The Learning Lesson With Johnnie

It all started when out of nowhere, Johnnie kicked me in the ankle. We were waiting for the elevator and he caught me off guard. And at that moment, I blew up. I remembered that moment when he supposedly bit Cyrus at the STAR camp and it brought me back to that day when his mom told me all about it looking to get some kind of outcome.  Today I got angry. And I made him stand against the wall as punishment. And although he said he was sorry I was NOT satisfied he was taking me seriously. And so I smacked him upside the head. So hard he started to cry of course. Why did I do that? I lost control. Did that really make him feel like he would not do it again? I doubt it. The deepest darkest part of me came out. And it felt like that night in January 2017 with Lisa that eventually broke us up I think. We were never the same after that. She moved out of the bedroom  because she thought I choked her. Really she hit me and I just grabbed her collar and told her never to do that again. A moment of anger. Just like this one. And it cost us both. Today, I knew right after I did it that I was in the wrong. And I sat Johnnie down and made sure I did damage control. He did not need to get hit. Nothing he could have done deserved that. I was the angry moron.  And i realize now I need to do what I can so that NEVER EVER happens again. 

I am so sorry Johnnie. Please Forgive me. I love you Thank you.
I am so sorry Johnnie. Please Forgive me. I love you Thank you.
I am so sorry Johnnie. Please Forgive me. I love you Thank you. 
I am so sorry Johnnie. Please Forgive me. I love you Thank you.

Shame On Me

How did I manage to make my sweet little Johnnie cry? Because I have to acknowledge my dark side which is the side that can be a real ASSHOLE sometimes. We were doing his lessons and I simply lost patience with his writing and how he was reversing everything. I yelled at him. So loud he started to cry. WHY DID I DO THAT? He is a very smart little boy. More intelligent than anyone I know. And I yelled at him like he didn't know anything. I am SO disappointed... in myself. He's 5 years old for God's sake. This is where I need to learn patience and acknowledging that maybe my expectations of people are way out of whack. If I was me watching how I treated Johnnie I might have just strangled that idiot who was yelling at my kid! I am sooo sorry. I hugged him and hugged him until he stopped crying. Told him it was daddy that was wrong. And how sorry I was. This is EXACTLY the kind of negative programming I do not with to expose Johnnie to and here I am I AM THE PERPETRATOR. Turns out I'm worse than any virus. I have to learn and grow from this. I INTEND TO BE PATIENT AND MORE LOVING WITH HIM FROM NOW ON. 

AND NOW I HAVE AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT NOT TO BE.