We had a good day yesterday. A full day. And today promises to be more of the same particularly because Johnnie has a BEACH themed Zoom get-together with his class tonight. As for me it's one of my breath out days which means I'm in the middle of cruise control after having sprinted yesterday. I'm still focused on making sure Johnnie develops confidence in working with his chromebook to do his classes, no different than when I was trying to develop his confidence in his scooter (which he did) and his bike (which he did). And so the morning went tat-tat-tat. Johnnie's class, then before it was even over, my meeting with my team at 9:30, then as soon as that was over the Director's Meeting at 10, which lasted until 11:30 actually. So much for cruise control. I thought my meetings were productive though and I know Johnnie's class was as well and I loved that he is learning to articulate himself in more than a-few-syllable answers. Still I was able to let him engage with me even while I was on my Zoom meetings for a good 2 hours and he at least tried to do things on his own before coming in to talk to me. You get surprised at the things he puts together when left alone. A kite. A paper boat. All kinds of messages and signs and then here I am declaring that it's lunch time and we needed to head out to pick up food. After my meetings I had no intention of cooking anything, and I was happy to eat a McDonald's chicken sandwich for lunch. Man I'm sure putting in a lot of money in that place on a daily basis aren't I? I supplemented Johnnie's Mcnuggets with some udon. And so what made me irritated when he took his time eating everything and started stuffing food in his mouth is something I need to introspect about. Was it that he didn't eat the food after I spent time preparing it? Was it that he was about to throw it all up? Whatever it is that irritated me, what I need to remember was that I made Johnnie cry. And I think it was something I myself created since I was just thinking a little while back that it had been sometime since I did that. And it was just this morning that I remembered it and thought simply that it was a bullying act on my part. And here I am recreating it. Sigh. The good thing was that I do know how to make him feel better no matter what and all I needed to do was snap myself out of my own state, tell him it was all ok and it was daddy's fault, and tickle him a little bit to make him laugh. And then it was all good again.
And so I got him back to his happy self for the afternoon and I let him read all kinds of books from the EPIC library online that he now has access to. Especially his favorite "Don't let the pigeon ride DA BUS!" And although I didn't have any more meetings for the afternoon, I did have a lot of emails to respond to and stuff to follow up on. And so my cruise control Thursday ended up being a work Thursday unlike I would do before in the office. I think you DO more when you work from home actually. Maybe it's because you feel guilty when you don't much more so than if you were in the office. Weird huh? For his part, Johnnie continued to work independently most of the day, even as he kept coming in to my room asking me if I was done with my calls. All the kid wants to do is hang out with his dad. Aww. I would have loved to say we took the afternoon off and rode around the neighborhood like we had before but when I looked up from work it was already 4:30 PM. I did manage to get in a few minutes of fun with him here and there. A swordfight with plastic straws. Our exercise time with YouTube. But before I knew it it was already time to head out to get dinner. Panda Express for him, leftover fettuccini bolognese for me. And then at 7 PM his BEACH ZOOM meeting. That reminded me of Build-A-Tent night with his TK class a few months ago. I ended up doing that at my house because Lisa bugged out. And I'm starting to think she gets really frustrated with all this Zoom stuff. She says so herself. And she said it again when she called to pick up Johnnie right in the middle of his Zoom call. Immediately it took away my focus from Johnnie squarely to her because I sensed a whole lot of negativity. And instead of protecting myself from it, I played into it. I dropped my guard I admit. And so it should not have been a surprise that when she did pick Johnnie up, the usual catch-up conversation devolved into a full on argument. My offer to help again tomorrow morning seemed to have brought out Lisa's feelings of being inadequate. And now she is on the defensive. Blaming this, blaming that. And I couldn't be emotionally supportive becaused I FELT attacked. And i got on the defensive too. And so the evening ended with me simply walking off <better that than to have Johnnie watch us argue> and stewing for the rest of the evening. Well it WAS a good day... until Lisa happened. I really need to work on that. Because I know all that is still up to me...
Man I'm going to miss Sunday golf. Through everything going on from 5 years back and even beyond that, it helped keep me sane. Especially when I was going through separation and divorce. Golf was the one constant. And I missed it this morning. Greg's cackle. Scott's senior moments. Even Chris's impatience. With LA's stay-at-home order which now includes beaches and trails, I'm not sure when we will get to play again and this will be the longest golf hiatus since I started to play more than a decade ago. I'm sad. And so I woke up, and did some meditation. I was tinkering with the Image Cycling method which I would have learned with the Bengston Method seminar from a couple of weeks back and so I was consolidating and processing my images into words. I think I got those all done. And then by 9 AM I got a call from Lisa asking if I was still coming to breakfast this morning like we had discussed. I didn't want to be presumptive like yesterday. I felt like I had ruined Lisa's routine and really messed her up and put her on overwhelm. It doesn't take much I know, especially now she's dealing with a huge life event like not being able to go to work. So, no I'm NOT doing that again. I had already had my tea and some Hawaiian bread but I did go on over for a late breakfast anyway. Hey, at least I'd get to see Johnnie this morning. And as it turned out I did get to play with him his dinosaur collection and read the Magic School Bus book to him, all while Lisa tried to get some piano practice in. I heard her phone ring though after a while and she picked it up and stopped playing. Which was my cue to let her know I was going home. Hey I have my own Sunday routine to do. Usually after golf, I'd have lunch, clean up the apartment, and then finish laundry. And with a brand new washer/dryer it would actually be get done quickly and quietly. I told mommy and son I'd be back in the afternoon as if it was a regular Sunday and Lisa was still going to soccer and needed me to watch Johnnie. And so I went on home, and had lunch. I had so many leftovers still and lots of food I could cook too. It would have been ok to spend the rest of Sunday at my apartment I think. I still had all these classes I needed to take. I keep signing up for stuff and not actually getting any of them finished. I finished the Yale parenting course. But all these energy healing courses I have yet to finish the I signed up for I have to do. It's like I've been learning bits and pieces from these YouTube videos but haven't really put in the practice time. Everything is about practice practice practice and I should NOT expect to learn everything after watching just 15 minutes of a YouTube video. That is part of the work I have to do. I'm still learning how to be a master manifestor. And right now I think I'm still a practicing "initiate". Anyway I spent my Sunday afternoon watching videos and trying to learn stuff and by 5 PM, I pinged Lisa to see if it was still ok to come to dinner. I had made ground pork and cabbage for myself but I still had the leftover Italian sausage and pasta. She had leftover salmon. That was already plenty for dinner and so I went on over. I should have realized Lisa was still in a negative state from yesterday (and I remind myself I also contributed to that). We made it through the dinner. But to make it all the way through the entire weekend without any more crap would have been to much to ask. After dinner Lisa and Johnnie were making a gingerbread man. I asked if I could take home some leftover dough so we could continue Tuesday night cookie routine. I wasn't able to get some Trader Joe's pre-made cookie dough. Lisa agreed but insisted that I take her rolling pin so I could "do it right". And that basically opened up an old wound for the both of us, one centered around the control thing. She just insisted I take the rolling pin. I insisted that I didn't want to. I mean I'm no baker, I just wanted something ready made. She didn't or wouldn't or couldn't understand this. And when she said "sometimes you're just difficult", well it really did set ME off as it was an old trigger. I'M BEING DIFFICULT YOU DUMB BITCH was what went through my mind. IT'S MY KITCHEN AND I DO WHAT I WANT. Now I know my vibration had hit some kind of low smh. In retrospect it probably would have been easier to just take the fucking rolling pin and not use it at all. I do what I do no matter what she says anyway. I don't pay attention to what she says regardless. But tonight I stood my ground and got stubborn. I'm pretty sure it was because I had spent more time with her this weekend than I ever had and it brought us back to a really huge reminder that at some point WE STOP WORKING TOGETHER and WE BOTH DO THE CONTROL THING. She went off and played the piano. After a while I went on home. Without the goddamn rolling pin and with a whole ton of cleaning and clearing to do. Something always comes up to clean. And I had spent the afternoon watching Ho'oonoponopono videos too LOL LOL. I did get to watch the Walking Dead and then I did my cleaning and clearing exercises. Weekend over. Lisa and I had done so well for a really long time. It was bound to catch up with us. But then after a while I started to calm down. Can I really blame her? She's in worry mode once again. All I can do is keep some distance, and keep cleaning and clearing and reminding myself to ACCEPT and FORGIVE. And not just her. Me too. Ironically I came upon a memory ping from Google PHotos. It would appear exactly 2 years ago was when Lisa and I decided our marriage was done. Maybe this weekend was simply a reminder of that energy. And a reminder that I'm still not fully healed. I've got more work to do. And that is ok. I forgive myself for that too...
So i woke up this morning and immediately sort of ran into Joe Vitale's Mastermind class on Facebook. Didn't really plan it although I did reserve a space. And I ended up listening to this all-day event for about an hour and in that small amount of time I already had a big distinction that I took away. The first is the message that the Universe seems to be giving all of us regarding this coronavirus thing. The message? GO INSIDE. Which is to say do the internal work and focus on the inner self. And then the second takeaway was about goal setting and manifestation and the reason for the object of our intention. This from Jose Silva: Make sure the essence of what you are manifesting or the outcomes yo're trying to bring about benefits not just you but at least three other people. Very cool learning lesson first thing. Unfortunately, it didn't help the rest of the morning. That's because I went over to Lisa's house for breakfast like we talked about last Thursday night. I didn't call ahead, didn't give any warning, I just headed over there. And found Lisa and Johnnie pretty much just lollygagging in bed still. Now that by itself is no big deal at all. It's Saturday after all. But then Johnnie started eating potato chips, which to me meant that he was hungry and immediately I snapped into feed-Johnnie-mode. This while Lisa is telling me that she had lost internet connectivity in the whole house. Apparently her parents came yesterday to visit and then Oscar the Handyman came to remove the Verizon box outside the house. It wasn't doing anything mind you, it was just there. But Lisa is restless and is in the mood to remove stuff. When she is restless like this she is at her absolute WORST and I should have already recognized it. She ended up not only removing the Verizon box but i'm sure she also removed the cable that connected her to the internet. Unbelievable. I would have been livid had I been living her. This is so Lisa. Anyway, I helped her get on the phone with Jorge to diagnose the internet problem. But in doing so, it just distracted her even further and so I got caught up in my own need for control and order. And I made Johnnie eggs for breakfast. And this absolute turned Lisa's morning even more topsy turvy because she wanted to do family breakfast sitting all together. Didn't happen. Which irritated her. I could sense it as she got increasingly perturbed on the phone with Spectrum that she never got a hold of. Fortunately, she called Oscar. Hey, removed the cable, he can figure out how to put it back. And with that I beat a retreat home, apologizing to Lisa that I had screwed up her plans for the morning. I went home, did some meditation. Walked around the neighborhood. Got myself in a good state. And then went back to Lisa's house to see if I could make it up to her by cooking them lunch. But of course she was already stuck on HER plan for the day which was to get her internet fixed. No problem there. She asked me to come back later on tonight so we could all have dinner instead. Good. I get to have my LEARNING SATURDAY then. And so I went back home.
It became clear to me that I needed to clean and clear SOMETHING. I know Lisa spent yesterday with her family, to which she attributes not paying attention while the contractor took off the Verizon box. But she was still the one that wasn't paying attention. It's funny how she always says her mom simply causes trouble. Does she NOT realize that she is the same way and she unknowingly causes chaos and trouble in her world and therefore sucks other people into it too? At least I don't have to be there to be part of that anymore and I did spend the rest of the afternoon just quietly doing lessons and doing internal work. I was even prepared to simply spend the rest of the evening at home. Did I really need to go back to Lisa's house? Well we did talk about dinner and then she asked to bring a movie for family movie night too. Why is she stuck on "family" stuff? Johnnie and I are a family. She and Johnnie are part of a different family now. THAT is by divorce decree. WE are no longer family. I am just trying to be nice. And when she does stuff like this morning, it is a rather glaring reminder of why we are no longer a family. But I did make pasta and I did barbecue some chicken Italian sausage. And I did go back for dinner at Lisa's house. And after dinner, she and Johnnie did make popcorn and we all sat down to movie night. Haven't done THAT in a very, very long time. Years. WE watched Frozen II for the umpteenth time. Yes it was repetitive. But there is no denying how absolutely cute it was for Johnnie to be belting out half the songs in the movie. Although Johnnie did call us both out when in the middle of the movie he caught me on my cell and Lisa reading a book. Not exactly fully present with him weren't we. Hmmm. Thank you for the lesson Little Bug. And so it was that we did manage to get through movie night relatively unscathed. After this morning's warning shot, that was actually a big deal. This as Facebook and Google Photos reminded me that this was the time period of our biggest fights 2 years ago. The time we actually did decide to call it quits. Lisa simply has no mechanism to deal with adversity except in a negative way. She's bugging about her office being closed I get it. She is having a hard time dealing with it. But I remind myself I need to clean and clear myself too. I'm around this negative energy because I invited it in sometime during the week. And it is up to me to control my thinking and to control my state. Back to the lessons this morning that I should have carried with me. I can do that now. Ok. then. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Let go of the past. Accept the present. Forgive. Raise your vibration.
