Still Crying

I had about 3 hours of sleep last night. I couldn't take my eyes off the TV and when I finally did it was well past 3 AM. And wherever I looked, there was grief. NBA players crying while playing games. Doc Rivers crying while giving an interview. Jerry West in tears on TV. And these weren't even the people he was closest to. For now there were Instagram posts. From Shaq. From LeBron. You can only imagine what it's going to be like when you hear from them in person. Heck he was even memorialized at the Grammy Awards last night, which was held in the house that Kobe built. Already a slew of people have started to build small memorials at LA Live. And so there could be no getting away from this. And I had to deal with my own grief. Not just because other people were grieving. I had to admit: I was grieving too. The closest thing to what this felt like was the day Michael Jackson died. We drove to UCLA and heard MJ playing in every car practically. But this was different. Yes Michael Jackson was a universal celebrity. As was Kobe. I'm already reading about how reaction was like in the PHILIPPINES for crying out loud. I guess this affected me personally because I was starting to get accustomed to his latest role. Which was simply: a dad. And so I obviously related to that one. And no bigger reminder when I got a call from Mar Vista asking me to pick up Johnnie. I guess he was feeling sick today. I was disappointed at that one. He was supposed to be in a how tonight. The kids were supposedly practicing for weeks. I was looking forward to seeing him on stage. I was looking forward to being his dad. And now I guess he's too sick to perform as Lisa went to go pick him up. But that was ok. I admit that I was skeptical that he was even sick. I thought maybe he simply didn't feel like performing or maybe was feeling anxious. But Lisa reminded me that he needed the benefit of a doubt and that was good enough for me. In the meantime I kept a real low profile at work. I was obviously tired from not having slept much last night. And my eyes were still red and puffy I'm sure from all the crying. And I still just couldn't keep away from the internet. Which meant even MORE shares from people who were grieving.  It's amazing to see Kobe's reach actually. People I didn't know were close to him. Kyrie Irving considered him his mentor and called in sick altogether for his game. Simply couldn't play. Spencer Dinwiddie of the Brooklyn Nets a so-cal kid was in tears and talked about being mentored by him. I didn't even know he was a local kid. Obviously D-Wade, Melo, and CP3. DeMar deRozan said he wouldn't have a career if not for Kobe. Me? It affected me because Kobe brought 20 years of joy watching him resurrect the Showtime Lakers. First with Shaq in the early 2000s. and then again 8 years later. That was before the Lisa relationship obviously and so I was heavily emotionally invested in the Lakers. Like Magic, he represented LA. He was OUR son. Our hero. Our idol. And then he transcended that and belonged to the world. Look I'm not going to explain why I feel a connection to Kobe and the Lakers other than sports and entertainment become our escape no matter what is happening in the world outside. And it sure did bond LA as a city. The Lakers were a constant no matter what. And Kobe was OUR connection to each other. I may not know you, but I'll high five you no questions asked if you're wearing a Kobe jersey. And so when he retired he was going to go on and do other magical things. But starting with being a dad. And that is what breaks my heart the most. He died doing the thing he loved the most. Being a dad. Oh how i relate to that one. And now he's gone...
I went home and snapped into hand-off mode. That meant doing my steps, getting from 3000 to 8000 when I got home. Nope I didn't finish 11,000. I didn't do any walking during the day in the office. And I was tired coming home. I simply just wanted to catch up on sleep. I did get to 10,000 and that would do for today. Heck I had thought of quitting at 6000. But I couldn't thank God. I thought about Kobe. He outworked everybody and pushed himself.  Damned if I couldn't push myself too. And actually it did manage to ease the pain some. I went to Lisa's house and Johnnie was asleep on the couch. He still had a fever. I did know that whatever happened between when I saw him last which was last night and at that moment, i could undo it and make him better.  I took him home and did some energy work on him. And wouldn't you know he would wake up 10 minutes later asking for water. I do think he's sick. But I think he'll be ok. We skipped tonight's shower. I needed to catch up on sleep too. But there's no doubt about it, I'm still feeling sad. I'm still grieving.