the many MANY things that I want to learn and do. More internal work for me today and judging from all the EGO traps I fell into just last night, I have much to learn. I posted a picture from my block in my neighborhood simply to symbolize the onward and upward energy I'm embracing. Today I want to tackle the question I had for myself: "Why are you so irritated with people? Not certain people although that happens too, but people in general?" Where is that anger coming from? I'm hoping to get an answer today. But first I let myself be drawn to whatever I'm drawn to on Youtube. And this morning that is a whole bunch of Brad Yates EFT tapping videos. I figured my Higher Self will lead me to whatever answers I need to get led to. I did at least 3 sessions before I even had breakfast:  Tapping on Clearing anything that isn't Love Tapping on getting $2,800,000 [which really was Tapping for $1,000,000 but I put my own amount in there LOL] Tapping on Financial Abundance. I paid attention to whatever was coming up when I did the tapping because I was pretty sure there are still some blockages I need to clear out. I have come to realize that all this energy work... they are not one-offs. They need to be done consistently and daily, just like taking a shower or brushing your teeth and flossing on a daily basis. The grit and grind of everyday life tends to put muck in my energy and THAT is what I need to work on as well. To be more consistent in my daily practice and get clearing done. And so I did this work for more than an hour and then made myself some breakfast, and then took a break to watch more Mindhunters. I ended up binge watching the thing last night until the wee hours in the morning and I still hadn't finished all the episodes. I pretty much stayed in for the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon actually, foregoing the turkey sandwich trip to Bristol Farms Playa del Rey in favor of finishing up all the leftovers I had from the week. And then an early afternoon nap as well. By the time I looked up, most of the day was gone! Funny how time goes by so fast when you're not paying attention. Especially when you're not paying attention.

By 3 PM I decided to get on out and move my body. All the inner work from this morning had uncovered some of the reasons why I was experiencing stiffness all last week, which was merely stress held in many different places. Earlier in the week I had centered on LACK as the primary cause of the all this stress. FEAR-->INSECURITY-->LACK and I didn't deal with it well. THAT is the lesson isn't it. This afternoon I found some Wm Hof breathing exercises to help release stress in my body and that is something once again that I need to incorporate into my daily cleaning, clearing practice. I liked what the guy in the video did, incorporate a couple of techniques into something that works without actually giving it a name or  label.  Anyway I did manage to get out and get my steps in, especially since by 3 PM I had only gotten to 1000 steps. I remember thinking it might be a challenge to get all the way to 10,000, let alone 11,000 by this evening. But we'll see. What i ended up doing was doing a full-on grocery shopping run. The kind I usually would do with Johnnie on a Saturday morning, except I walked this time. And I got a chance to clear my head in the process. While walking home from Whole Foods it did finally come to me: I was angry at people because I am expressing anger I feel for MYSELF. I'm disappointed in them because I'm disappointed in MYSELF. And what I need to do is accept and forgive myself. I need to ACCEPT that I'm not perfect and that despite my claim to be so thoughtful and kind... I'm not always thoughtful and kind either. PEOPLE are not always thoughtful and kind and they're not perfect. But instead of judging them, I need to accept what is and I need to FORGIVE. I need to FORGIVE myself and I need to FORGIVE them. I need to adopt more of a "so-what" attitude. And more importantly, I need to keep reminding myself of this because this isn't something new. It's something I already know but keep forgetting. I need to practice. And practice. And practice. Just like golf LOL. And with that I deemed my work done for the day. I finished my grocery store run and I ended up grilling carne asada too for my Saturday night. It was pretty good. And then had porato salad and baked beans too. Mmmm. I capped my evening with a basketball double double. Lakers and UCLA. The fact that it is the end of February and almost March (tomorrow) and both are still in the thick of things most definitely is something to celebrate! The Lakers lost a game they didn't bring energy to. But hey they're still 5 games up in first place, something that hasn't been in the case in at least 6 years! And the Bruins? they beat Arizona to take sole possession of first place in the PAC-12!! They are probably going to March Madness! An amazing story for a season I had deemed long lost way back in January! It was a pretty good Learning Saturday today, and a nice way to end the month of February.

Still With Lessons From the Ego

I was driving home and simply trying to focus on up-leveling my vibration. And then I got a pretty strong reminder. Someone tried to cut me off getting into my lane on the onramp to the 10 Freeway. And like the monk in the boat trying to meditate getting bumped by a boat, I got angry. For a minute I was angry. Until I remembered not to be. I reminded myself that it was a move that I myself had done many times too and it was up to me to react. or not. In this case, I felt slighted. I DECIDED to feel slighted instead of simply letting him in the lane and not even reacting. I wonder how many times that happens in a day? In this case, the answer would come almost immeditely. On the offramp the woman in front of me was going so slow, I got frustrated and zoomed past her... in anger. I gave her a snotty look of irritation too. Sigh. Way to go Arnel. Another pretty strong reminder. Again only for a minute before I remembered not to be angry. But that's TWICE on the same trip home. The reminder was that I was going to be constantly tested. And that I need to be constantly aware and learn how to deal with this on an ongoing basis. At first, I was disappointed in myself at how quickly I lost it. I KNEW BETTER. And then it occurred to me that feeling that way does not uplift what was already a vibration that been abruptly dragged lower. It's like a reminder that despite anything that happens, I can still control my OWN vibration, my own state. And that perhaps the reason those things happened to begin with was that I was already not in a good state anyway. I decided to simply let whatever I was feeling bubble up to the surface. Fortunately I as already home. More to come regarding dealing with this.

In the meantime, this Friday, which was the last Friday in February sort of just came and went. There are lots of IT things happening this weekend... G Drive access being retired, downtime tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers that all are uneventful. But if today was a predictor of things to come, we were already getting lots of calls about the G Drive... as I thought we would. I gave everyone plenty of time or so I thought and there were still some people that hadn't finished reviewing files. I mean what do I expect after this organization pretty much left more than a decade of files without any maintenance. Anyway the PLAY-OF-THE-DAY was having some nice fried shrimp over rice for lunch overlooking DTLA skyline from the FRB perch. I had lunch alone today, simply because the usual group was in meetings. On a Friday afternoon. I also sent Lisa a text asking how it went with her phone, still feeling a bit embarassed at myself at pretty much pushing her off at hand-off last night. I realize now that THAT was ME trying manufacturing drama, the very thing that used to irritate me about Lisa. There was no need for that. Who knows what she's thinking now. But whatever it was, it was best to send the text and leave it at that. And I prepared myself not to see Johnnie for the next 3 days, for the entire weekend. It's not my turn and that's that. Maybe it was all that which contributed to the negative energies on the drive home. I went to the store and got myself some ground turkey taco style. I figured it would be cheaper and much more convenient to cook this thing than wait a half hour to get a burrito and some street tacos down the street. And I still had all that leftover beef stew also. After dinner I took a long walk around the neighborhood. I was barely at 3000 steps when I got home anyway. I needed a long walk. And tried to clear my head about all the negative stuff that came up today, pretty much without any of the familiar external stimuli. It wasn't Lisa that caused it, it wasn't work, it wasn't anything...other than traffic. Maybe I was still focused on my EGO lesson from the other day. After all, all suffering comes from a perceived LACK of something. I remembered that the ego had 3 main priorities: IDENTIFICATION, SELF-PRESERVATION, and CONTROL. And so I had no doubt that everything negative this evening was all about the ego still trying to be in control. And that I would have to come up with a better action plan when it does. Otherwise, I would be a walking ball of negativity wouldn't I. Not good. Not good at all. I spent the rest of the evening binge watching on Netflix's Hunters. About a bunch of Nazi-hunting vigilantes in 1970s New York. What was it about that series that made me watch it until the wee hours in the morning? Couldn't be that I was trying to be distracted. Anyway I didn't go to sleep until it was almost 3 AM. Going to be a late morning tomorrow. Lucky I have absolutely nothing going on.

My Ego Was Awake Today

This being a Thursday and the last day I get to drop Johnnie off to school this week, I reveled that it was still pretty warm out. So much so that for the 3rd straight day I sent him off wearing shorts. And no jacket. For some reason this morning my awareness was on myself, and the fact that I wasn't really socializing with other parents when I drop Johnnie off at school. Why was I thinking that? I am aware that when I think such things, it's simply my ego cherry-picking for something wrong for me to worry about. That and maybe a reminder that there is a "program" running that makes me thumb my nose down at people in general. It's a program that says PEOPLE DON'T THINK and that makes me irritated at them as if I'm so perfect. Anyway it is a generalization, and a bad one at that. And it makes me keep people at arm's length. Not all the time. But I do notice I think negative thoughts about the other parents. Like I'm being judgemental about them. Why and how the hell am I doing THAT? That isn't good. And unfortunately, I didn't catch it early enough to do something about it. At least not before I went to work and went on to my next meeting, which was the CCALAC HIT Forum. TWICE in that meeting Candice and Roman Chapa made off-handed comments that I should stop being such a jerk. On the 2nd time I think I had the realization that probably they weren't kidding. And so I spoke less. I'm sure I said something to simply bring attention to myself. And that makes me cringe now when I think about it. Once again it's MY EGO out in full force. Fortunately I did feel like I provided some value at the meeting by at least getting things discussed that folks wanted to talk about. And I think I contributed not only by bringing up stuff but also by helping facilitate. I just have to figure out where this ME-ME-ME stuff is coming from? After the meeting I went to get a chicken sandwich at Chick-Fil-A mainly to get Johnnie his dinner for the evening, but also to get me some more food since I only had one slice of pizza at the HIT Meeting. That and I still stopped at 7-11 to pick up a couple of mini-tacos. And then there was still some food at the FRB from another meeting this morning. I should have brought home some of the rice.

Anyway I went home early again. I picked up Johnnie. The thing was that I did so much walking this morning going to the meeting and coming right back that I was ALREADY at 9000 steps by the time I picked him up from school. I got him his chicken dinner and then readied for the Lisa hand-off. I remembered that Lisa doesn't have a phone, but then again I had her replacement phone that I ordered for her from Google since her old one was covered under device protection. I called her office number, called her at home, sent her texts, sent her email. Finally the email was responded to. She told me she would be coming around 7:35. That was ok actually, but somehow I got irritated that she hadn't responded to the earlier attempts at communication. What was I expecting? The interaction with Lisa during the hand-off did not go well. That's because I was still irritated when she finally came by. We had to wait outside for a full 5 minutes! In restrospect I don't know why I needed to be irritated. Why I was so impatient. Later on when I thought more about it it came to me. Once again as typical of our past relationship, I would be thinking about how to help her and then I had some expectation that she would be as thoughtful and considerate. Just like I have to project that everyone should be as thoughtful and as considerate as I am, as if I'm always that way. This is an expectation, which of course, Lisa does not usually meet because she is usually thinking of herself. Tonight I brought her replacement phone and I was emotionally invested in getting it to her TONIGHT. As soon as possible. She asked me how much I owed her and I told her $79 but that the full cost of the phone was put on her credit card as a hold until she returned the phone. She made some comment/question about how I didn't trust her? I snapped back that it wasn't about trust. This was her phone. I don't want any of it on my credit card because I didn't even want to think about it.  It wasn't about getting paid back. I wanted to be clear of any energy related to it.  Something of course she could not possibly realize. And so the second I loaded Johnnie in the car, I closed the car door and I walked off. No goodbye no nothing. I guess I was not in a good state to begin with. Gee ya think? But I can forgive myself for all of that now. And I can ask for forgiveness too. Silently anyway. I spent the rest of the evening watching Picard S01E06. And watching post game stuff from another Lakers win and a very surprising UCLA win against Arizona State to get a tie for first in the Pac-12 standings. Wow. But all nothing but distractions really. I will have to deal with my ego being out-of-control I know that. I'm looking forward to that...

Officially Forgiving Myself

In order to let the past go, you must forgive yourself officially.
Feel the embarrassment or shame or guilt one final time. Really feel it throughout your body. Next, tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes and you know you that that outcome was not your intention. It was an accident. Finally, make the decision to forgive yourself and do it. It helps to even say it out loud.
From now on, it's OK. You are forgiven.
Every time the thought comes back, simply remind yourself that you have already been forgiven, so there's no reason to feel bad anymore. Then push the thought away.

Last Wednesday Workday in February

I can't believe it's almost the end of February already. That's already this weekend. Still, it's the middle of the week and it's just another day that I send Johnnie off to school in the morning. Look at the pic of him lining up with his classmates. Could it be that these would be the same kids he will call friends 20, 30 years from now? Oliver. Marshall. Emma. Sage. Look at the pic where he's still the shortest kid there. It's not stopping him or slowing him down any that's for sure. AND he's still one of the most behaved kids in the class I think. Today it was Dylan Ji trying to play tag with him and goading him into running down the hall. One look from dad (ME) and he's back in line. THAT's what I'm talking about :) Look at his smile. Just a happy child playing. That's the way I'd like to keep him. In the meantime I get to go to MY office and be with MY "classmates" today. We have the monthly Communications meeting right after lunch of course. I had presentation uploaded yesterday so I was ready to go. All in all, same old same old. We looked at visit numbers. We looked at everyone's updates. I gave my lecture on cybersecurity, especially since a few people clicked this month. We're still at less than 4% but when you've hit 0% almost 3 months in a row, the only direction to go is down. Can't beat zero and to do it 4 months was too much to ask. It gave me an excuse to make the group watch one of my videos. Anyway it was a nonchalantly uneventful meeting... until the very end when Barbara got into one of her "lecture" modes. The Health Center Managers were trying to skew optimism when they didn't meet their numbers. But somehow Barbara did not appreciate the positivity and encouraged all to simply do black and white we-met-the-goal, we-didn't-meet-the-goal. That's all well and good except that it does NOTHING in terms of motivating and inspiring everyone to do better. No one likes to get nagged. I liken it to that Yale parenting class about Johnnie. He does much better when I give him effusive praise. I thought the Health Center Managers are generally doing the best that they can. I think the providers are whining a little too much but given we have so few of them, we have to kiss their asses some. Still, it's better to lean positive than get snapped at for trying hard and making yourself feel better for doing so. All you can ask is people do the best that they can. Besides, I think we get too obsessed with these fucking visit numbers anyway. Still, getting past this meeting every month is a benchmark because it's the last meeting as a group for the month. And now we get to gear up for the next month. Still I finished the meeting and then went upstairs to the 5th floor to get 1000 steps out of the way. I wanted to get to 6000 steps by the time I got home. As it was I went home early simply so I could change. After all, it's Panda Express night. And I am SOOO glad that it is no longer dark when we get there. Which is the sign the winter is about to give way to spring and the time when its lighter later. And anyway today everyone is walking around with ash on their forehead. That would be because it's ASH Wednesday and the official start of LENT, at least for the Catholics. I'm not going there with any religious notions. All I care about is that Johnnie knows about the Universe and how it works. Which means I need to learn about it and how it works so I can explain.  But for today , it is more than sufficient to simply pick him up from school, have walk out with me holding his hand. And be the happy child that he is. He put away all of us teriyaki chicken at Panda Express too and since I put Frozen 2 songs on my music player, he didn't fall asleep in the back seat on the drive home. I think I found the formula for keeping him awake. And then when we got home, he asked to watch Frozen 2... again. That's ok. He did listen to all those songs from the movie for a good 45 minutes. Besides we got his reading all done, we got some math lessons in and then we worked on some of his writing skills too. He actually got some reading homework from school but they were so simple, Johnnie breezed through them effortlessly. I mean the kid is writing the word "dinosaur" for crying out loud. Anyway I wasn't as tired tonight as yesterday, probably because I got to catch up on sleep. That and the inner work on what was tensing me up physically, as well as those other physical things that have cropped up I think is working. And so I was not as fatigued. Still I went to bed early with Johnnie. And I was asleep by 10 PM. It's all good.

Quietly Routine

I didn't fully catch up yesterday. But I knew what I had to do in order to do that. It's a tad harder when I have Johnnie in the house but I wouldn't have it any other way. For my inner work, I needed to be consistently following my daily routine, which includes meditation, which includes affirmation, which includes cleaning and clearing. And I have not done that the past few days. In fact, I have not addressed any of the physical stuff that have come up until yesterday. And now I realize I have to be a good patient, get my internal treatment and let myself heal. That I wanted to do today. And then of course at work it was real simple. Just get my presentation for the Communications Meeting tomorrow done. There's lots of other stuff of course but that one is the must-do for today. I started my day with THE must-do routine however which was to get Johnnie breakfast and get him ready for school... and then walking him to school. For the first time in a while he got to wear shorts today, which meant that it was going to be a warm day out. I LOVE that. Spring is a mere few weeks away near the middle of March and this week February is already ending. And so I dropped Johnnie off at his classroom, gave him a high five and off I went to work. I managed to do some affirmations, which really was my own video with theta waves in the background. It actually got me to focus as well and I managed to finish my Communications presentation in the morning! What to do the rest of the day! LOL. Actually that last comment was rhetorical. I was actually able to organize myself this morning [which really I should have done yesterday] and got myself updated on the things I needed to do, work-related that is. There is still the smattering of LOA and Manifestation and Inner Work stuff that comes across my attention whenever I open YouTube and I accept that as merely the Universe ensuring that certain things are in my awareness still. And then there is the whole "tired" thing. I felt so tired this afternoon that I wanted to take a nap. If I closed my eyes I would have easily done it in fact. Not an old-man nap mind you [or maybe it is, who knows..], but I am still feeling tired from something. But of course I did NOT take a nap this afternoon hoping to get done and get to leave early to pick up my Little Bug at school. It is Tuesday night after all. We definitely have a routine for a Tuesday. As it were, I did leave work earlier than usual, got home and put some penne pasta on the stove. That's because it's pseudo-chicken-noodle-soup-night for Johnnie. I picked him up around 5:15. They were all outside today since it was a nice, warm day. And he was busy doodling something for me as usual. But he looked up just as soon as he heard the gate and got him when he saw me. I must have been 75 yards away still, but he perked up and started to run towards me. That never gets old. It will never get old. We went home, I gave him almost TWO bows of penne pasta in chicken broth. And he ate all that up while I was outside barbecuing Italian sausage. And then when I got done with that, he ate one entire sausage all by himself. And that's after I noticed he had eaten most of the stuff I made him for lunch! That's good right? And of course, this being a Tuesday and all, I made chocolate chip cookies. And he wolfed down 2 of them the minute they cooled off. All that and it was only 7 PM! Tonight Johnnie decided it would be retro night and he wanted to watch Tumble Leaf. Sometimes he gets into these retro modes where he remembers fondly watching stuff. Last night it was Daniel Tiger. Tonight it's Tumble Leaf. I just indulged him since he had done so well. And really all we wanted to do was hang out together anyway. Look at the pic of he and I. That smile is worth everything in the world. Tonight might have ended up being a quiet routine night to cap a quiet routine day. But since it was a nice day considering, I grateful offered up my thanks to the Universe that it was. "I love you Universe" Johnnie said softly as he was about to fall asleep. "I love you too :)"

Catching Up

PHYSICAL STUFF How did I get behind on a bunch of stuff? I woke up this morning and I am still feeling some anxiety. I KNOW I didn't do enough to clear that up from early last week when I was stressing about my meeting with Eloisa. Even after the meeting I was still feeling the stress. So that's a to-do. *** Clear up last week's stress *** And then there are other physical things that came up as well, all related to some FEAR I have of DYING. *** Clear of Fear of Dying stuff *** and I'm sure THAT related to the stress too and the focus of my thoughts on physical stuff that more than likely aren't even real. Or at least they are by themselves a product of my focus on dis-ease. Example: "My blood pressure is too high." "I'm seeing spots in my right eye... I must be having a stroke" "I'm not well" "My neck is still tight" "My back is tight" "I'm starting to itch and scratch all over...am I allergic to something?" The picture I posted is pretty much an accurate representation of what has been going through my head pretty much for the last week. And I have not done much about it. Haven't even tried to quiet it down. Hence I'm sure it FEELS like it's getting worse. Fortunately I am AWARE that all of that is ALL in my head. And I do need to quiet these thoughts down. Just one of the things I need to catch up on today.

THE KOBE MEMORIAL And then of course today is the Kobe Memorial at Staples Center. I tried to leave early for work knowing full well it's going to be a madhouse traffic-wise near the Staples Center and that traffic this morning might be heavier than usual. As it turned out I didn't leave all that much earlier. And as it turned out traffic wasn't so bad. AND as it turned out I didn't exactly catch up at work this morning because I ended up watching the memorial on YouTube. NBA royalty was there of course. And even Michael Jordan spoke. And in my opinion he had the most poignant speech of all. Vanessa had the strongest speech only because of the sheer strength it must have taken to get up there in front of these thousands of people. I don't know if I could have done it myself. By lunchtime the memorial was over. And although it was necessary, I feel like the sad that had started to dissipate was back all over again. Seeing MJ and D-Fish and Shack cry... well it makes you cry too. And I could definitely sense my eyes being swollen from crying myself as I made my way to lunch upstairs.

JOHNNIE PICK-UP In the end I did catch up. But just with my journal. I hadn't written since Friday. I had all of this past weekend to process. I went home and realized I was barely at 3600 steps when I left work. And so in the hour that I had before picking up Johnnie, I went to the grocery store, got ingredients for dinner, made beef stew for dinner AND got to 8000 steps before I had to pick up Johnnie at 6:30PM because Lisa had an early game tonight.  It was just another MOnday night pick-up. And Johnnie ended up watching Daniel Tiger for an hour. Funny. He asked to watch it. He hadn't watched that for maybe a couple of years, not since I had left the Maplewood house. It was good to have him back for my turn. Good to go to bed early again. Good to give him his shower routine. Good to post pics of us together. And I recalled from the Kobe Memorial something Jimmy Kimmel said. The day is about GRATITUDE. Be grateful. And LOVE THE HELL OUT OF THE ONES YOU LOVE. And then one from Tom Brady of all people. He wrote: "The world we live in is teaching everyone to fear, to worry, to shame, or to give up and that is not what Kobe stood for. If there is anything I learned from this tragic event is this: SEIZE THE DAY. That is what Kobe did. And that is what he wants for us too." Well put Tom... well put. I will love the ones I love the most with all my heart. And I WILL seize the day.

Golf and Hanging out at DTLA

There's something about that damn Penmar Golf Course. We can't figure out why we don't play well on that course. I have hit more pars in all the other courses, including Roosevelt than Penmar for sure! After today I still don't understand. We got paired up with 2 other guys today, one a pretty good scratch golfer. I hit my tee shots well today, that much I think I can say. And the one time I didn't on the long Hole 6 I followed it up with 2 booming strikes off the fairway with my 3 Hybrid good to be near the pin after 3 shots. But for sure my putting game was nonexistent today. As in I can only remember one time where I didn't 3-putt the hole and that one time I had to sink a long one on Hole 7 to get to 2 putts and a bogey. The good thing was that neither Greg nor Scott was playing well either. Scott kept hitting tee shots in the trees. Greg's fairway chips left him totally as well. It was like we had channelled our worst golfer selves! About the only consolation today was that it had turned into a nice, warm day right from the get-go. But then they had started the aeration process on the greens too which should have slowed them down some but it didn't. In fact, the greens were unusually fast we all thought. I wish I could attribute my atrocious putting to that. But I can't. I just sucked today is all. And other than the 5 on 7 and another 5 on the last hole where I hit a bomb from the fairway 200+ yards to the fringe of the green, all the other holes were 6s and 7s. I could not string 2 good shots together. That's a loser combination when combined with bad putting. The other good thing was that we got started earlier than our tee time schedule and so we got done by 10:45! I had plenty of time to get home get some food to cook from Trader JOe's and actually cook myself some fettuccini bolognese. Lisa had asked me to come by at noon. But I was 99.9% sure they hadn't eaten lunch yet, didn't make any plans for lunch and was taking her time to get ready. I was right on all counts. But by the time I drove to Lisa's I had already eaten a bowl of my fettuccini and packed some for Johnnie for later. She and Courtney can do whatever they wanted. Johnnie and i would be just fine.

As it was we all met up at Sharon's parking garage around 1:30. Even Courtney got there by that time. And then they walked across the street to the concert hall and Johnnie and i went up to Sharon's so Johnnie could play with Varsha. I'm ok with that for my Sunday afternoon. The Lakers and Celtics were playing a matinee at noon but I was just fine checking on the scores on my iPhone. [P.S. the Lakers ended up winning a close, exciting game with LeBron hitting the winning shot!] I had given my Pixel for Lisa to use because she had put hers in the wash and now it needed to dry out. Ay Lisa. Just some more manufactured drama. Anyway I didn't care about any of that. I didn't even care that she made me drive downtown. As long as I could be with Johnnie I was just fine. And so for the next couple of hours I caught up with Sharon and talked about Balwan. He was in India but had just had a terrible bout with stress that it affected him physically. I want to help him too. He was feeling immense financial pressure. I made a mental note that this was no accident that this is coming into my awareness, both yesterday with my sister and my mom's mortgate and today with Balwan's financial pressures. In the meantime, I was grateful that I was under no such pressure and I'm going to keep it that way. And I am GRATEFUL that I have much more money than I need.  Sharon made chicken nuggets and fish sticks for Johnnie and like yesterday he was his finicky food self. But that's ok. So Johnnie and Varsha played for a couple of hours. And then before we knew it, Lisa and Courtney were already back from the concert. I'm glad Lisa got to go. It's something new and different and appeals to her sense of variety. I was glad to have caught up with Sharon. And in the end, Courtney went off to meet up with an elementary school friend, and Lisa and Johnnie and i went home. To Lisa's house anyway. There, Lisa asked me to stay and eat some fish she made if I wanted. I wanted to be polite and so I did stick around for dinner. Johnnie made a comment that having this feast was his dream come true and he thanked me for making it come true! Hmmm. So the 3 of us had a "family" dinner and then I took out her trash bins as if I still lived there. And then off i went on home. I watched the Season premiere of Walking Dead. Boy this weekend turned out to be a long, eventful one didn't it?

Maia's Birthday

I picked up Johnnie at 7:45 AM right on time at Lisa's house. She's working today and we're headed down to San Diego for Maia's birthday shindig later on. Lisa had made cupcakes for at least 13 people and I thought it was gracious of her to do that. She normally doesn't do well when she's not a part of something, like this birthday. But I'm going to chalk it up that this is her contribution. Her and Johnnie both. Grace had moved the restaurant time to 4 PM and so we had all morning to still do routine Saturday stuff. We still had to get breakfast of course. And of course we had to go to Elysee. Sausage and scrambled eggs and OJ as per usual. And then we had to make our Target pitstop, even more important today because we had to pick up Maia's Target gift card for her present. And of course Johnnie's lunch stuff for next week. And then finally when we got home, I asked Johnnie to make Maia's Happy Birthday card. He wrote it out and folded it up himself. We hung out until lunch since I figured we had plenty of time to get down there and I didn't want to get there too early. We stopped for lunch at Panda Express even. And maybe THAT wasn't such a good idea. I figured that there was at least a 50-50 chance that Johnnie would knock off to sleep on the ride there and I wanted him to have his lunch at least. The thing was that I ate too and so I felt like I wanted to take a nap. True enough we weren't even past the South Bay yet and I could feel myself wanting to nod off. Uh-oh... how am I going to make it another hour-and-a-half without falling asleep? It wasn't easy but I did it. I kept slapping myself in the head, in the temples, doing everything I could all the way through Long Beach, the OC, and into San Diego County, distracting myself just enough so that I could stay awake. And THAT was the goal of this drive...simply to stay awake. When we got off the exit on Palomar Airport Road, I pulled in to McDonald's, made a pit stop in the bathroom and just sat there and closed my eyes for 5 minutes. We did manage to make it to Grace's house by 3 PM and as it turned out they were already getting ready to leave! That's  because the restaurant was a full 45 minutes away still in National City. W-h-a-t?! More driving...ugghh! I reminded myself that this is Maia's birthday and that it was simply another way for me to connect since it was either West Covina and/or San Diego and I did want Johnnie to see his cousins.

As it turned out the place Grace selected was a "Kamayan" place which means the food gets dumped onto banana leaves on your table and you just pick at all the food there. There were no utensils, no plates, no forks, just a bowl where you could dip your hands when they got messy. As for the food itself, it was a Filipino food smorgasbord. There was crispy pata, bistek, fried shrimp, fried fish (bangus), and fried lumpia. And of course lots and lots of rice. Mmmm! There was only one problem. There wasn't anything that Johnnie was used to eating. Thank goodness I had filled him up at Panda Express for lunch. I put more Frozen 2 songs on my iPhone in front of him to keep him occupied and he was just fine. I can only imagine he's like this when he's with his mom at her family functions too. As for Maia, I had memories of going to her first birthday party all those years ago in La Jolla when they lived there. Can't believe she turned 18 today. She has grown into a beautiful young lady albeit she's more bohemian than young lady. That's ok. I drove with mom to the restaurant from Grace's house. She kept asking me the same questions 4 or 5 times. I think she's starting to lose it. But hey she's in her 80s after all. Anyway the great thing was that we got together as a family and that IS important. And I thought it was important that Johnnie knows he also has my side of the family too, like it or not. Joe even brought his partner Michael there, which would be the first time I met him. All in all it was pretty good, up until the time Grace asked me to pitch in for Mom's mortgage. I told her this was not sustainable but that I was going to contribute this time. I tried to talk to my mom about it afterwards but she didn't seem to want to even think about it. For me the only solution was to sell the house and downsize to get rid of the loan. The alternative was foreclosure and then they would have to go find somewhere else to live anyway. Heck, she could live with Grace for all I care. Maia is moving out anyway in a few more months. As for Mike, hey he can fend for himself. Again that sounds cold, but compassion-less and I'm trying to find a middle ground for them that does not involve me, since my solution is cut and dried. I hope they find some way to work it out. If Grace empowers them to do this, then that's on her. Although in my heart, I wish I could just buy her out of her loan and let them live there forever. My mom is not 100% full capacity already mentally. I think it's Mike that has to figure something out for himself. I told Grace I'd do what I can for now but that this has to have a limit. It can't go on. Mom wanted to drive back to West Covina tonight with me. And so we drove back to Grace's house to pick up my mom's stuff. We stopped at McDonald's so Johnnie could have his chicken mcnuggets dinner. And then we drove to West Covina to drop my mom off. I tried to shake off the feeling that this was all so inconvenient for me. But family often is isn't it? How can I think of being of service to humanity if I can't even give my mom a ride without feeling inconvenienced? Got stuff to work on. I know I would love to just be involved to a point and not really throw myself into family matters. And maybe that's something I need to work through. I hadn't really been part of my own family for many many years. Certainly not after I got together with Lisa 14 years ago. And now I'm being asked to get involved. And help finance what amounts to a financial mistake my dad did before he passed. I don't know. We'll see how I can help clean that up if I can. For now, the next stop is Lisa's house so I could drop Johnnie off. He was dead asleep and Lisa was still in her office when I pulled up to her house at 9:40 PM. Just another Saturday for her. She finally got home, I finally put Johnnie in his bed and then we made arrangements for tomorrow. She wants me to watch Johnnie but now she has to go to a classical music concert with Courtney at Disney Concert Hall. Hey I didn't care.. I was glad just to get to watch Johnnie again. She told me she'd call me after golf tomorrow for more details and that was good enough for me. In the meantime, I was barely at 5000 miles when I pulled up to my apartment. I could have gotten to 11,000 for the day. But I pulled up at 10,750. I was tired. It was 11:30 PM. It had been a pretty long Saturday...

Wish It Were Tank Friday

I felt good waking up and moving around a clean apartment waking up this morning. And actually making it to work on time. Although that last point was rather moot. The C's weren't in today after their long meeting from a couple of days ago. Except for my CEO Barbara that is and I would find out later on that she was planning on not only watching the :Parasite: screening I had set up for later on after work. Kind of a "movie night" such as it were like we used to have at USC Stevens back in the day. I spent last night downloading the movie again, a cleaner version with better subtitles. Wow am I really taking this thing that seriously? It started with just a little suggestion that I could do it since Faith Lee hadn't seen it yet and I was talking it up. Why not? I already had the mkv version of the movie in hand. But it's a different thing altogether when your CEO is showing up and so is her husband! Anyway that's for after work. Today I still had to work on all kinds of stuff although I was hoping for a nice, easy TANK DAY. I still had to compile notes from my meeting with my boss 2 days ago and actually go about doing those TO-DOs. Sharepoint sites to look for to show what is possible, a hardware-based solution for the technology-challenged Board of Directors. Exciting things for a tech-geek like myself to discover and disseminate. And i remind myself that this is right up my wheelhouse too. But let's not kid ourselves either. Here it is, after lunch at 2 PM and here I am watching the latest episode of Star Trek Picard S01E05. This series is more cerebral and emotional and less of the action series ST Next Gen was. I mean there's still action to be sure but as Picard has gotten older and less active, so has the show it feels. I still liked the episode though even if it's like an ongoing episode that carries on for 5 or 6 just so we can bring back old characters. Today it was 7-of-9 from DS9. Anyway 5 PM came soon enough. By then I had put up a cover to the emergency lights in the Training Room just to enhance the viewing experience. Faith and Sr Ruth had headed out to pick up popcorn and pizza. And by 5:15 it was showtime. I posted a pic of the room. There was some concern in my mind how this was going to be received. Not the idea of Movie Night, but the movie itself. After all, it was in Korean with subtitles. Some people don't like that. In the end, the experience itself turned out just fine with no technical difficulties. ANd that movie was pretty well received. After all, this is the Oscar winner for Best Picture and also the Cannes Film Festival winner for Palm D'or, also for best picture. Didn't seem to impress Alan DeJong though. ALthough to be fair, this IS Alan DeJong after all. Still at the end of the day, i was glad to have provided the movie, glad that Faith and Sr Ruth provided the food, and glad that a few people came to enjoy the showing. It was 7:30PM by the time I got home and of course I had to scramble to get my steps in tonight. I was barely at 5000 by that time although I had no doubt I would get to 11,100 for the day. It wasn't a TOTAL TANK DAY at work buy it wasn't like I overworked myself either LOL. I was glad it was Friday and that the work week was done, short though it may have been. I was glad it was payday Friday and my bank account is well past $15K even after I take out next month's rent which isn't even due until next weekend. I'm glad I was able to provide some entertainment for my team since I so believe in the power of getting people together and doing stuff together. Especially after listening to a podcast where DeMarcus Cousins said he had never been part of a team like this current Lakers squad where everyone was tight and that the camaraderie was through the roof. As in if one person goes to do something, everyone else comes along too. Now that's a close team. I don't think QueensCare has that in its DNA, but if some people at the top could come together, it's always a good thing. Finally, despite getting a late start I did finish my 11,000 steps tonight and I'm also looking forward to hanging out with my Little Bug all day tomorrow.

Just Another Thursday

I would like to think that today was just another Thursday. And it was really. Except that right in the middle of my morning meditation as I woke up, I started to cough violently and I noticed that my shoulders were extremely tight, as was my upper back. These were physical manifestations of... what I'm not quite sure. I was stressed since the end of last weekend and definitely through the beginning of this week until yesterday. But I'm not sure why I'm still feeling the residue of stress right now. That would be the biggest reason why I'm experiencing all kinds of stiffness in my upper body. But I'm also feeling some hot flashes and I could feel the anxiety still present. Why I don't know. I do know it is 100% mental and I need to do something internal about it. It also has something to do with an old fear from more than 25 years ago. The other day I had a dream... or maybe the playing of a memory from childhood. This older kid mugged me and stole a watch I just got. It happened in the Philippines. I'm trying to dredge up the core belief that may have been implanted because of that incident. Is it that the world isn't safe? That people can't be trusted? Could this be why I get irritated at people in general? That they keep behaving below MY expectations? I was just a kid then. My parents weren't even around when it happened. But it happened. And it's ok to have an awareness of your surroundings. But it's also ok not to generalize that all people are bad. And that they will disappoint you. Because if that is what I focus on, then they WILL disappoint. I have to remind myself that THAT is not the reality I'm embracing here. And that I can choose. And while there is THAT event, I also remember losing my tuition money that my dad gave me and someone finding it and turning it in. People are good too. You have to believe. As I drop Johnnie off and watch him get in line I wonder how all these kids will turn out. For every Johnnie that does as he is asked and puts his stuff away on his own, there is a Julian who's mom implored him to do the same thing at least 10 times. The key is not to judge. And the key is to learn. Obviously Lisa and I are doing something right. And that's a good thing. And so I high-fived Johnnie and went on to work. DEATH OF THE THINKPAD  I actually had a pretty good project I was invested in today. I wanted to turn my Chromebook at work into an Ubuntu desktop like I had at home. HAD being the operative word here. I wrecked the screen of that Thinkpad I had been using somehow. I pulled it out to work on it while I was watching videos with Johnnie and then the screen didn't work anymore. I must have done something vad to it inadvertently. In any case, I knew that the screen going bad is something you can not recover on a laptop. And so like a badly wounded and suffering animal I just had to put it down. This morning I took out the hard drive and declared it dead. Sigh. That Thinkpad served me well for the past year. But now I don't have a primary to work with at home. I do not want to work on the DELL. I guess I have to find another device. But first things first, I need to get all the files that were there. Hence, turning the Chromebook into Ubuntu. I got it done too by the end of the day, but not quite the same Ubuntu that I'm used to. I think I will have to try again. Anyway I picked up Johnnie at school, gave him popcorn chicken for dinner from KFC and by 7 PM Lisa was over to pick him up. I wasn't so concerned with lollygagging and making plans because I knew Lisa was working on Saturday and I would be seeing Johnnie then. In fact, we are headed to San Diego that day to see my family. And so hand-off done, including a cute pic of Johnnie "driving", I finished my steps and tried to decompress by starting to clean up around the house. Living room and dining room all done. I'm ready to go to bed :) I might have titled it just another Thursday... but was it really? I think not.

My Valentine's present

Who said i didn't get a Valentine this year? I got the best present of all courtesy of my son. He had been working on something all evening and when it was time for bed he presented to me. It's your Valentine's present Dad. My heart filled with joy. THIS is what it's all about. Enough said.

Meeting With My Boss

So everything at work this week was merely activities that I was supposed to discuss with my boss Eloisa for my one-on-one. I was so involved in the catching-up-with-my-IS-budget stuff that I cancelled the Tech Council Meeting today. I had nothing to discuss and did NOT feel like manufacturing stuff out of my ass. Of course I wasn't expecting my CEO Barbara to walk in from vacation this morning either. I had cited her being gone as one of the drivers for cancelling. Oops! Oh  well.. as of this morning I was prepared for my one-on-one and I even visualized this morning on how it would end up pretty much being a non-event. But first things first... after knocking off early last night, it was back to normal for Johnnie waking up this morning and doing his thing and getting ready for school. I got dressed for work early too so I could leave right after I dropped him off. One of the moms commented that he always has a twinkle in his eyes. That's my Little Bug. THOSE are the things that make my day after all. Now on to work... I spent the morning filling out my database of invoices. I'm actually mostly done except for Amazon purchases. It took about 3 days, which is something I should have done 2 weeks ago when I found out i had to put this together. Argghh. Procrastination. Not my friend. All for less than 150 line items too. Anyway it wasn't even the first thing Eloisa asked me in our meeting. She wanted to know my thoughts about the round of lay-offs. I was honest. I thought it was people that were hired less than a year ago that probably shouldn't have been hired. We didn't look at positions the way my IS Manager position was scrutinized and then cut. To me it was just a continuation of that activity from when Justin's position was cut. I also shared that it brought back memories from the lay-off experience at USC Stevens. The IS Budget part wasn't all that earth-shaking and she did mention that if I had any thoughts about being next on the lay-off line that I shouldn't have those thoughts. But then again we didn't know a couple of months back all these people would be gone today now would we? And so I went on and explained about the discrepancies in the budget and how they were explainable and she told me that I should get OCHIN EPIC out of the IS Budget at the next Management meeting. Then I wouldn't look so bad. What I didn't say out loud was the prevailing thought I had that all these years the budget was kind of loosey-goosey in the sense that it was whatever Barbara approved really. But now things are different and that's ok. Just that we should also have processes to make sure I.S. doesn't end up looking bad for purchasing $35K of stuff for a new facility that was not budgeted for in the first place. To me it's not an I.S. Budget issue, it's an accounting issue. But never mind all that. In the end, it was like previous meetings. I walked away with some to-do's but nothing earth-shaking. I felt good about being here still and that is what counts right? Gotta feel good where you are. And so with that it was like the aftermath of a Tech Council Meeting. A feeling of RELIEF and a breathe-out. I would be lying if all the budget stuff I was doing prior to this meeting did not cause stress. It might actually have caused greater stress than I realized or acknowledged. This morning I felt tight around my mid-back and shoulders not unlike something I experienced before but that was it. I felt like this when I was stressed. Which meant I now have to focus on de-stressing activities. Internal work. Exercise perhaps. But not this afternoon. Tonight is Panda Express night after all and I was looking forward to picking up Johnnie and heading to Westwood. He ate so much chicken he had to poop right there at the restaurant. And then I figured out how to keep him awake on the drive home. We sang Frozen 2 songs! The rest of the evening was pretty routine, especially now that Johnnie was back to his energetic self... He was actually engrossed in making a specific drawing... and for me. I will post the pic in another post because it ended up being so touching to me. But normal mid-week evening and a quiet WEdnesday night is all good.

Back to Routine

The day after a 3-day weekend is always difficult but in the end it's all about getting back to routine, especially if it's a weekend where I didn't see much of Johnnie. Like this past weekend. I was all too happy to have him back in the house last night. And all too happy to be waking up to him asking if it's a vacation day today the second he woke up. He didn't seem particularly excited to go back to school this morning but then again I think he does enjoy watching Land Before Time while eating his morning cereal. And in the end he's already used to walking to school with me in the morning anyway. And we even managed to leave EARLY! So much so I walked us much slower just so we didn't get to the classroom too early. It was a nice day and I must say I'm glad to be starting the week. Although coming in to work I did notice that I didn't really do much of anything in terms of preparing for my one-on-one with Eloisa this week. And just one chat on TEAMS reminded me of what I needed to do this morning, and really the rest of the day. It was in my notes for the upcoming one-on-one which is tomorrow.

* As of 1/31/2020, IS budget is $119k over.  Reasons and action plan please *

I fought off the reaction to panic. After all, that amount was much larger than I thought my budget was over by. But when I sat down and looked, I found out that I actually DID have an explanation. OCHIN EPIC alone was already $52K over. That's already half. And then they counted expenses for Loma which was another $35K. That's already $87K. And then came the painful task of logging AT&T invoices. And realizing which all the stuff I had messed up on we actually paid $11K this year for last year's monthly expenses. And had to double up on a couple of months because of the whole Loma miscommunication about when it was supposed to be opening. That's about $20K right there too. Those 3 events alone was already $107K and that's being conservative. I think if he amortized a couple of the big contracts from the past couple of months, that would almost totally explain everything. As long as this all is explainable I think I'm ok. I remind myself that last night's conversation with Lisa on the phone about how our marriage ended and this stuff which brings up my insecurity issues with my job are just prime stuff that my Higher Self is directing me to work on now in order to continue with my healing process and get on with being my BEST SELF. And also to help me get over my FEARS and help me get over my GUILT.

And so with that I spent the day logging in expense and invoice entries in my little spreadsheet. And I was actually amazed at how much information I was able to amass. I should have been doing this all along but sort of lost the motivation to do so even when Justin left. But now I'm sort of back to doing it which is merely a part of my competent IT Director self. And I remind myself that I am real good at what I do. That negates whatever fear comes up with working with Eloisa. I reminded myself this came up last year while Johnnie and I were in San Diego about Sharepoint. And when we met it was actually much better than I had thought and I wasn't in deep shit at all. AND I reminded myself that at the end of the day, what matters most is picking up Johnnie at school, as simple as that sounds. And so I did and this being Tuesday night, of course we would go home and I would make him penne pasta noodle soup. And I would barbecue some Italian sausage. Johnnie seemed a little less energetic tonight though. He complained about getting boinked in the head running into some pole and he did have a little bump, but not that bad at all. I was a little worried that he really did get his head hurt today at school. Simply because he was just laying around the couch not really being his jump-around-be-bop self. It was as if he was sick but then again he didn't have a temperature or anything. I just told him he'd be going to bed early tonight and he didn't fight when I told him he'd be taking a shower right around 8 PM. In fact, the way he was yawning right in the shower, it became clear to me that he was simply tired. Kind of like when he came back from Paris. It made sense now. He was simply run ragged by mommy of course this entire weekend. He didn't even want a bedtime story or a video or anything. After the shower he just crawled into bed with his Fuzzy and he went out like a light. And fast. It was 8:30 PM. Awww... my Little Bug is just tired. I took the opportunity to work on my Invoices database since I had brought some home to work on. I felt I was ready for tomorrow. And then I went to bed. It was 11:30PM. Much earlier than when I'd put a presentation together. And that was good. Tuesday=Monday in the books.

President's Day Off

As outlined in the previous post, I had a nice start to my day. Not just with the internal work and meditation stuff but also because I got up, went to the apartment gym and eked out a 2+ mile run. OK it wasn't 3 miles. But it wasn't nothing either. In fact I felt pretty good after getting it done. It almost OKs me chilling out for the rest of the day on the couch LOL. I put on my loose sweats and my old T-shirt for the run with the intention of getting a shower in immediately after said run. The clothes never came off the rest of the day. I even posted a pic I took at the very end of the day when it was already 5 PM and I had come from Ralphs to pick up some chicken for dinner. Still with the same clothes. Hey I'm allowed. It's my day off. What did I do? Well right after the run I made myself breakfast. Cheese omelette and Earl Grey. And then I went right back to the videos. And I found one by Dr Alex Lloyd and the Healing codes. Basically, another energy healing modality but similar to the M-Power by Colette Streicher in that in calls on the Superconscious to find stuff you might not even know exists, or stuff beyond your recollection. And asks those to get healed.  One thing I am starting to believe is that our energetic "selves" does exist and is bigger than the physical world that we have gotten more used to. I do believe that we have forgotten our connection to that energy world and that it is just as important as the physical world, perhaps even more so. Which is probably why I'm so drawn to it now... kind of like I'm one of those that are awakening up to this new paradigm. What that means I have yet to find out. But it's a good uncertainty. Anyway I didn't leave the house the rest of the day. I ate lunch in since I still had plenty of food from the last couple of days. Finally at 4 PM I decided to move around and get some steps in. I walked to B of A to get some cash for the week. Then walked to Ralphs to get some chicken for tonight's dinner. I decided to try to make lemon chicken and angel hair pasta. I will say that the chicken breasts I bought were so thick, not even 10 minutes on one side of the frying pan was enough. But in the end, I had myself some pretty good chicken and pasta. And by then I was already at 7500 steps barely at 5 PM. All I had to do was cruise through the rest of the 11,000 steps before I even picked up Johnnie.

As it was I didn't pick up Johnnie until almost 8 PM. That's because Lisa called me at 7:15. She did that knowing full well I was headed over there at 7:30. Or did she really just not have it in her mind? In any case she was in "talk" mode. I guess they had spent the day at Descanso Gardens and Mike V was still around and hadn't left yet but was walking the neighborhood. Lisa talked as if she was a host that wanted to get rid of her guests but couldn't LOL. Anyway she sounded like she had fun. This was the kind of hanging out she really digs anyway. The funny thing was that invariably we talked about the shortcomings of friends and family... and talked about her dad again. I guess they were supposed to go shoe shopping today but Lisa hung out at Descanso instead. Just Lisa being Lisa. But of course her dad was disappointed. And could only lash out the only way he knew how to express himself. I actually feel sorry for the guy. I could relate. It would have made his entire day to hang out with Lisa. The way it would make mine just to be with her. But when Lisa is in willy-nilly-just-hanging-out mode … social butterfly mode I call it … she won't see any of that. She'll even wonder why you feel bad. Of course when the shoe is on the other foot she will call you on it. Given the opportunity, she had to bring up a couple of instances where she felt put off by stuff I said. I'm sure they were just words to fill gaps. To not have moments of uncomfortable silence. That she would take them personally just underscores how fragile her self-view is. Does she really give a crap of stuff I say? Why? And then when we talked about our past, she mentioned how lonely she had gotten when she was with me. I felt bad for her. I may have been partly responsible for that. But not 100% responsible. Did she forget I had a life too? And that marriage means co-existence give-and-take? I asked for forgiveness if I made her feel bad and that she was ok to tell me when I did that. Just so I can make an adjustment. I tried to remind her if I get emotional it's because I tend to try to defend her. I brought up the Christmas week night at the Westside pavilion when it was raining like hell and she was on the phone with Dr Lin. I got mad at Lisa because she was allowing herself to be taken advantage of. Instead she got mad at me for being mad. Confusion all around and that was unfortunate. And I still see she sees me as a target for her angry self that wants to get mad at someone. Any one. It's ok. I can get through this one. I remind myself that it's about ME. ME trying to get a rise out of MYSELF and attracted Lisa's energy. With that distinction it was much easier not to have a reaction at all. I picked up Johnnie and he immediately woke up knowing he was hanging out with his dad. Just like yesterday. We went and got him some chicken Mcnuggets and milk. And he got to drawing and listening to Frozen 2 songs. It was all good. But then it's back to school tomorrow and back to work for me. Still it was a good day off. Any day off is good. 

the power of why

We are here to learn lessons. To learn what God is like. To know ourselves as CREATORS and beings "of God". This is the reminder lesson for this morning. I also got a reminder to keep asking why in order to get my own CLARITY.

Why do I want to be financially independent? A question which led me to an Abraham-Hicks lecture on the very thing. Which basically reminds me to focus on what I want instead of what I don't want. I don't need to focus on not wanting to be in my job, or any job. I should focus instead on why working for myself is so much better.

What do I really want?

SATISFACTION. FULFILLMENT. CLARITY.

My ideas, my efforts, easy momentum. Effortless. Struggle free. Feeling of meant-to-be-ness. To be inspired and inspire others. 

Why Do I want to be a healer?
Hunger for knowledge. Hunger for expression. To provide value and service to others.

Why DO I want to write books?
Because I'm good at it  And to serve my talents of being a Librarian. A seeker and garnerer of Knowledge. Yet I do acknowledge that kept to myself, this knowledge is practically useless. I must learn to share and disseminate as well.

Am I aligned with my Purpose?
How does my role as Johnnie's dad fit into all this? Lots of questions and points to ponder and meditate on. More to come.

Fathers and Sons

So today golf was at Altadena at the behest of Chris who was bringing his  dad, visiting from Philly.  He thought it would be the easiest course to play. I had met his dad when Lisa and I came to their wedding back in the day but I honestly don't remember him. But I do remember Chris would tell us not so flattering stories about how he was raised. Stories like that tend to lose energy once you realize the principals are now old. Kind of like Lisa's dad. They did the best they can with the resources they had and in most cases, they too were a product of their programming and imprints from their parents. I guess the lesson here is that if there are things you don't like about how your parents raised you, you can now forgive them and put in the good programs and do it different with YOUR kids. Something I definitely have in mind when I am with Johnnie. I'm seeing him later in the day, verified by Lisa. She wants to do notes for a few hours. I'm all too happy to watch him in her stead. In the meantime, back to the life lesson that is Sunday golf. My tee shots were fine today, capped by a nice bomb on Hole 7 just like the last time I played that hole. I started 5-6-6 before tanking the really long Hole 4. After 5 holes I was just one hole back actually. And when I tied on hole 6 I had already tied for 4 holes. Then came the aforementioned bomb on Hole 7. I should have won that hole. Had a chance to tie. But I did not make my putt.  It always comes down to a stroke or a putt doesn't it? Hole 8 I had a chance to tie again. But 3-putted to lose the hole. I was disappointed by Hole 9 and I couldn't sustain positive stuff. I whiffed 2 straight times on a fairway shot that I laced 200 yards the last time we played. I hit par 5 that day. Today I shot 7. I could not relax on my putts. Twice I ended doing the exact opposite of what I visualized. I think it's because I simply was not relaxed enough and got to wound up. Got too tight. I could not get into any rhythm. That's the golf lesson for the day. Let the shot find you. Be in rhythm. Be relaxed. Oh well. At least it turned into a beautiful day out and I'm glad Chris got to play with his dad. I wish there were still things I could do with mine, but of course he is not around anymore. All I could do now is BE a good dad to my son. And do as many things together as we could.

And so speaking of which Lisa dropped him off at the apartment on their way back from their haircut. Awww I like his new haircut. Matches mine that I got from Friday. Now we BOTH have short hair. He was drowsy when he got to my place. But the minute I picked him up he perked up and did NOT want to go to sleep. He went into Johnnie mode as soon as he got in my apartment. Started to draw his dinosaurs, started to sing his Frozen 2 songs, started to dance. And we ended up spending the entire Sunday afternoon together. We played a bit of baseball in the courtyard, and when it came time to eat I took us to KFC on Pico. I knew he hadn't had that good of a lunch and who knows what kind of dinner he would get from Lisa tonight. And so I made sure he filled up. And fill up he did. He ate ALL that popcorn chicken. And then I had him back to Lisa's house at 6:30 PM like I promised. AND I made him wear the new VANS shoes I had waiting in the wings for the last few months, waiting for him to grow into them. He's grown into them. Lisa wasn't home yet when we got to her house and Courtney was dead asleep. How does she do that?  Anyway I was glad for the 4 hours with Johnnie. That's quite a bit longer than simply watching him at one of Lisa's soccer games anyway. I know I'll get him back tomorrow night too, but as I said I'm happy with whatever time I get with him when it's not my turn and I told Lisa as much. I even got to play with him for another hour while Lisa made them dinner [see I knew they didn't have food]. And then I went home and got to watch an EPIC 4th quarter of this year's NBA All-Star game. It was SOOO good! Exciting basketball from the best of the best in the world and they were going at it and competing like it was not an exhibition, but like it was a play-off game. They played defense, took charges, got stops I mean it was amazing! Don't know quite what the difference was from past All-Star Games other than the format and the fact that they were trying to honor Kobe. Still it was good. The best part of tonight though was that I get the day off tomorrow. And I don't have to wake up early. I will anyway but I don't have to. Makes all the difference in the world.