It all started when out of nowhere, Johnnie kicked me in the ankle. We were waiting for the elevator and he caught me off guard. And at that moment, I blew up. I remembered that moment when he supposedly bit Cyrus at the STAR camp and it brought me back to that day when his mom told me all about it looking to get some kind of outcome. Today I got angry. And I made him stand against the wall as punishment. And although he said he was sorry I was NOT satisfied he was taking me seriously. And so I smacked him upside the head. So hard he started to cry of course. Why did I do that? I lost control. Did that really make him feel like he would not do it again? I doubt it. The deepest darkest part of me came out. And it felt like that night in January 2017 with Lisa that eventually broke us up I think. We were never the same after that. She moved out of the bedroom because she thought I choked her. Really she hit me and I just grabbed her collar and told her never to do that again. A moment of anger. Just like this one. And it cost us both. Today, I knew right after I did it that I was in the wrong. And I sat Johnnie down and made sure I did damage control. He did not need to get hit. Nothing he could have done deserved that. I was the angry moron. And i realize now I need to do what I can so that NEVER EVER happens again.
I am so sorry Johnnie. Please Forgive me. I love you Thank you. I am so sorry Johnnie. Please Forgive me. I love you Thank you. I am so sorry Johnnie. Please Forgive me. I love you Thank you. I am so sorry Johnnie. Please Forgive me. I love you Thank you.
Today being Tuesday it was back to Johnnie classroom mode. Too bad I forgot about where his first class was supposed to be, hence we missed it entirely. Fortunately, it was just for Library and getting books read. So I don't think Johnnie was missed. AND we made it to his Social Studies class at 9:30 anyway. But really today was some parts about me. Somehow I got a sense that I was back to reactive mode, which means that I've been giving in to negative thoughts. I got a sense of this because I wanted to explore what it was that was giving me feelings of anxiety in the morning. Some of it was about work to be sure, which was why I did affirmations on providing massive value yesterday. But I think that some of it is also just thoughts trying to fill a vacuum. In other words, with the absence of something positive, the negative sometimes wins out. And so I wanted to be sure to watch my state today and to focus on trying to keep in a high vibration as much as possible. Not very easy considering that half the time when I am in Johnnie class mode, I find myself reacting and basically trying to control what Johnnie does instead of simply letting him learn on his own and in his own time. The child is in kindergarten for God's sake. And he is bright, and engaged, and willing to be curious. Who cares what people think in the here and now. I need to be sure his creativity, his sense of wonderment, his curiosity and his problem-solving skills are cultivated. There is absolutely no need to lose patience, and definitely when he makes mistakes. He simply needs to learn the right way and fix his mistakes. Already he is prone to his mom's tendency for perfection and dramatics. "It's a disaster!" is a common comment coming out of him when he makes mistakes. And I'm sure my disapproving looks can't possibly help. Which is what made his swimming lesson today all the more important.
So Stacy forgot to bring his goggles with her and right from the get-go this made Johnnie very uncomfortable. He did not want to go underwater and when he brought his head up, he would immediately forcefully try to wipe the water from his face. So much so his face started to turn red from being scratched inside of 5 minutes. And we had to talk to him every single time to not wipe his face. It was clearly bothering him. And so he didn't have a very good lesson at all. It seemed like he reverted back to his old, very fearful self. I think I underestimated his very strong fear of not being able to see underwater. After 45 minutes I had had enough of watching him almost cry every time he did a stroke. And so we stopped today's lesson 5 minutes early but really just so he could get going with his computer class. But I had every intention of coming right back to the pool to fix this. Which was exactly what we did. But first I had to remind myself that i am a loving parent and that I have the best interests of my child and such interests do not include terrorizing him. I need to find a way to make him feel like he is safe. And so after his computer class, we went to the small pool in my building. yep, the small spa. It was only about 3 feet deep. Not deep at all, but deep enough where I could get him to practice being underwater and trying to look around with his eyes open. Besides, the water was warm and so he would not be able to complain about being cold, even though it was almost 90 degrees hot in mid-afternoon. I posted the video of me tossing an object in the pool and making him find it. That's the thing... I needed to make it a game. That's how Johnnie engages and learns. And you know what? After a couple of times I actually got him to feel comfortable doing that. Enough to get him to do the backstroke too and get the motion of pushing off and easing into the water like it was a mattress. After about 20 minutes, we went back to the big pool in the next building. The result? I posted the video above. He did the backstroke fairly effortlessly in the deepest part of the pool, all the way across and without me even being in the water. I'd say we managed to overcome today's uneven lesson. And he didn't have goggle the whole time. I patted myself on the back too. I was patient, I didn't raise my voice once and was a reassuring parent. THAT is how we do it. That is what I will remember about today.
Ahh Fall. We think of autumn leaves, starting to get a touch colder, Johnnie's birthday, pumpkin carvings and his favorite season Halloween! Alas no-go on that last part since LA County has basically outlawed Halloween. sigh. No trick or treating for Johnnie this year I guess. But at least we can probably still carve out a pumpkin, just like we did last year. This morning I was feeling a wave of anxiety actually and I wasn't really sure where it was coming from. I'm hoping it's simply because it's back to home-schooling-Johnnie mode for me, and he has a FULL day today too, even after his last class. He's got swimming class and then that computer class from LAUSD at 3 PM. It's such a full day that I'm just going to put up pictures from the day.
Here is Johnnie starting his schedule of classes at 9 AM. The thing about the classes this morning is that I had a real problem with it. I had a real problem... with ME. Maybe it was that bout of anxiety first thing but I sure didn't seem like I had a lot of patience all day today and especially this morning. And I was losing it just watching Johnnie. Every time he got distracted and either fell off his seat or dropped his markers or did anything other than simply staring at the screen I felt myself get tense. Imagine that. I GOT TENSE! Man, am I anxious or what?! Worse was that I took it out on Johnnie. I gave him angry looks every single time he did something and now that I think about it, nothing he did was really out of the ordinary. At least nothing he wouldn't do if he were already in class in person. What the heck crawled up MY ASS?! And why did I take it out on Johnnie? I lost my patience so bad that even when we were doing his homework just the 2 of us, I yelled at him for playing too much. Of COURSE he ended up crying. Because I bullied him that's why. I am so ashamed for me. Fortunately for me, the sight of Johnnie crying just snaps me out of that asshole funk I was in and I became his comforting dad again. I didn't recover fully either. I know this because during his last class I was still annoyed when I saw him get distracted. And it was all about him not listening well. And I got on him for that. Perhaps a little too much. So this time, the lessons were for me.
Next up in the afternoon was swimming class. and there he did well I thought.
In the meantime I was "working from home" in the pool :)
The good thing was that despite my control issues today, Johnnie still simply wanted to hang out with me and told me so. He just felt sad when I was mad at him. I did ask him to forgive me at the end of the day and he and i were back to our goofy selves. I NEVER want to take that away from him. And it is ME that I still need to work on MY patience.
So Lisa had to work today, her first Saturday back since her vacation. And so I get Johnnie for the day anyway. This would mean that I would have had Johnnie by myself for an entire week! That's the longest he has ever been with me alone since, well, since he was born! But I don't get to hand him back just yet until tonight. Today we still get to do our breakfast ritual... at Elysee. And then after that a shopping run at Target. Of course we can't walk in there without running into some toy that captures Johnnie's attention. And today I actually bought one for him. It's play-doh dinosaurs. I bought it knowing full well that he would get his clothes a little full of play-doh. I did that knowing that in the back of my head I'm trying to slowly (or not) get Johnnie into routine. After all, he has to go back to school on Monday too and go back to THAT routine. At least with a new toy I got to divert his attention for a bit. I mean look at him playing with it in the pic I posted. It took all of 3 minutes for him to get play-doh all over his pants. And then I remind myself the one thing I did take away from Blue Oak: "if he's dirty and needing to get his clothes laundered, it meant he had a good time." And in almost a blink of an eye it was already time to go to lunch. Of course I wanted to stick to Saturday routine and go to Panda Express Westwood. I saw my ego-self bristle at the atrocious parking efforts of a few of the patrons in there. I heard myself think about how inconsiderate they are. And then I reminded myself about the parable of the boat and the monk. Irritation and anger was already in me just waiting to get released. And all I needed to do was to simply raise my vibration. I did this by simply observing how Johnnie was munching at the teriyaki chicken with gusto. And then the chocolate chip cookie right after that. He was happy as a bug. And there was no reason why I shouldn't have been either. After all, it's the last day of the week we've spent together just he and I. I should savor EVERYTHING. He didn't feel like taking a nap after that big lunch either. I figured I'd let him stay up because he wouldn't be taking any more naps in the afternoon after tomorrow. And I got a chance to be present with him just one more time. This happened while he was playing AND watching a Magic School Bus video. He was climbing all over me trying to get my attention and I watched myself get irritated because I was trying to put together a clip and start catching up on my journal. I was already at least 4 days behind. And I snapped at him. And of course he cried. But he didn't blame me. In fact, what he brought up was that he didn't understand why it took 20 days for his mom's house to be fixed. I watched myself initially react by blaming Lisa. Until I realized after a minute that I needed NOT to blame anyone. Johnnie was trying to show me HIS reality right now, which was that he was confused a little about his mommy's house. But in the end I also knew that he needed to go home. And THAT was home too. I hugged him and told him mommy really needed to fix the house but that it was almost done. In fact, it would be done this weekend and that he was going to be sleeping there anyway tonight. I mopped up his alligator tears, hugged him as tightly as I could and then asked him if he'd watch the movie FROZEN again with me. Something about that movie he had gotten attached to and I have a feeling it was something he got to do with Lisa. She really needs to pay attention how much this kid is attached to her. I have no question that he loves me too. He tells me all the time. But I acknowledge that his bond with his mommy is very very special and short of telling her she needs to stop fucking around with her house, I wanted to make sure she knew he missed being at her house too. I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening finishing laundry and packing him up. And of course we had to have dinner right? I made me a steak, made him some teriyaki chicken that he didn't eat, made him some chicken noodle penne that he did. Just your usual Saturday night. And then by 6:30 PM we got the call from Lisa that she was indeed ready for him to come home. Workers were apparently moving furniture back into the house as we spoke which was a good thing. She will have tomorrow to fix everything. In a way it was also a bit of a final processing from OUR move from Lindbrook. This way she gets to do everything she wants and I didn't need to get involved. All I had to do was to drop Johnnie off. I felt a deep sense of gratitude that she let me have Johnnie for an entire week. We may not have done much at all really considering the timeframe, but I thought we bonded anyway. The most important thing was that he spent time with ME. It didn't really matter what we did. I was present. And I was glad. And so I dropped him off and went home and for once it was quiet in the apartment. Dirty from all of Johnnie's stuff. But no need to put them all away just yet. It's ok to just sit back and savor. And maybe stay up late again LOL...
I started the day watching this video from Teal Swan. The subject: What Our Parents Did Right. I believe this is a message sent to me by the Universe because I have been focused on my past, my childhood, my relationship with my primary caregivers from the ages of 0-7 [which were my parents... I think] in order to find and remove those parts of me, those programs that no longer support what I want now. The exercise: List the good your parents did. Work Ethic. My dad worked with the primary purpose of raising his family and providing a roof over their heads and food on the table. Against what I perceived to be his true personality and true nature, my dad pulled up roots and started all over as an immigrant in the US. For that alone my life couldn't have turned out any more different. My mom grew up sort of as the pampered only child and still came to the US and embraced being a working mom without the help that she was used to having in the Philippines. [From Psycho-Cybernetics: Remove layers, smokescreens, filters, other people's programs so you can project your TRUE INTENT. Identify erroneous and restrictive programming embedded in your self-image and systematically ALTER IT to better suit your purposes.] This inner work is necessary but as you grow and evolve, it becomes not your parents but the parent in you. [2nd Teal Swan video] FRACTALS Second video I watched was a rather detailed scientific explanation from Gregg Braden [the kind that resonates with me hugely] on fractal patterns like the Koch snowflake and the Fibonacci sequence to explain nature and as such, might explain why we are actually in a holographic simulation. The Koch snowflake has finite area, but an infinite perimeter. To me that explains that within our "holograph" with an infinite perimeter, there are infinite possibilites. And that the recursive program can be changed. You change the variable, you change the results of the equation. How do you do that? You change your focus. THAT is the variable. Hmmm...
