"The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be. Otherwise you will be forced to relive the past again and again. Eckhart Tolle" I was just thinking about that little blip of an event at Johnnie's birthday last Sunday where Lisa was bugging so much about how to do the pinata rope that I just simply gave it to her to do herself. Control stuff. Old stuff. Came up again today when Lisa called re: picking up Johnnie. She had to bug about our joint account running out of money. How does financial stuff between us continue to be a lighted dynamite stick. One or both of us usually tend to go off. I can never understand how her mind solves problems. The solution was simple. Put money in the account. Lisa tends to dwell on the when and the how much and the minutae of all that and it still drives me nuts. But really I knew there was more to it and it had more to do with me because I was able to remind myself that everyone is ME pushed out. And I'm doing the pushing. I reminded myself that everything is the Law of Attraction at work. Upon further reflection, I became aware that that financial "discussion" <I decline to say argument> that Lisa and I had this evening was merely the Universe trying to tell me there are parts of me I need to clear in order to experience the abundance that I seek. After all, how can I attract millions if I am focused on losing a few hundred dollars. I took a walk and realized that I had negative energy towards finances, even if it is just within the context of dealing with Lisa. I realized that she will never feel wealthy enough where her mindset is. And neither will I if I don't clear these negative thoughtforms. And therein lies the work isn't it? Work to do...
Ahh it's Wednesday and for most people, it's Hump Day. But for me, it IS the last day of the work week. The FINISH LINE since I get the next couple of days off. But I'm not off yet and this morning, I woke up DETERMINED not to let negative energies undermine how I deal with Johnnie today. And so we started the day with the usual breakfast and then both Dad and Johnnie hunkered down in front of Zoom. Kind of the new normal such as it were isn't it? Johnnie doing his Kindergarten class meeting and then Art class after that, me doing a webinar on Office 365 security. Just another work day for dad and son :) His session was far more interesting, mainly because he got to work with watercolors for the first time. And he got REALLY into it. Always a good thing when you see your child learning and creating something, even his interpretation of water lillies. His painting may not be like Monet, but who's to say really? LOL. My favorite thing about today really was that I held on to my energy keys. What does that mean? That meant being aware when I let negative energy sneak in, to be aware of where does energies were coming from, and to remind myself that it has nothing to do with what is really happening in the moment. In other words, nothing bad is really happening, but it is my ego mind that is creating something based on the feelings I allow. Yesterday I really did a poor job of managing my emotions, particularly with regards to dealing with Johnnie. My CONTROL FREAK self took over, and somehow the caring dad wasn't so caring for pretty much the majority of the day. Which is what was disappointing to me. I was disappointed in myself and I wanted to make sure that control freak wasn't the dominant dog today. I fed that dog I know that now and so today I made sure to feed the other one instead. The CARING DAD one. And for at least through the morning, that guy was present. And it felt good. It felt good helping Johnnie with his art work and making sure he knew he did a good job. It felt good going to the store to pick up chicken noodle soup for his lunch and then eating the chicken so he would have nothing but noodles left LOL. And he lapped it up too. And then it felt good making myself my turkey wrap for MY lunch.
I woke up early this morning and in that half-asleep state thought it was a good time to meditate and commune with my Higher Self. I focused on merely connecting and asking my Higher Self to identify the parts of me that was afraid or felt "not enough". I asked that part of me why it was difficult to let go. Immediately the answer came and very audibly and loudly. Johnnie who was sleeping soundly next to me, blurted out "SCARED". Wow. I did get an answer. My ego-self was scared and was trying to get my attention. I had to mentally and emotionally give it a hug, thank it for it's efforts, but also asked it to let go and that we're all good. I focused on more positive thoughtforms. THE UNIVERSE HAS MY BACK ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. I AM ENOUGH. MORE THAN ENOUGH. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. What a profound meditation it turned out to be!
Today is Friday and normally on a Friday work is not really even a priority even when I was going to work. The last few Fridays this has not been the case at all because of all the urgency surrounding getting everyone prepared for remote work and actually supporting staff that is doing remote work after that. And then all these initiatives are coming out faster than you can even think up solutions. Telehealth. A surge of patients we're preparing for. Getting infrastructure ready. But this morning there was not the urgency that was around the last few Fridays. And with no Johnnie around I could actually go back to having a leisurely Friday morning... at least before having to meet with anyone at work. I ruefully remember Friday mornings at the FRB cafeteria getting a different than usual breakfast and then enjoying the downtown LA view from the patio. Although I do remember that fondly, I would in fact give that up just so I can work from home always. And this morning I actually spent time doing some internal work. First I gave thanks that it is payday today and I got a paycheck like usual. Something I reminded my team of when i did my morning huddle. That we were not a part of the millions of people filing for unemployment just this past week. That we weren't a part of the group of people that are still waiting on paying their rent or mortgages. [I give thanks that money and abundance continue to flow to me and through me] And then the lessons that I focused on today involved a reality check. Everyone and everything is what we push out. This from a Youtube video from Amy Westmoreland and Amanda from Create Your Future. The gist of the lesson is that we actually control what other people think. We write the script. And so if that means everybody is just a bunch of actors in a play we write and direct, that they are stuffed dolls waiting for their lines to come from us... well that is in fact what is happening. Everyone we encounter is playing a role we assigned to them based on our assumptions, beliefs, attitudes. It's just that we unconsciously fed them the lines based on our thinking that we are not even aware of, nor did we believe we were doing that. Before we come into our own self-awareness that is. And fully realized just how in control we really are of our own reality. That is profound. Wow so all that tension between Lisa and I all week is something I pushed out? Something I drew to myself? Her behavior was something I created? I am almost dumbfounded. And the fix is working on my awareness and intention? OK. You do that with a mental diet. And so part 2 about the Mental Diet from the Amanda channel. And it is really about Cleaning and Clearing yet again. Clearly I have a lot of that to do. And I have to do it every day. Like working out. Ok then...
And so this afternoon I went back to my "job" and interacting with my team. First I cooked up some nice salmon and made my own fried rice for lunch. Looks good in the pic doesn't it? Unfortunately my body ejected all that nice salmon. I think it wasn't all that good... probably because I let it sit in the fridge for a week. Serves me right for hoarding. Anyway we did a virtual first-Friday-of-the-month celebration on Zoom for the FRB team and I must say it actually went pretty well. We did a couple of games, I even won a couple of them. Anyway it kept the momentum of keeping us together as a team and I was actually even glad to see some of the Finance folks there. And then right after that came the afternoon huddle and Eloisa finally had the great sense to start it early so we could be done at 4:30 like we used to do before. Heck before I wouldn't even stay until 4:30 sometimes. Of course sometimes I'd stay much later... but only to have a pizza on 7th and Fig. Not anymore. And so Barbara concluded the afternoon meeting with "don't think about anything work related this weekend". I'm going to do just that Barbara. So tonight I have the usual Netflix and dinner night. The funny thing is that I realize that other than working from home during the day, the rest of my time is like it was before all the coronavirus stay-at-home social distancing stuff. And so what I did tonight, do my steps, make myself dinner <Bolognese Arnel style tonight since I've had that ground beef and mirepoix in my fridge for at least a week now too> and then watch Netflix is something I would have ordinarily done anyway. Tonight I watched Tales from the Loop on Netflix, which is somewhat of a modern version of the Twilight Zone but with more scientific implications and a definite bent towards space-time. Probably something I should look into right? Particularly since I'm letting my attention get pulled to whatever it needs to be pulled to these days. Anyway the episode where these 2 kids were able to switch bodies and then one of them refused to switch back was particularly distressing. And then the one where this girl was able to stop time and then spent time with the guy she liked... until they got into a conflict and they didn't like each other anymore. Gee. Kinda like marriage isn't it LOL LOL. The "problem" as always is that I tend to binge watch and when I do that, I go until the wee hours of the morning. Today I did that until well past 1 AM. Sigh. That's ok I guess. What do I have to do tomorrow?
Perhaps it was the "all-day" (relatively all-day anyway) contemplative stuff that I did yesterday that kept me in more of an "observer state" today. After all, it is Sunday, the first Sunday in Lent, it is the first day of March and a brand new month, and I'm teeing off at Eaton Canyon at 8:25 AM first thing. The last time we played here was the day Kobe Bryant died in the helicopter accident. And I also remember getting on in 2, somewhat incredulously on the first 2 holes. I should be able to do that again and then some. Right? Not so fast. Going back to the blog post from that day, it seemed like I was doing some visualization right before each shot. And reminding myself to relax and slow my swing down. That seemed to be the key. I was more deliberate. My swing had very good rhythm. Which, after the first tee shot on the first hole, I knew I did not have. I belted the thing so hard but it hit a tree on the left side and fell straight down 100 yards from the box. I was lucky even to get 100 yards. The lesson? It is what your most dominant visual, the most dominant thought(s) that controls what happens. But it IS your thoughts. If I'm not hitting the ball well, or consistently, my thoughts are consistently off the mark as well. In hindsight, I should have done more to slow myself down. But I didn't. And I played as if by random. And so my shots were as if by random. Some were good, some were bad, some were really bad. I should have chanelled Yoda: CONTROL. You must learn CONTROL. and by that he might your mind. Needless to say I did not have a good golf game today. The last time we played I almost played myself to a win. Today I won 2 holes, only 1 of them outright. And it felt lucky to win those 2 holes. I hit the ball well most of the time, but not accurately. Worse, a few times I either moved my ball to get a better lie or put it down where i wanted. Yep. I cheated. I was playing so badly I felt like I needed to just to keep up. Instead of working on my "work". Sigh. That's going to need some cleaning and clearing later on.
And then the biggest lesson of all came later after golf. After I had lunch [my usual salmon plate at Crimson], after I had taken a fairly long nap after that. Usually I'd get a call from Lisa to watch Johnnie while she played soccer this afternoon. I didn't get such a call today, which usually meant that she had either made other plans as in she wasn't playing soccer this afternoon [like last week for example], or someone else is watching him. Either way it IS her turn and she has the absolute right to do what she wished today. I reminded myself of that. When i see Johnnie on Sundays is at Lisa's discretion solely per our agreement. Still I'm not going to lie and say I wished she called today. And so when she didn't, that part of me that manufactures crap, the same part of me that manufactured tension between us at Thursday's hand-off, started to make up reasons for me to feel bad about this. Could Lisa be cutting me off to get even for last Thursday? I did some exercises to quiet my mind knowing full well it is now somewhat out of control. I went back to this week's lessons on LACK. All suffering comes from the EGO and thoughts of LACK. LACK of CERTAINTY [It's not safe], LACK OF SELF-LOVE [I'm not good enough, I don't deserve it..."love"]. And with that I also found this great video from Sandra Rolus on clearing blockages for money using specific breathing exercises. And for some reason it accessed more blocks and me aware of those. It was energy work. And it seemed to do something. At 5 PM I got a call from Lisa. She was on her way with Johnnie [asleep] to Joah's house for a dinner invite. And she told me she had had another full Lisa-type weekend that started Thursday night. Mel and Jacob had come over and spent the night through Saturday. THAT was why she was rushed herself last Thursday. It wasn't me. It wasn't us. Mel and Jacob were on their way over. And then this weekend, Elaine and Carmen and Tony came and visited too and hung out. No wonder I didn't hear from her today. It had nothing to do with me at all! Boy was I way WAY off. Perceptions can get you all knotted up sometimes for absolutely NO REASON WHATSOEVER. And with that all of a sudden i didn't feel bad anymore. Perhaps it's because those energy exercises allowed me to give myself permission not to feel bad. I went out and got shrimp pad thai for dinner, cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, and watched tonight's episode of the Walking Dead. A perfectly great Sunday evening. See what happens when you free yourself from suffering you yourself create? Hmmm. Like I said yesterday. Gotta keep cleaning and clearing every.single.day.
So today is one of my "Learning Saturdays" which means I have absolutely no plans and all I want to do is catch up on the many MANY things that I want to learn and do. More internal work for me today and judging from all the EGO traps I fell into just last night, I have much to learn. I posted a picture from my block in my neighborhood simply to symbolize the onward and upward energy I'm embracing. Today I want to tackle the question I had for myself: "Why are you so irritated with people? Not certain people although that happens too, but people in general?" Where is that anger coming from? I'm hoping to get an answer today. But first I let myself be drawn to whatever I'm drawn to on Youtube. And this morning that is a whole bunch of Brad Yates EFT tapping videos. I figured my Higher Self will lead me to whatever answers I need to get led to. I did at least 3 sessions before I even had breakfast: Tapping on Clearing anything that isn't Love Tapping on getting $2,800,000 [which really was Tapping for $1,000,000 but I put my own amount in there LOL] Tapping on Financial Abundance. I paid attention to whatever was coming up when I did the tapping because I was pretty sure there are still some blockages I need to clear out. I have come to realize that all this energy work... they are not one-offs. They need to be done consistently and daily, just like taking a shower or brushing your teeth and flossing on a daily basis. The grit and grind of everyday life tends to put muck in my energy and THAT is what I need to work on as well. To be more consistent in my daily practice and get clearing done. And so I did this work for more than an hour and then made myself some breakfast, and then took a break to watch more Mindhunters. I ended up binge watching the thing last night until the wee hours in the morning and I still hadn't finished all the episodes. I pretty much stayed in for the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon actually, foregoing the turkey sandwich trip to Bristol Farms Playa del Rey in favor of finishing up all the leftovers I had from the week. And then an early afternoon nap as well. By the time I looked up, most of the day was gone! Funny how time goes by so fast when you're not paying attention. Especially when you're not paying attention.
By 3 PM I decided to get on out and move my body. All the inner work from this morning had uncovered some of the reasons why I was experiencing stiffness all last week, which was merely stress held in many different places. Earlier in the week I had centered on LACK as the primary cause of the all this stress. FEAR-->INSECURITY-->LACK and I didn't deal with it well. THAT is the lesson isn't it. This afternoon I found some Wm Hof breathing exercises to help release stress in my body and that is something once again that I need to incorporate into my daily cleaning, clearing practice. I liked what the guy in the video did, incorporate a couple of techniques into something that works without actually giving it a name or label. Anyway I did manage to get out and get my steps in, especially since by 3 PM I had only gotten to 1000 steps. I remember thinking it might be a challenge to get all the way to 10,000, let alone 11,000 by this evening. But we'll see. What i ended up doing was doing a full-on grocery shopping run. The kind I usually would do with Johnnie on a Saturday morning, except I walked this time. And I got a chance to clear my head in the process. While walking home from Whole Foods it did finally come to me: I was angry at people because I am expressing anger I feel for MYSELF. I'm disappointed in them because I'm disappointed in MYSELF. And what I need to do is accept and forgive myself. I need to ACCEPT that I'm not perfect and that despite my claim to be so thoughtful and kind... I'm not always thoughtful and kind either. PEOPLE are not always thoughtful and kind and they're not perfect. But instead of judging them, I need to accept what is and I need to FORGIVE. I need to FORGIVE myself and I need to FORGIVE them. I need to adopt more of a "so-what" attitude. And more importantly, I need to keep reminding myself of this because this isn't something new. It's something I already know but keep forgetting. I need to practice. And practice. And practice. Just like golf LOL. And with that I deemed my work done for the day. I finished my grocery store run and I ended up grilling carne asada too for my Saturday night. It was pretty good. And then had porato salad and baked beans too. Mmmm. I capped my evening with a basketball double double. Lakers and UCLA. The fact that it is the end of February and almost March (tomorrow) and both are still in the thick of things most definitely is something to celebrate! The Lakers lost a game they didn't bring energy to. But hey they're still 5 games up in first place, something that hasn't been in the case in at least 6 years! And the Bruins? they beat Arizona to take sole possession of first place in the PAC-12!! They are probably going to March Madness! An amazing story for a season I had deemed long lost way back in January! It was a pretty good Learning Saturday today, and a nice way to end the month of February.
I hadn't gotten a meeting notice with my boss in many months. She's pretty much left me alone all this time, and for a while, which I appreciate. Which was why I was plenty surprised when I got one today. She had a list of stuff to talk about. None of stuff she asked for on her list were so tough that they couldn't be done in the next couple of weeks, or at least I'd be able to get a plan together for them. Still, I got an immediate negative reaction from myself. It reminded me of the time Johnnie and i were coming back from the San Diego Zoo last year and she wanted to meet about Sharepoint. I felt the same negative reaction then, almost like a panic. It was a fear that started in my gut and almost gave me goosebumps. Wow. What was that all about?! Am I getting fired? [Why am I thinking that?] That would be GUILT obviously. That I think my job is on the line when my boss had given zero indication that it was really is just a whole bunch of INSECURITY on my part. I reminded myself that last year, we ended up meeting about Sharepoint and I was worried about nothing. Like this time I'm pretty sure. Just my ego and my faulty past programming doing its thing. And it's something I have to work on. NOTICE and CORRECT. That is the next step here.
As far as the rest of the day, there was the rant-fest that was the Director's Meeting in the morning. I don't think it was all that productive to be honest, other than we did manage to vent. Sometimes we just have to let each other know we're doing the best job that we can. Anyway that was sort of a momentum-creator for me doing work for the rest of the day actually. It sort of put me in the mood. But really, this being a Thursday and all, I was more focused on later on tonight, which would be hand-off night. When I picked Johnnie up at STAR, he was doing a word puzzle. Sometimes I think they learn as much at STAR than regular school LOL, which is a very good thing. On the way home we detoured to McDonald's and I picked him up a Happy Meal for his dinner. Hey he hadn't eaten one of those things in a while, I figured no harm in a little break in the routine. And then we went home and we did some subtraction exercises. I think he is well ahead of his peers. Anyway it isn't a competition at his age. He learns fast that much I'm sure and that is plenty good enough. I wanted to give him some sort of reward so when he asked to watch Frozen 2. Yet again, how could I refuse? Tonight I knew Lisa would come early and she called at 6 PM which meant Johnnie was only going to be able to watch just about a half hour of the movie. It was plenty good enough for him. By the time Lisa got there to pick him up it was barely 6:30 PM. Much as I would have loved to just hand him over really to save myself some emotional residue more than anything, it was Lisa that always wanted to talk. I had no interest in whatever she wanted to talk about actually but I also reminded myself the lesson there is to be nice about it anyway. Furthermore, I reminded myself that what you don't like about another person is that which you don't like about yourself anyway. Could that be? Could I be that yakky-downloader at times? Perhaps. Again what I needed was to practice is COMPASSION. I listened until she was ready to go and then I finished my 11,000 steps. It was still only 9 PM when I got done. I could have gone to bed early like I usually do when Johnnie stays with me. But I just kept on watching YouTube videos and before I knew it it was already almost midnight. Ahhh! How did that happen? Oh well...
So this morning, while in the shower I get a nice little trip back in time to all those times when I "failed" at trying to start something entrepreneurial for myself. OK failed may be a bit harsh. But for sure I didn't get the outcomes I wanted. I tried real estate all the way back in the 80s with Karl and Resur, trash bin surfing for copies of the MLS LOL. Funny thing was that an unconventional no-money down wraparound contract that we offered was actually accepted. But by the time it did I was already on my way to Michigan to start my real job at EDS. I mean we didn't even have a deposit or anything on the offer LOL. That was a good 35 years ago! That's how long I've been wanting to do something on my own. And then of course I picked up where I left off in the late 80s with real estate again and with Rudy Bonnin this time. Actually did buy a house in Hacienda Heights that we had to assign to someone else because we didn't actually have the money to buy it. We did find someone who did though. Unfortunately we could not sustain that and then I ended up starting the Tony Robbins stuff, getting deep into credit card debt because I didn't want to work anymore or get a job. I wanted to make money with real estate. But never during that time did I try to focus on what I SHOULD have been doing. And then I went through the period of time where I didn't have money at all, no income no nothing. And I had to go back to the "security" of the only thing I knew - a job. And that was with Cedars-Sinai. And then from that point on, I turned that into the career I have today 25 years later. I did try to do the Amway thing in the middle of all that with Resur. But that was his idea. And then when I met Lisa and she graduated from dental school I got let go by USC. And I tried to give trading for money a go. But I was just dabbling at it. I was far more interested in getting together with Lisa. And so when an opportunity came to get another job, this time with USC Stevens, I went back to that old "security" again. Until I got laid off and here I am. Man does time fly doesn't it? And now I want to give the working-for-myself thing another go. I think I need to clear out all the reasons why whatever I've done so far has not worked, or at least not been sustainable. That was what I was thinking about this morning in the shower. As I dried up, I concluded with this thought. It is NEVER too late. And I owe it to myself to give it another shot. And that with all these "failures" there were also SUCCESSES, it was just that I treated them like ego-strokes at the time, and did not sustain effort well enough to have more. I can do that NOW can't I?
I started the day watching this video from Teal Swan. The subject: What Our Parents Did Right. I believe this is a message sent to me by the Universe because I have been focused on my past, my childhood, my relationship with my primary caregivers from the ages of 0-7 [which were my parents... I think] in order to find and remove those parts of me, those programs that no longer support what I want now. The exercise: List the good your parents did.
Work Ethic. My dad worked with the primary purpose of raising his family and providing a roof over their heads and food on the table.
Against what I perceived to be his true personality and true nature, my dad pulled up roots and started all over as an immigrant in the US. For that alone my life couldn't have turned out any more different.
My mom grew up sort of as the pampered only child and still came to the US and embraced being a working mom without the help that she was used to having in the Philippines.
[From Psycho-Cybernetics: Remove layers, smokescreens, filters, other people's programs so you can project your TRUE INTENT. Identify erroneous and restrictive programming embedded in your self-image and systematically ALTER IT to better suit your purposes.]
This inner work is necessary but as you grow and evolve, it becomes not your parents but the parent in you. [2nd Teal Swan video]
FRACTALS
Second video I watched was a rather detailed scientific explanation from Gregg Braden [the kind that resonates with me hugely] on fractal patterns like the Koch snowflake and the Fibonacci sequence to explain nature and as such, might explain why we are actually in a holographic simulation. The Koch snowflake has finite area, but an infinite perimeter. To me that explains that within our "holograph" with an infinite perimeter, there are infinite possibilites. And that the recursive program can be changed. You change the variable, you change the results of the equation. How do you do that? You change your focus. THAT is the variable. Hmmm...
