Too Much To Ask

Man I'm going to miss Sunday golf. Through everything going on from 5 years back and even beyond that, it helped keep me sane. Especially when I was going through separation and divorce. Golf was the one constant. And I missed it this morning. Greg's cackle. Scott's senior moments. Even Chris's impatience. With LA's stay-at-home order which now includes beaches and trails, I'm not sure when we will get to play again and this will be the longest golf hiatus since I started to play more than a decade ago. I'm sad. And so I woke up, and did some meditation. I was tinkering with the Image Cycling method which I would have learned with the Bengston Method seminar from a couple of weeks back and so I was consolidating and processing my images into words. I think I got those all done. And then by 9 AM I got a call from Lisa asking if I was still coming to breakfast this morning like we had discussed. I didn't want to be presumptive like yesterday. I felt like I had ruined Lisa's routine and really messed her up and put her on overwhelm. It doesn't take much I know, especially now she's dealing with a huge life event like not being able to go to work. So, no I'm NOT doing that again. I had already had my tea and some Hawaiian bread but I did go on over for a late breakfast anyway. Hey, at least I'd get to see Johnnie this morning.  And as it turned out I did get to play with him his dinosaur collection and read the Magic School Bus book to him, all while Lisa tried to get some piano practice in. I heard her phone ring though after a while and she picked it up and stopped playing. Which was my cue to let her know I was going home. Hey I have my own Sunday routine to do. Usually after golf, I'd have lunch, clean up the apartment, and then finish laundry. And with a brand new washer/dryer it would actually be get done quickly and quietly. I told mommy and son I'd be back in the afternoon as if it was a regular Sunday and Lisa was still going to soccer and needed me to watch Johnnie. And so I went on home, and had lunch. I had so many leftovers still and lots of food I could cook too. It would have been ok to spend the rest of Sunday at my apartment I think. I still had all these classes I needed to take. I keep signing up for stuff and not actually getting any of them finished. I finished the Yale parenting course. But all these energy healing courses I have yet to finish the I signed up for I have to do. It's like I've been learning bits and pieces from these YouTube videos but haven't really put in the practice time. Everything is about practice practice practice and I should NOT expect to learn everything after watching just 15 minutes of a YouTube video. That is part of the work I have to do. I'm still learning how to be a master manifestor. And right now I think I'm still a practicing "initiate". Anyway I spent my Sunday afternoon watching videos and trying to learn stuff and by 5 PM, I pinged Lisa to see if it was still ok to come to dinner. I had made ground pork and cabbage for myself but I still had the leftover Italian sausage and pasta. She had leftover salmon. That was already plenty for dinner and so I went on over. I should have realized Lisa was still in a negative state from yesterday (and I remind myself I also contributed to that). We made it through the dinner. But to make it all the way through the entire weekend without any more crap would have been to much to ask. After dinner Lisa and Johnnie were making a gingerbread man. I asked if I could take home some leftover dough so we could continue Tuesday night cookie routine. I wasn't able to get some Trader Joe's pre-made cookie dough. Lisa agreed but insisted that I take her rolling pin so I could "do it right". And that basically opened up an old wound for the both of us, one centered around the control thing. She just insisted I take the rolling pin. I insisted that I didn't want to. I mean I'm no baker, I just wanted something ready made. She didn't or wouldn't or couldn't understand this. And when she said "sometimes you're just difficult", well it really did set ME off as it was an old trigger. I'M BEING DIFFICULT YOU DUMB BITCH was what went through my mind. IT'S MY KITCHEN AND I DO WHAT I WANT.  Now I know my vibration had hit some kind of low smh. In retrospect it probably would have been easier to just take the fucking rolling pin and not use it at all. I do what I do no matter what she says anyway. I don't pay attention to what she says regardless. But tonight I stood my ground and got stubborn. I'm pretty sure it was because I had spent more time with her this weekend than I ever had and it brought us back to a really huge reminder that at some point WE STOP WORKING TOGETHER and WE BOTH DO THE CONTROL THING. She went off and played the piano. After a while I went on home. Without the goddamn rolling pin and with a whole ton of cleaning and clearing to do. Something always comes up to clean. And I had spent the afternoon watching Ho'oonoponopono videos too LOL LOL. I did get to watch the Walking Dead and then I did my cleaning and clearing exercises. Weekend over. Lisa and I had done so well for a really long time. It was bound to catch up with us. But then after a while I started to calm down. Can I really blame her? She's in worry mode once again. All I can do is keep some distance, and keep cleaning and clearing and reminding myself to ACCEPT and FORGIVE. And not just her. Me too. Ironically I came upon a memory ping from Google PHotos. It would appear exactly 2 years ago was when Lisa and I decided our marriage was done.  Maybe this weekend was simply a reminder of that energy. And a reminder that I'm still not fully healed. I've got more work to do. And that is ok. I forgive myself for that too...