"The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be. Otherwise you will be forced to relive the past again and again. Eckhart Tolle" I was just thinking about that little blip of an event at Johnnie's birthday last Sunday where Lisa was bugging so much about how to do the pinata rope that I just simply gave it to her to do herself. Control stuff. Old stuff. Came up again today when Lisa called re: picking up Johnnie. She had to bug about our joint account running out of money. How does financial stuff between us continue to be a lighted dynamite stick. One or both of us usually tend to go off. I can never understand how her mind solves problems. The solution was simple. Put money in the account. Lisa tends to dwell on the when and the how much and the minutae of all that and it still drives me nuts. But really I knew there was more to it and it had more to do with me because I was able to remind myself that everyone is ME pushed out. And I'm doing the pushing. I reminded myself that everything is the Law of Attraction at work. Upon further reflection, I became aware that that financial "discussion" <I decline to say argument> that Lisa and I had this evening was merely the Universe trying to tell me there are parts of me I need to clear in order to experience the abundance that I seek. After all, how can I attract millions if I am focused on losing a few hundred dollars. I took a walk and realized that I had negative energy towards finances, even if it is just within the context of dealing with Lisa. I realized that she will never feel wealthy enough where her mindset is. And neither will I if I don't clear these negative thoughtforms. And therein lies the work isn't it? Work to do...
Man I'm going to miss Sunday golf. Through everything going on from 5 years back and even beyond that, it helped keep me sane. Especially when I was going through separation and divorce. Golf was the one constant. And I missed it this morning. Greg's cackle. Scott's senior moments. Even Chris's impatience. With LA's stay-at-home order which now includes beaches and trails, I'm not sure when we will get to play again and this will be the longest golf hiatus since I started to play more than a decade ago. I'm sad. And so I woke up, and did some meditation. I was tinkering with the Image Cycling method which I would have learned with the Bengston Method seminar from a couple of weeks back and so I was consolidating and processing my images into words. I think I got those all done. And then by 9 AM I got a call from Lisa asking if I was still coming to breakfast this morning like we had discussed. I didn't want to be presumptive like yesterday. I felt like I had ruined Lisa's routine and really messed her up and put her on overwhelm. It doesn't take much I know, especially now she's dealing with a huge life event like not being able to go to work. So, no I'm NOT doing that again. I had already had my tea and some Hawaiian bread but I did go on over for a late breakfast anyway. Hey, at least I'd get to see Johnnie this morning. And as it turned out I did get to play with him his dinosaur collection and read the Magic School Bus book to him, all while Lisa tried to get some piano practice in. I heard her phone ring though after a while and she picked it up and stopped playing. Which was my cue to let her know I was going home. Hey I have my own Sunday routine to do. Usually after golf, I'd have lunch, clean up the apartment, and then finish laundry. And with a brand new washer/dryer it would actually be get done quickly and quietly. I told mommy and son I'd be back in the afternoon as if it was a regular Sunday and Lisa was still going to soccer and needed me to watch Johnnie. And so I went on home, and had lunch. I had so many leftovers still and lots of food I could cook too. It would have been ok to spend the rest of Sunday at my apartment I think. I still had all these classes I needed to take. I keep signing up for stuff and not actually getting any of them finished. I finished the Yale parenting course. But all these energy healing courses I have yet to finish the I signed up for I have to do. It's like I've been learning bits and pieces from these YouTube videos but haven't really put in the practice time. Everything is about practice practice practice and I should NOT expect to learn everything after watching just 15 minutes of a YouTube video. That is part of the work I have to do. I'm still learning how to be a master manifestor. And right now I think I'm still a practicing "initiate". Anyway I spent my Sunday afternoon watching videos and trying to learn stuff and by 5 PM, I pinged Lisa to see if it was still ok to come to dinner. I had made ground pork and cabbage for myself but I still had the leftover Italian sausage and pasta. She had leftover salmon. That was already plenty for dinner and so I went on over. I should have realized Lisa was still in a negative state from yesterday (and I remind myself I also contributed to that). We made it through the dinner. But to make it all the way through the entire weekend without any more crap would have been to much to ask. After dinner Lisa and Johnnie were making a gingerbread man. I asked if I could take home some leftover dough so we could continue Tuesday night cookie routine. I wasn't able to get some Trader Joe's pre-made cookie dough. Lisa agreed but insisted that I take her rolling pin so I could "do it right". And that basically opened up an old wound for the both of us, one centered around the control thing. She just insisted I take the rolling pin. I insisted that I didn't want to. I mean I'm no baker, I just wanted something ready made. She didn't or wouldn't or couldn't understand this. And when she said "sometimes you're just difficult", well it really did set ME off as it was an old trigger. I'M BEING DIFFICULT YOU DUMB BITCH was what went through my mind. IT'S MY KITCHEN AND I DO WHAT I WANT. Now I know my vibration had hit some kind of low smh. In retrospect it probably would have been easier to just take the fucking rolling pin and not use it at all. I do what I do no matter what she says anyway. I don't pay attention to what she says regardless. But tonight I stood my ground and got stubborn. I'm pretty sure it was because I had spent more time with her this weekend than I ever had and it brought us back to a really huge reminder that at some point WE STOP WORKING TOGETHER and WE BOTH DO THE CONTROL THING. She went off and played the piano. After a while I went on home. Without the goddamn rolling pin and with a whole ton of cleaning and clearing to do. Something always comes up to clean. And I had spent the afternoon watching Ho'oonoponopono videos too LOL LOL. I did get to watch the Walking Dead and then I did my cleaning and clearing exercises. Weekend over. Lisa and I had done so well for a really long time. It was bound to catch up with us. But then after a while I started to calm down. Can I really blame her? She's in worry mode once again. All I can do is keep some distance, and keep cleaning and clearing and reminding myself to ACCEPT and FORGIVE. And not just her. Me too. Ironically I came upon a memory ping from Google PHotos. It would appear exactly 2 years ago was when Lisa and I decided our marriage was done. Maybe this weekend was simply a reminder of that energy. And a reminder that I'm still not fully healed. I've got more work to do. And that is ok. I forgive myself for that too...
So i woke up this morning and immediately sort of ran into Joe Vitale's Mastermind class on Facebook. Didn't really plan it although I did reserve a space. And I ended up listening to this all-day event for about an hour and in that small amount of time I already had a big distinction that I took away. The first is the message that the Universe seems to be giving all of us regarding this coronavirus thing. The message? GO INSIDE. Which is to say do the internal work and focus on the inner self. And then the second takeaway was about goal setting and manifestation and the reason for the object of our intention. This from Jose Silva: Make sure the essence of what you are manifesting or the outcomes yo're trying to bring about benefits not just you but at least three other people. Very cool learning lesson first thing. Unfortunately, it didn't help the rest of the morning. That's because I went over to Lisa's house for breakfast like we talked about last Thursday night. I didn't call ahead, didn't give any warning, I just headed over there. And found Lisa and Johnnie pretty much just lollygagging in bed still. Now that by itself is no big deal at all. It's Saturday after all. But then Johnnie started eating potato chips, which to me meant that he was hungry and immediately I snapped into feed-Johnnie-mode. This while Lisa is telling me that she had lost internet connectivity in the whole house. Apparently her parents came yesterday to visit and then Oscar the Handyman came to remove the Verizon box outside the house. It wasn't doing anything mind you, it was just there. But Lisa is restless and is in the mood to remove stuff. When she is restless like this she is at her absolute WORST and I should have already recognized it. She ended up not only removing the Verizon box but i'm sure she also removed the cable that connected her to the internet. Unbelievable. I would have been livid had I been living her. This is so Lisa. Anyway, I helped her get on the phone with Jorge to diagnose the internet problem. But in doing so, it just distracted her even further and so I got caught up in my own need for control and order. And I made Johnnie eggs for breakfast. And this absolute turned Lisa's morning even more topsy turvy because she wanted to do family breakfast sitting all together. Didn't happen. Which irritated her. I could sense it as she got increasingly perturbed on the phone with Spectrum that she never got a hold of. Fortunately, she called Oscar. Hey, removed the cable, he can figure out how to put it back. And with that I beat a retreat home, apologizing to Lisa that I had screwed up her plans for the morning. I went home, did some meditation. Walked around the neighborhood. Got myself in a good state. And then went back to Lisa's house to see if I could make it up to her by cooking them lunch. But of course she was already stuck on HER plan for the day which was to get her internet fixed. No problem there. She asked me to come back later on tonight so we could all have dinner instead. Good. I get to have my LEARNING SATURDAY then. And so I went back home.
It became clear to me that I needed to clean and clear SOMETHING. I know Lisa spent yesterday with her family, to which she attributes not paying attention while the contractor took off the Verizon box. But she was still the one that wasn't paying attention. It's funny how she always says her mom simply causes trouble. Does she NOT realize that she is the same way and she unknowingly causes chaos and trouble in her world and therefore sucks other people into it too? At least I don't have to be there to be part of that anymore and I did spend the rest of the afternoon just quietly doing lessons and doing internal work. I was even prepared to simply spend the rest of the evening at home. Did I really need to go back to Lisa's house? Well we did talk about dinner and then she asked to bring a movie for family movie night too. Why is she stuck on "family" stuff? Johnnie and I are a family. She and Johnnie are part of a different family now. THAT is by divorce decree. WE are no longer family. I am just trying to be nice. And when she does stuff like this morning, it is a rather glaring reminder of why we are no longer a family. But I did make pasta and I did barbecue some chicken Italian sausage. And I did go back for dinner at Lisa's house. And after dinner, she and Johnnie did make popcorn and we all sat down to movie night. Haven't done THAT in a very, very long time. Years. WE watched Frozen II for the umpteenth time. Yes it was repetitive. But there is no denying how absolutely cute it was for Johnnie to be belting out half the songs in the movie. Although Johnnie did call us both out when in the middle of the movie he caught me on my cell and Lisa reading a book. Not exactly fully present with him weren't we. Hmmm. Thank you for the lesson Little Bug. And so it was that we did manage to get through movie night relatively unscathed. After this morning's warning shot, that was actually a big deal. This as Facebook and Google Photos reminded me that this was the time period of our biggest fights 2 years ago. The time we actually did decide to call it quits. Lisa simply has no mechanism to deal with adversity except in a negative way. She's bugging about her office being closed I get it. She is having a hard time dealing with it. But I remind myself I need to clean and clear myself too. I'm around this negative energy because I invited it in sometime during the week. And it is up to me to control my thinking and to control my state. Back to the lessons this morning that I should have carried with me. I can do that now. Ok. then. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Let go of the past. Accept the present. Forgive. Raise your vibration.
Maybe it was that time that we spent at the Santa Monica Airport Soccer field last night which had brought up memories both pleasant and unpleasant but I knew I was going to be tested today at some point. Still what I was focused on this morning was that it was supposed to rain all day. Yep, the rains are back... at least for the next couple of days and I wanted to make sure Johnnie was properly clothed for school. As it turned out it was nothing more than a very light drizzle this morning as the rain had apparently come last night already. Still here is Johnnie already jumping on all puddles he encountered on his way to school. It's so good to be a kid :) As an adult, here I am spending my entire day practically on the Internet and trying to bring in about 15 laptops so folks in the office that don't have them are able to telecommute. I guess we're being serious with this thing right? The most important thing I think is to deal with the mindset and the anxiety more than the virus itself. If anything, this DOES force me to take advantage of the telecommute thing doesn't it although it was always available to me from the start. And so I had to work harder than I intended to all day long today, with more to come tomorrow and the rest of the week. In fact, this ensures that my entire team is busy through the weekend. Just us doing what we do though. Not a big deal at all. By the end of the day we still didn't get the atmospheric water storm and heavy rain that I thought we would get today. Just a bunch of dark and heavy clouds like an ominous warning. Like the coronavirus, you're aware of it, but so far it didn't really hit. The sun was even out by the time I got to Johnnie's school...
DISTRACTION Like I said this morning though it was almost a sure thing that I was going to get tested today. And sure enough as soon as I checked in to pick up Johnnie, one of the moms came up to me and introduced herself. It was Cyrus's mom Sarah. She told me that Johnnie had bit Cyrus yesterday at star and although he didn't break skin, he did bite through clothes. No harm done really as far as I was concerned, at least that's what I would if it were the other way around. Still I made it a point to talk to Johnnie about it and immediately. And since the program director Katie also told me about it, then I had to address it right then and there. And I asked Johnnie to apologize to Cyrus since the boy was still there as well. He did that. Right in front of Cyrus's mom. Johnnie appeared sincerely contrite enough to me. And so done deal as far as I was concerned. For the first time in a while, Johnnie wanted to stick around and play in the yard. Maybe he felt bad about me finding out about the Cyrus thing. Whatever it was I let him play as long as he wanted. See the pics of him playing with the swing ball in the yard. And I watched him play with Leo and Julian too. I think he was ok. And it was 5:45 when we headed on home. I immediately got his penne in chicken noodle broth ready and then headed out to the BBQ area to cook our Italian sausage. That's when I got another DISTRACTION. This time it was Lisa. She wanted to know about our joint account and the money I put in there. She's bugging about money stuff again, that would be the only reason she's in there looking. And now she was looking for a fight. I know the signs. She would do this many a time when we were together. There were very few times that we'd talk about money and financial things and NOT get into a fight. And so immediately I went into defense mode. She was asking for explanations I wasn't readily available to provide. Hey I'm making dinner for crying out loud. And so I became aware that my defensive/need-to-control/need-to-win ego had taken control. And I knew nothing would happen except she and I arguing and feeling bad. Lisa did admit about some banking stuff that had happened to her and made her hyper-aware of her finances...again. I felt like I was being checked up on. And I felt like she was feeling cheated yet again... by me. Old negative patterns, old tired stories. I needed to get out of the conversation as quick as possible so I can change my state and figure out what IS going on with the account. There is always an explanation. Explanations and the conveyance of the right intentions would clear this up I thought. But not tonight. When the phone cut out in the middle of conversation, I let it remain cut off. And went about the usual Tuesday night. Dinner, then cookies, then lots of play time with Johnnie. I might have dodged a couple of obstacles but the emotional and energetic patterns still need to be cleaned up. A lot to work on. And I felt it was ok if I didn't get to them immediately. Early night Tuesday after all. After a couple of nights of less than average sleep, I could use more sleep than usual today. I will clean stuff up tomorrow...
Perhaps it was the "all-day" (relatively all-day anyway) contemplative stuff that I did yesterday that kept me in more of an "observer state" today. After all, it is Sunday, the first Sunday in Lent, it is the first day of March and a brand new month, and I'm teeing off at Eaton Canyon at 8:25 AM first thing. The last time we played here was the day Kobe Bryant died in the helicopter accident. And I also remember getting on in 2, somewhat incredulously on the first 2 holes. I should be able to do that again and then some. Right? Not so fast. Going back to the blog post from that day, it seemed like I was doing some visualization right before each shot. And reminding myself to relax and slow my swing down. That seemed to be the key. I was more deliberate. My swing had very good rhythm. Which, after the first tee shot on the first hole, I knew I did not have. I belted the thing so hard but it hit a tree on the left side and fell straight down 100 yards from the box. I was lucky even to get 100 yards. The lesson? It is what your most dominant visual, the most dominant thought(s) that controls what happens. But it IS your thoughts. If I'm not hitting the ball well, or consistently, my thoughts are consistently off the mark as well. In hindsight, I should have done more to slow myself down. But I didn't. And I played as if by random. And so my shots were as if by random. Some were good, some were bad, some were really bad. I should have chanelled Yoda: CONTROL. You must learn CONTROL. and by that he might your mind. Needless to say I did not have a good golf game today. The last time we played I almost played myself to a win. Today I won 2 holes, only 1 of them outright. And it felt lucky to win those 2 holes. I hit the ball well most of the time, but not accurately. Worse, a few times I either moved my ball to get a better lie or put it down where i wanted. Yep. I cheated. I was playing so badly I felt like I needed to just to keep up. Instead of working on my "work". Sigh. That's going to need some cleaning and clearing later on.
And then the biggest lesson of all came later after golf. After I had lunch [my usual salmon plate at Crimson], after I had taken a fairly long nap after that. Usually I'd get a call from Lisa to watch Johnnie while she played soccer this afternoon. I didn't get such a call today, which usually meant that she had either made other plans as in she wasn't playing soccer this afternoon [like last week for example], or someone else is watching him. Either way it IS her turn and she has the absolute right to do what she wished today. I reminded myself of that. When i see Johnnie on Sundays is at Lisa's discretion solely per our agreement. Still I'm not going to lie and say I wished she called today. And so when she didn't, that part of me that manufactures crap, the same part of me that manufactured tension between us at Thursday's hand-off, started to make up reasons for me to feel bad about this. Could Lisa be cutting me off to get even for last Thursday? I did some exercises to quiet my mind knowing full well it is now somewhat out of control. I went back to this week's lessons on LACK. All suffering comes from the EGO and thoughts of LACK. LACK of CERTAINTY [It's not safe], LACK OF SELF-LOVE [I'm not good enough, I don't deserve it..."love"]. And with that I also found this great video from Sandra Rolus on clearing blockages for money using specific breathing exercises. And for some reason it accessed more blocks and me aware of those. It was energy work. And it seemed to do something. At 5 PM I got a call from Lisa. She was on her way with Johnnie [asleep] to Joah's house for a dinner invite. And she told me she had had another full Lisa-type weekend that started Thursday night. Mel and Jacob had come over and spent the night through Saturday. THAT was why she was rushed herself last Thursday. It wasn't me. It wasn't us. Mel and Jacob were on their way over. And then this weekend, Elaine and Carmen and Tony came and visited too and hung out. No wonder I didn't hear from her today. It had nothing to do with me at all! Boy was I way WAY off. Perceptions can get you all knotted up sometimes for absolutely NO REASON WHATSOEVER. And with that all of a sudden i didn't feel bad anymore. Perhaps it's because those energy exercises allowed me to give myself permission not to feel bad. I went out and got shrimp pad thai for dinner, cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, and watched tonight's episode of the Walking Dead. A perfectly great Sunday evening. See what happens when you free yourself from suffering you yourself create? Hmmm. Like I said yesterday. Gotta keep cleaning and clearing every.single.day.
This being a Thursday and the last day I get to drop Johnnie off to school this week, I reveled that it was still pretty warm out. So much so that for the 3rd straight day I sent him off wearing shorts. And no jacket. For some reason this morning my awareness was on myself, and the fact that I wasn't really socializing with other parents when I drop Johnnie off at school. Why was I thinking that? I am aware that when I think such things, it's simply my ego cherry-picking for something wrong for me to worry about. That and maybe a reminder that there is a "program" running that makes me thumb my nose down at people in general. It's a program that says PEOPLE DON'T THINK and that makes me irritated at them as if I'm so perfect. Anyway it is a generalization, and a bad one at that. And it makes me keep people at arm's length. Not all the time. But I do notice I think negative thoughts about the other parents. Like I'm being judgemental about them. Why and how the hell am I doing THAT? That isn't good. And unfortunately, I didn't catch it early enough to do something about it. At least not before I went to work and went on to my next meeting, which was the CCALAC HIT Forum. TWICE in that meeting Candice and Roman Chapa made off-handed comments that I should stop being such a jerk. On the 2nd time I think I had the realization that probably they weren't kidding. And so I spoke less. I'm sure I said something to simply bring attention to myself. And that makes me cringe now when I think about it. Once again it's MY EGO out in full force. Fortunately I did feel like I provided some value at the meeting by at least getting things discussed that folks wanted to talk about. And I think I contributed not only by bringing up stuff but also by helping facilitate. I just have to figure out where this ME-ME-ME stuff is coming from? After the meeting I went to get a chicken sandwich at Chick-Fil-A mainly to get Johnnie his dinner for the evening, but also to get me some more food since I only had one slice of pizza at the HIT Meeting. That and I still stopped at 7-11 to pick up a couple of mini-tacos. And then there was still some food at the FRB from another meeting this morning. I should have brought home some of the rice.
Anyway I went home early again. I picked up Johnnie. The thing was that I did so much walking this morning going to the meeting and coming right back that I was ALREADY at 9000 steps by the time I picked him up from school. I got him his chicken dinner and then readied for the Lisa hand-off. I remembered that Lisa doesn't have a phone, but then again I had her replacement phone that I ordered for her from Google since her old one was covered under device protection. I called her office number, called her at home, sent her texts, sent her email. Finally the email was responded to. She told me she would be coming around 7:35. That was ok actually, but somehow I got irritated that she hadn't responded to the earlier attempts at communication. What was I expecting? The interaction with Lisa during the hand-off did not go well. That's because I was still irritated when she finally came by. We had to wait outside for a full 5 minutes! In restrospect I don't know why I needed to be irritated. Why I was so impatient. Later on when I thought more about it it came to me. Once again as typical of our past relationship, I would be thinking about how to help her and then I had some expectation that she would be as thoughtful and considerate. Just like I have to project that everyone should be as thoughtful and as considerate as I am, as if I'm always that way. This is an expectation, which of course, Lisa does not usually meet because she is usually thinking of herself. Tonight I brought her replacement phone and I was emotionally invested in getting it to her TONIGHT. As soon as possible. She asked me how much I owed her and I told her $79 but that the full cost of the phone was put on her credit card as a hold until she returned the phone. She made some comment/question about how I didn't trust her? I snapped back that it wasn't about trust. This was her phone. I don't want any of it on my credit card because I didn't even want to think about it. It wasn't about getting paid back. I wanted to be clear of any energy related to it. Something of course she could not possibly realize. And so the second I loaded Johnnie in the car, I closed the car door and I walked off. No goodbye no nothing. I guess I was not in a good state to begin with. Gee ya think? But I can forgive myself for all of that now. And I can ask for forgiveness too. Silently anyway. I spent the rest of the evening watching Picard S01E06. And watching post game stuff from another Lakers win and a very surprising UCLA win against Arizona State to get a tie for first in the Pac-12 standings. Wow. But all nothing but distractions really. I will have to deal with my ego being out-of-control I know that. I'm looking forward to that...
In order to let the past go, you must forgive yourself officially.
Feel
the embarrassment or shame or guilt one final time. Really feel it throughout
your body. Next, tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes and you know
you that that outcome was not your intention. It was an accident.
Finally, make the decision to forgive yourself and do it. It helps to
even say it out loud.
From now on, it's OK. You are forgiven.
Every
time the thought comes back, simply remind yourself that you have
already been forgiven, so there's no reason to feel bad anymore. Then
push the thought away.
I hadn't gotten a meeting notice with my boss in many months. She's pretty much left me alone all this time, and for a while, which I appreciate. Which was why I was plenty surprised when I got one today. She had a list of stuff to talk about. None of stuff she asked for on her list were so tough that they couldn't be done in the next couple of weeks, or at least I'd be able to get a plan together for them. Still, I got an immediate negative reaction from myself. It reminded me of the time Johnnie and i were coming back from the San Diego Zoo last year and she wanted to meet about Sharepoint. I felt the same negative reaction then, almost like a panic. It was a fear that started in my gut and almost gave me goosebumps. Wow. What was that all about?! Am I getting fired? [Why am I thinking that?] That would be GUILT obviously. That I think my job is on the line when my boss had given zero indication that it was really is just a whole bunch of INSECURITY on my part. I reminded myself that last year, we ended up meeting about Sharepoint and I was worried about nothing. Like this time I'm pretty sure. Just my ego and my faulty past programming doing its thing. And it's something I have to work on. NOTICE and CORRECT. That is the next step here.
As far as the rest of the day, there was the rant-fest that was the Director's Meeting in the morning. I don't think it was all that productive to be honest, other than we did manage to vent. Sometimes we just have to let each other know we're doing the best job that we can. Anyway that was sort of a momentum-creator for me doing work for the rest of the day actually. It sort of put me in the mood. But really, this being a Thursday and all, I was more focused on later on tonight, which would be hand-off night. When I picked Johnnie up at STAR, he was doing a word puzzle. Sometimes I think they learn as much at STAR than regular school LOL, which is a very good thing. On the way home we detoured to McDonald's and I picked him up a Happy Meal for his dinner. Hey he hadn't eaten one of those things in a while, I figured no harm in a little break in the routine. And then we went home and we did some subtraction exercises. I think he is well ahead of his peers. Anyway it isn't a competition at his age. He learns fast that much I'm sure and that is plenty good enough. I wanted to give him some sort of reward so when he asked to watch Frozen 2. Yet again, how could I refuse? Tonight I knew Lisa would come early and she called at 6 PM which meant Johnnie was only going to be able to watch just about a half hour of the movie. It was plenty good enough for him. By the time Lisa got there to pick him up it was barely 6:30 PM. Much as I would have loved to just hand him over really to save myself some emotional residue more than anything, it was Lisa that always wanted to talk. I had no interest in whatever she wanted to talk about actually but I also reminded myself the lesson there is to be nice about it anyway. Furthermore, I reminded myself that what you don't like about another person is that which you don't like about yourself anyway. Could that be? Could I be that yakky-downloader at times? Perhaps. Again what I needed was to practice is COMPASSION. I listened until she was ready to go and then I finished my 11,000 steps. It was still only 9 PM when I got done. I could have gone to bed early like I usually do when Johnnie stays with me. But I just kept on watching YouTube videos and before I knew it it was already almost midnight. Ahhh! How did that happen? Oh well...
So this morning, while in the shower I get a nice little trip back in time to all those times when I "failed" at trying to start something entrepreneurial for myself. OK failed may be a bit harsh. But for sure I didn't get the outcomes I wanted. I tried real estate all the way back in the 80s with Karl and Resur, trash bin surfing for copies of the MLS LOL. Funny thing was that an unconventional no-money down wraparound contract that we offered was actually accepted. But by the time it did I was already on my way to Michigan to start my real job at EDS. I mean we didn't even have a deposit or anything on the offer LOL. That was a good 35 years ago! That's how long I've been wanting to do something on my own. And then of course I picked up where I left off in the late 80s with real estate again and with Rudy Bonnin this time. Actually did buy a house in Hacienda Heights that we had to assign to someone else because we didn't actually have the money to buy it. We did find someone who did though. Unfortunately we could not sustain that and then I ended up starting the Tony Robbins stuff, getting deep into credit card debt because I didn't want to work anymore or get a job. I wanted to make money with real estate. But never during that time did I try to focus on what I SHOULD have been doing. And then I went through the period of time where I didn't have money at all, no income no nothing. And I had to go back to the "security" of the only thing I knew - a job. And that was with Cedars-Sinai. And then from that point on, I turned that into the career I have today 25 years later. I did try to do the Amway thing in the middle of all that with Resur. But that was his idea. And then when I met Lisa and she graduated from dental school I got let go by USC. And I tried to give trading for money a go. But I was just dabbling at it. I was far more interested in getting together with Lisa. And so when an opportunity came to get another job, this time with USC Stevens, I went back to that old "security" again. Until I got laid off and here I am. Man does time fly doesn't it? And now I want to give the working-for-myself thing another go. I think I need to clear out all the reasons why whatever I've done so far has not worked, or at least not been sustainable. That was what I was thinking about this morning in the shower. As I dried up, I concluded with this thought. It is NEVER too late. And I owe it to myself to give it another shot. And that with all these "failures" there were also SUCCESSES, it was just that I treated them like ego-strokes at the time, and did not sustain effort well enough to have more. I can do that NOW can't I?
I started the day watching this video from Teal Swan. The subject: What Our Parents Did Right. I believe this is a message sent to me by the Universe because I have been focused on my past, my childhood, my relationship with my primary caregivers from the ages of 0-7 [which were my parents... I think] in order to find and remove those parts of me, those programs that no longer support what I want now. The exercise: List the good your parents did.
Work Ethic. My dad worked with the primary purpose of raising his family and providing a roof over their heads and food on the table.
Against what I perceived to be his true personality and true nature, my dad pulled up roots and started all over as an immigrant in the US. For that alone my life couldn't have turned out any more different.
My mom grew up sort of as the pampered only child and still came to the US and embraced being a working mom without the help that she was used to having in the Philippines.
[From Psycho-Cybernetics: Remove layers, smokescreens, filters, other people's programs so you can project your TRUE INTENT. Identify erroneous and restrictive programming embedded in your self-image and systematically ALTER IT to better suit your purposes.]
This inner work is necessary but as you grow and evolve, it becomes not your parents but the parent in you. [2nd Teal Swan video]
FRACTALS
Second video I watched was a rather detailed scientific explanation from Gregg Braden [the kind that resonates with me hugely] on fractal patterns like the Koch snowflake and the Fibonacci sequence to explain nature and as such, might explain why we are actually in a holographic simulation. The Koch snowflake has finite area, but an infinite perimeter. To me that explains that within our "holograph" with an infinite perimeter, there are infinite possibilites. And that the recursive program can be changed. You change the variable, you change the results of the equation. How do you do that? You change your focus. THAT is the variable. Hmmm...
