The Kaiju

Sometimes I wonder where Johnnie learns stuff. And then sometimes I know LOL. Today's new thing is kaiju. Yes that would be the Japanese word for giant beast, which I myself learned about in the movie Pacific Rim. Johnnie got introduced to the concept via EPIC books and the Wonder Family. They too were dealing with a kaiju problem. 2 Wonder Family books later, it's kaiju this and kaiju that. See, that's how it starts. And so i figured there wouldn't be any harm if I showed him the source movie. Yep, Johnnie and I watched Pacific Rim together. What's to worry about? Gigantic Japanese beasts tussling with equally gigantic robots piloted by 2 humans each, that can mentally drift... that is to be able to mind meld together. Harmless concept right? All I cared about was that it didn't scare him too much. I think we're ok there. But hey there was more things that happened today other than just learning about kaiju. Workwise for me there was the Leadership Summit. I used to enjoy these things when they were held at the FRB. The last time we had a virtual summit and it was just ok. Today, same thing.. it was a Zoom group meeting. And we had to do homework prior to as well. We had to do a personality strengths analysis. Funny though when I went to the website to do mine, it turned out I had already done it almost  1 1/2 years ago. Hmmm. I wonder what goaded me to do that?! Anyway that time, my biggest strength was kindness. And then Hope and then Humor. This time around when I took it, my top strength turned out to be Humor and then Leadership and then Hope. And then Kindness. Funny, maybe I was quite focused on kindness in 2019. After all, I had just started divorce proceedings and maybe I was focusing on my empathetic side. Today, I am focused a little more on being a leader. And helping people that way I think. Any way, today's Leadership summit was all about using your strengths to lead. I think I already have a handle on that in the workplace. Now how to figure out how to apply it outside of work as well. As in helping people find the best version of themselves. What a great purpose statement right? And so it was that I did the Leadership thing and soon as it was over, so was my day. Johnnie had been really, really patient that whole time although everyone saw him try to whisper something in my ear.

Anyway he had been trying to keep himself busy reading about kaiju and all. But I also reminded myself that he's all about doing things with me, same as he's all about doing things with Lisa when he's with her. THAT I think is why he's into roughhousing with me and hitting me and stuff. He simply wants to be close to me. I realized this when I showed a hint of disappointment at something he did. So inconsequential was it that I don't even remember what it was. But I remember that he said he wanted to go to his mom's house. Because he'd rather do that than see me disappointed in him. He actually said that. And my heart just dropped. THAT is an example of the very programming I did not wish him to pick up!!! And I did it. By focusing on disapproval instead of controlling my own state and getting him to do what i want him to do. He does much better with the carrot than the stick that's for sure. And at the end of it all, he'll do anything I say. Look at him doing the karate stuff off the trampoline. Just because I told him to. All the while when I was on the phone he kept checking in and showing me stuff. Showed me the turkey project he did for Ms Metz's Art class. Did drawings when I asked him to just to get him out of the way when I needed to do my meeting. And of course we had to do see-saw together. THAT is the key! All I have to do is tell him we get to do stuff together and he's all in! He doesn't even care what it is half the time. Which is why I ended up putting on the movie so we could watch it together. It was still pretty much the same old same old for a Wednesday. Class until 3 PM, Panda Express in Westwood for dinner. And this time I even ate dinner with him. See? I can learn too LOL. Anyway wasn't it just last week that he had the day off for Veteran's Day? I'm actually counting down because he and Lisa are on the way up to see Courtney in Los Gatos for the weekend and so I won't get to see him after tomorrow for a few days. And then comes Thanksgiving week. Who knows what Lisa has got planned?! Anyway that's next week. Today I felt good that Johnnie and I got to spend a nice day together pretty much even though I was on the phone half the day.  It was all good.

Staying Home

With the day off today and no Johnnie, I always get confused as to what to do. After all, you can't really go anywhere can you? I was almost going to spend my morning staying in line at the DMV to try to get a copy of my renewed driver's license which they never mailed out. Or I was racking my brain thinking of other errands I should be running. That's how I want to spend my day off? Running errands? I was almost out the door to grab a Starbucks breakfast before heading out to the DMV. But for some reason I had a different stirring. I figured that since it was already almost 9 AM, I thought I'd just make my own breakfast. Better to do that than to spend $8 at Starbucks right? And just to show you how THAT one decision changed my entire morning, what happened next was that I put some water on to boil for my tea and started to make myself an omelette. Spinach, onion and cheese was what I had in mind. Except that i saw the container of meatballs. OK, maybe I'll add one of those. Somehow or other I was heating something in the microwave and then it went bonkers. It wouldn't turn off. And so I tried to unplug it from its power source in the cupboard right over it. And in doing so, I knocked over a full jar of Prego spaghetti sauce. And the thing broke on the floor right at my feet, spaghetti sauce EVERYWHERE. There was such a huge mess I decided I'd eat my breakfast before I cleaned it up. So I made my omelette, made my tea and decided to find some peace while eating. After all, some degree of chaos must have been in my energy in order to affect this turn of events. Only when I finished eating did I start to clean up the Prego mess. And after I picked up every last piece of broken glass and mopped up every drop of pasta sauce I decided I wasn't going to line up at the DMV after all.  I decided it would be more beneficial to make sure whatever chaos and negative energy was on the surface of my attention was what I needed to clear. And that's what I needed to do with my day. And so I did.

The video I posted above was about finding your purpose in just a few minutes. And it entailed asking 5 questions: Who am I? What do I do? Who do I do it for? What do they want or need? How do they change as a result?. It sounds simple just to answer the questions. And when I answered them, here's what I get: I am Arnel. I solve problems with technology. I do it for the people who work in my company. They need help. I help them do their jobs. Sounds simple... until I realized it could be applied to much more than just my company. And I think there is where the problem is with me... In reflection, all those answers have a limited scope. My company, the work universe. How do I expect to help as many people as I can if I'm only thinking about my work life? And so I am going to make one adjustment. And that is to expand my audience. What if I tried to help everyone who needs help? And what if it was not just technology? I mean look at what Vishen Lakshani did with MindValley? So NOW how would my purpose statement sound like? I am Arnel. I help people by solving problems with technology and information. I do it for those that need information. With this information, people can be the best version of themselves. And so I help people be the best version of themselves. Now THAT's PURPOSE.

Lisa called in the afternoon asking for help watching Johnnie while she practiced piano since she now has a class on Monday. And pitched dinner. Of course I'm the one bringing the roasted chicken courtesy of Ralphs. She's making green beans.  Hey all I wanted to do was spend time with my Little Bug. And so I did. We all had dinner in the patio, which was nice for a late summer evening *or is it early fall?* Of course I had to wash dishes, just so Lisa could spend as much time as possible practicing.  She played the piano while Johnnie and I... well we watched more Jurassic Park Camp Cretacious. So simple with that kid. I figured Lisa would go more than an hour so I took it upon myself to do Johnnie's bedtime routine. Made him some hot chocolate and then gave him a bath. And so when Lisa finally got out of her room, more than 2 hours later, Johnnie was already bed ready.  And for a Friday night I was still able to go home, grab a couple of tacos from Taco Bell. Yep, I was still hungry after that dinner. And so I went home put my feet up and watched me some Netflix. Now I can have my typical Friday night. I didn't have an extraordinary vacation day off today. Pretty boring and I really didn't do anything different. But I didn't think about work. After all, I did discover that I need to expand my focus about that don't I. Now to work on the how...

Mid Week Busy-ness

So yesterday I was also told by Eloisa my boss that Emma our Director of Compliance is getting a promotion and that she is divesting some of her responsibilities. Which means I'm getting Data Analytics back. Lam and James coming home LOL. I remember the gut-punch like talk I got in December of 2018. I acted like I didn't care but when something is taken away from you, it is a perception that you're not getting the job done, or that people are not expecting you to get the job done. Here we are not even 2 years later and that team is back reporting to me. As I showed back then I talked like I didn't care. And this time, I really didn't. Whatever reason the C's have of moving things around I'm sure it had nothing to do with me. And I'm pretty sure it isn't going to affect the job I'm already doing. Hey I hired Lam. I know he's done well in the 2 years he's with us. He'll continue to do so. And so with that the pic I chose to post is me hanging out in the bbq area of my apartment, compared to years before in Hawaii. Yeah, I still look the same. So today is more of the same as I'm trying to get used to a new routine. Johnnie had art class this morning and so he was very much engrossed with the materials he was provided. I can only hope he doesn't paint over my white walls LOL. I did much better with lunch only because I talked Johnnie into getting some chicken McNuggets and then getting me a chicken sandwich for MY lunch. I reminded myself that for however many times Lisa and I would pack him a lunch, he barely ate it most of the time. 6 piece Mcnuggets is plenty... and better than yesterday's gnutella sandwich. Today I actually had work to do, but then again this was the week before Labor Day weekend, and even during the afternoon Huddle you can sense a collective indifference to the usual goings-on. It's like everyone was already packed and ready to go on the long weekend coming up. Which meant I wrapped up the meeting in 45 minutes. That would be TWO meetings this week that I facilitated that I moved along pretty damn quickly. And as soon as I got done with the meeting, Johnnie asked if we could go biking. We would have gone all the way to Panda Westwood if I suggested it. But we simply went to Maplewood Elementary and back, Johnnie on his bike and me on my scooter. It would have been great that by now, he would have been biking there and back home every day. Or taken his little scooter. I would have been picking him up from STAR right about the same time. Kind of strange to see the empty schoolyard. As it was dad and son merely enjoyed a very nice and pleasant summer afternoon even knowing that summer itself will officially end in just a couple of more weeks. It was another one of those moments I am filing away under the Summer of 2020. Bike and scooter afternoons. When we got home we immediately went to Panda Express to get our usual dinner. Same old same old, Ednah had my drink ready even before I ordered it. It felt like a routine Wednesday but it also felt a little different for me. Maybe it was my birthday yesterday that has me a little more sentimental, or maybe the thought that summer was fast coming to a close and I was still holding it close. I think it was just that I was in a generally positive space yesterday and for most of the day today that I was simply... GRATEFUL. And that is a very good place to be. And even as Johnnie flitted between watching Octonauts, doing his drawings, and generally looking for me to be with him while I was trying to do my aerobics-on-the-downlow, I did realize that it wasn't about getting anything accomplished, or getting work done that was important. I'm going to get my work done no matter what. That much I have already proven. What matters most was the look in Johnnie's eyes as he held my hand dragging me to the living room from the bedroom and making me watch his Octonauts video with him. I realized it wasn't about the video. It was all about being there. With him. at that moment. That makes all the difference in the world. I took the option of not showering tonight. We'll do it in the morning, even though he looked like he had one of those days from Blue Oak or Mar Vista last year where he had dirt streaks on his shirt and pants, food stains everywhere, dirt on his feet. Hey, that meant he had a pretty good day right? And that meant that I had a pretty good day too.

Is it August Already?

I woke up this morning thinking ahh Monday as if I was going to hop in the shower and get ready and drive in to work. The hop-in-the-shower part is true enough. And I actually feel like I'm one of these people that need some kind of regimen or it would be more like last Friday everyday. That would be when I basically spent almost the entire morning meditating, centering, and getting myself motivated for the day. The fact that I have to motivate myself means I'm starting to slip back into other-than-positive thoughtforms and that I need to pivot from that thinking in a hurry. It didn't help that I got one of those :memories: photo pings from Google photos showing me at my old USC Stevens office at the Transamerica building exactly 8 years ago. Man that's a long time isn't it? I don't even remember that olive green T-shirt I was wearing. All I know was that I was geeking out that day LOL. I also did some reflection this  morning on the weekend that passed. A couple of distinctions came to mind. I was basically trying to figure out why I started to tune Lisa out Saturday afternoon when she was simply trying to connect. In her own way of course, which was to dominate attention. And my attention simply couldn't be gotten. I think that was the EMPATH part of me realizing that my energy was getting depleted. And so I ended up bugging out shortly after that. I needed to plug back in by myself and that was NOT her fault. I'm glad I am self-aware enough now to realize that and I need to do a better job of making sure I don't hurt people's feelings when I withdraw like that. The other distinction was about golf which would extend to...Life Lessons. I was still running old programs and I simply did not clear them. I must remember that to get my outcomes, I need to let go of those old programs first, otherwise they still tend to take over. Good to know and it is something I must practice.
So those distinctions I did manage to get to first thing before I started to switch to QueensCare work mode. This week I am focusing on the FRB Meeting on Friday when the announcement will be made that we will be working remotely through April 2021. Looking like Friday is going to be a big day, what with Johnnie's meet-n-greet and screening with his kinder teachers going on in the morning. Still that is a few days away and so Eloisa my boss already alerted myself and our HR Director that the focus will be squarely on us at that meeting. And so I spent a total of a half hour putting together a quick survey on the internet speeds our remote workers are working with. I got the survey out right in the middle of the Business Continuity Meeting. So much so I was getting questions about it on the private chat. Still it was cool to get something done literally in a half hour that basically takes care of the minimum requisite work to be done today. And after the meeting I could already move on with the rest of the day...

I made myself some shrimp noodles for lunch. Mmmm. And then tried to take a nap but my mind was simply going to fast at least this afternoon. I distracted myself by doing some aerobics mid-afternoon. And I got to 6000 steps pretty much before 4 PM. This ensures I make my 11,000 today pretty easily. I was already at 40 active minutes and 36 cardio minutes then too. Minimum necessary for today all done. Why am I focused on minimum necessary I wonder? I tried to make reservations for golf for the weekend. And found out my golf card had expired. And so the only way to renew was in person at any one of the starters offices. And so I decided to renew mine today and went to Penmar to do it. And so it was that I would find myself at Penmar Golf Course at 4:30 PM in the afternoon renewing my golf card. I figured I'd do some more steps too since I don't have to pick up Johnnie until 5:30 PM. Except that Lisa called me right at 4:30. She might have picked up on an old psychic connection perhaps? She told me they were watching Winnie the Pooh. She invited me to come on over and watch since I told her I was already right down the block. And so I did some more steps... getting to 8000 and then went over to Lisa's. True enough, they were watching Winnie the Pooh. I stuck around for about 45 minutes to watch with them. And then Lisa drifted off to sleep towards the end and that was my queue to grab Johnnie and head on. Hey I did a good deed before I did. I took in her garbage bins and watered her veggies. She had already knocked off again. Johnnie got his McNuggets for dinner augmented by penne pasta with chicken broth. And I just had me some pasta as well. I thought my ego mind was discombobulated because I had actually kept myself on even keel for the most part of the day today. And got to bed early as well since Johnnie was with me. Is it August already? Yes it is. But with no urgency manufactured or otherwise, it was a quietly good day.

Good is the Enemy of Great

I had a big AHA this morning while watching this video on Procrastination and what actually causes it. In the video, Andrew Kirby talked about good being the enemy of great and then it hit me suddenly how THAT one statement underscores the difference between Lisa and I. She constantly shoots for great. Magnificent even. I constantly shoot for good enough. She wasn't like that in the beginning... the beginning as in when we first got together in 2006. She wa ok with good enough. But that wasn't her real self. The drive to be great, perfect even, was not only her basic personality, it was also molded into her by her dad. My parents didn't strive for perfection and THAT was what I learned. The difference grew when we got married and the gap got to the point where we started to lose respect with each other and we did not work together to accept the other as they were. THAT was what led to our relationship falling apart. Not her fault. not mine. It was BOTH of us forgetting how to respect the other. This A-HA moment comes as I celebrate the first anniversary of our divorce which was official exactly a year ago. All these timemarkers this week, and the stuff with Lisa in it is not exactly positive. And so I had to balance that by reminding myself that July 2006 remains the best time I have ever had. And that was because Lisa and I found ourselves pretty much spending every day together mostly at her apartment at th Orsini. Back then we were still running together, eating out together, doing everything. She wasn't working yet and neither was I having just left the dental school. I subsited on vacation money USC gave me. I remember it was something like $10K. And it was more than enough. I didn't think about the future, I just enjoyed the moment day-by-day with Lisa. No wonder I was so happy. And then of course there were those July months spent vacationing in Europe. Paris. Rome. Athens.  OK OK maybe those weren't exactly always good either. Some good experiences, some bad. But memorable to be sure. So really it hs only been the last couple of years <and of course July 2013> has there been some life-changing kind of event. Just that it has been the most recent. Boy I could sure use a quiet July 2020 huh? But so far this will be remembered as the part of the time of the pandemic isn't it? 

The picture I posted was of me taking a walk around the neighborhood in the afternoon. Actually I walked to Whole Foods right after the last phone call of the day, which was the Friday Huddle. I was thankful that the weekend had started. i was thankful that it was payday Friday and my bank account now has over $27K in it! I didn't do much work the rest of the day even though I had a couple of to-do's left on the table. Hey, remember this morning's a-ha? I'm back to doing good enough and minimum possible. That's because I have all these other things I would rather do. As in walking LOL. I must not be used to walking anymore though because I ended up doing a couple of miles <to WF and back> but when I got home, my left foot was sore. So much so, it took all I had to finish up the rest of my 11,000 steps, hobbling around outside. Uh-oh. Why oh why didn't I stick to my low-impact aerobics? Still I found enough energy to walk to Ralphs too and finish my grocery shopping. Hey this isn't NEARLY as bad as when I had those muscle aches way back in May. Besides it was still a nice Friday night out. At 6:30 PM it wasn't hot anymore. It's summer but it hadn't been heatwave hot. In fact, tonight a nice breeze was blowing. It was actually downright pleasant... as if it was a late spring Friday night. Anyway, I had bought some turkey breast last night at Whole Foods and tonight I ended up roasting it myself. Ended up with the main ingredients to my Friday night dinner of turkey wrap with spinach and babaganoush and tomato. Pretty nice and healthy eh? I did try to do those damned CTF applications and got through 1 working survey out of 6 I had to do. I figured I'd finish one and pretty much copy and paste to finish the rest. And then I tanked it. Hey it's Friday. Yeah i would like to say I can do it this coming weekend but I know better. Why lie to myself? it's ok, no need to push. No need to kill overwork myself right? I had my dinner and then watched the last 2 episodes of Snowpiercer including the Season 1 Finale on the Syfy channel app. And then decided not to binge watch too much. I have to be up early and be at Lisa's by 7:30 AM. The new Saturday Lisa workday routine such as it were. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up watching Johnnie for a good chunk of the day...

Day Off

I may not have taken many vacations in the last couple of years... but what I used to do was take a bunch of Fridays off here and there. Sometimes I'd play golf, sometimes I'd hang out with Johnnie. It was these 3-day weekends that kept me sane even as I was facing divorce and re-engineering my life.  Today I have off because of the 4th of July tomorrow.  And so I have this nice, neat Friday off without even having to take vacation. I may end up looking after Johnnie for a bit but that's ok. In fact, I thought it would be first thing this morning, but then Lisa's plans were and have always been really flexible anyway and so when she called me to let me know the Johnnie thing wouldn't probably happen until way later as in lunchtime or maybe even after that, I was totally ok with it. What I did instead was make myself breakfast, had a nice mug of Earl Grey, and this feeling like a Saturday and all actually, started to do internal work. <In other words, nothing any different from a usual Friday LOL LOL LOL>

I watched this video from Aaron Doughty about the energy of Money and I realize that I am in CONSUME state mostly and so there is no output of energy for money to come back. Consume state is not just about buying stuff to consume, but also consuming media on TV. What I need to do is shift into CREATE state. I need to manage my energy better in order to manage money and let it flow to me. What IS IT that I need to do in order to fulfill my purpose. In order to help others? What is it that I need to create?  In order to be of service. In order to provide MASSIVE VALUE. I already do this in my job. How can I do it outside of my job and create systems that provide value to others... like Aaron did? At least I am aware that asking these questions and directing them to my Higher Self will help me keep connected AND actually get some meaningful answers. I watched other videos too, as watching on YouTube does help you find others like it. And so it was that I pretty much ended up spending a good part of the day in this state working on my internals. I would have been totally ok to just chill away my Friday like this until Lisa called.

It was already nearly 3 PM when she did. She was bringing Johnnie over and she was inviting me over for dinner when i took him back later on. I didn't understand why she was driving him but that was totally ok. And when she did Johnnie was totally asleep. He had HAD a pretty fun and active day apparently. Doing the water slide with the kids of Blanca her house cleaner. I'm glad any time Johnnie gets to play with other kids. I feel it is important he does that, in order to keep him developed socially at least. And so that he doesn't feel alone as a child. And so instead of watching him for a couple of hours this afternoon, I simply let him sleep. And when he woke up, it was already time to deliver him back to Lisa LOL LOL. When I got there she too was napping. I guess she had practiced the piano for a good couple of hours. And so it was that the dinner she invited me too turned into dinner that I was going to help make LOL. Another Lisa move but that was not meant as a complaint. Just Lisa being Lisa. We actually had a nice dinner... except that I had eaten something strange today that gave me diarrhea. As in I was ejecting stuff from lunch and I really couldn't even enjoy the fish Lisa made for me. Or maybe it was that? Something was strange. I stayed with them until almost 9 PM. And then I drove home and realized that somehow I was still hungry. And so I went to Ralphs and grabbed a quick pizza that I could bake up in 10 minutes. And then popped on my newly garnered membership to Disney+. The Mandalorian couldn't suck me in to subscribe. But today finally I did. Just to watch the filmed version of Hamilton the much acclaimed and popular play. I knew I could download it, but that was ok. I just caved in.  And so it was that tonight I ended up hanging out with Lisa and Johnnie. AND did my Friday night thing watching Hamilton with some pizza.  A win-win-win.  And a nice day off for me.

About 5 Year Olds...

This reminds me of JOhnnie...

1. PHYSICALLY, THEY HAVE A BASIC FOUNDATION FOR LEG, ARM, CORE, AND ABDOMINAL DEVELOPMENT, BUT THEY MAY LACK STRENGTH AND STAMINA.

2. INTELLECTUALLY, THEY OFTEN HAVE A HARD TIME RETAINING BEYOND THREE COMMANDS. THEY ALSO SOMETIMES HAVE A HARD TIME DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN THEIR LEFT AND RIGHT.

• Expect them to initially get confused if you ask them to do more than three things at one time. Also initially expect them to have a hard time distinguishing between their left and right when following multiple commands.
• The goal should be to get them to retain three or more commands at once and beyond. We will also help them learn how to perform various left and right combinations.

3. EMOTIONALLY, THEY TYPICALLY FOCUS ON THINGS THAT MAKE THEM HAPPY OR UNHAPPY. THEY ALSO HAVE SLOW BRAKES WHEN THEY ARE EXCITED.

• Expect them to initially lose focus and shut down if they are not happy. Also expect them to hold back if they are not “into it” or get too rough when they are over-excited.
• The goal should be to help them focus even when it’s hard to do so. Help them learn to control their body and their power, especially when they are excited.

4. SOCIALLY, THEY LOVE TO PLAY WITH OTHERS, BUT CAN BE OVER-COMPETITIVE.

• We expect them to initially show weak sportsmanship when they participate in a competition.
• The goal should be to help them demonstrate good sportsmanship such as not cheating, not getting angry when they lose, and not bragging when they win.

A Relaxed Saturday

I started the day with breakfast over at Lisa's and as I got there here's Johnnie already setting up picnic on the floor and Lisa and Courtney in the kitchen. Great! All I gotta do is play with Johnnie until food is ready and then eat! Which is essentially what happened. I didn't do too much meditating this morning, choosing to still focus mainly on keeping my vibration as high as possible and becoming more aware of my own emotions. One A-HA distinction I did get was that I need to ACCEPT that other people are not perfect, that they have agendas, and that those agendas do not necessarily mesh with mine [but partly because I need to consciously and constantly choose my interactions and emotional intersections with people], and that MOST people are not at the same level of self-awareness and spiritual awareness as I am. And that last part is not a reason for separateness but more an even bigger to be compassionate. If I am to help people, and I mean A LOT of people, then how could I possibly do that if walk around looking down on them? And how could I do that anyway and claim to be self-aware. THAT is simply my ego needing to be right. AND that part of me too I need to accept. All that is internal work. And what better forces to help me learn these lessons than Lisa and Courtney together LOL LOL. For her part Lisa admitted that Courtney somehow stabilizes her emotionally and for that alone she may be worth all the flakiness and quirks, at least for Lisa. And it may be that Lisa does the same for Courtney. Either way it's good for both of them, at least for pockets of time. Then again, that would be Lisa's tolerance level anyway right? Even hanging with Johnnie by herself will push her to her limits. Which is why I'm here. And so after breakfast you could find me playing with Johnnie (see pic) while Courtney off to some flower garden to look for plants. Lisa played piano and actually got about a half hour before her usual parade of phone calls started. I left a little past noon. I had spent a couple of hours with Johnnie and I'm coming back tonight for dinner anyway. Best to chill for the afternoon. AND take a nap. I'm posting pics of the rest of the morning here.

I would come back later on in the evening for dinner. And Lisa had requested that we eat steaks tonight. W-h-a-t? Steaks? OK then. I went to Ralphs and picked up some of their best New York cuts, picked up Panda Express for Johnnie and got to Lisa's with the barbecue already on. Funny how I remembered putting this thing together. I didn't even know she had gotten the gas connection working. She had to make a comment about me not putting it together correctly but then again I remind myself that is the work isn't it? Not to take comments like that personally. Instead I put on the steaks and we had a perfectly fine dinner.

And we capped the evening off watching the movie Tangled which Johnnie and I had already seen but it was awesome to find a Frozen 2 replacement movie! Lisa had been drinking wine and by this time she was almost looped. But that's ok. We had a prefectly good dinner-and-a-movie night and I was home by 9 PM. A nice Saturday it turned out to be.

Friday Lessons And Reality Checks

Today is Friday and normally on a Friday work is not really even a priority even when I was going to work. The last few Fridays this has not been the case at all because of all the urgency surrounding getting everyone prepared for remote work and actually supporting staff that is doing remote work after that. And then all these initiatives are coming out faster than you can even think up solutions. Telehealth. A surge of patients we're preparing for. Getting infrastructure ready. But this morning there was not the urgency that was around the last few Fridays. And with no Johnnie around I could actually go back to having a leisurely Friday morning... at least before having to meet with anyone at work. I ruefully remember Friday mornings at the FRB cafeteria getting a different than usual breakfast and then enjoying the downtown LA view from the patio. Although I do remember that fondly, I would in fact give that up just so I can work from home always. And this morning I actually spent time doing some internal work. First I gave thanks that it is payday today and I got a paycheck like usual. Something I reminded my team of when i did my morning huddle. That we were not a part of the millions of people filing for unemployment just this past week. That we weren't a part of the group of people that are still waiting on paying their rent or mortgages. [I give thanks that money and abundance continue to flow to me and through me] And then the lessons that I focused on today involved a reality check. Everyone and everything is what we push out. This from a Youtube video from Amy Westmoreland and Amanda from Create Your Future. The gist of the lesson is that we actually control what other people think. We write the script. And so if that means everybody is just a bunch of actors in a play we write and direct, that they are stuffed dolls waiting for their lines to come from us... well that is in fact what is happening. Everyone we encounter is playing a role we assigned to them based on our assumptions, beliefs, attitudes. It's just that we unconsciously fed them the lines based on our thinking that we are not even aware of, nor did we believe we were doing that. Before we come into our own self-awareness that is. And fully realized just how in control we really are of our own reality. That is profound. Wow so all that tension between Lisa and I all week is something I pushed out? Something I drew to myself? Her behavior was something I created? I am almost dumbfounded. And the fix is working on my awareness and intention? OK. You do that with a mental diet. And so part 2 about the Mental Diet from the Amanda channel. And it is really about Cleaning and Clearing yet again. Clearly I have a lot of that to do. And I have to do it every day. Like working out. Ok then...

And so this afternoon I went back to my "job" and interacting with my team. First I cooked up some nice salmon and made my own fried rice for lunch. Looks good in the pic doesn't it? Unfortunately my body ejected all that nice salmon. I think it wasn't all that good... probably because I let it sit in the fridge for a week. Serves me right for hoarding. Anyway we did a virtual first-Friday-of-the-month celebration on Zoom for the FRB team and I must say it actually went pretty well. We did a couple of games, I even won a couple of them. Anyway it kept the momentum of keeping us together as a team and I was actually even glad to see some of the Finance folks there. And then right after that came the afternoon huddle and Eloisa finally had the great sense to start it early so we could be done at 4:30 like we used to do before. Heck before I wouldn't even stay until 4:30 sometimes. Of course sometimes I'd stay much later... but only to have a pizza on 7th and Fig. Not anymore. And so Barbara concluded the afternoon meeting with "don't think about anything work related this weekend". I'm going to do just that Barbara.  So tonight I have the usual Netflix and dinner night. The funny thing is that I realize that other than working from home during the day, the rest of my time is like it was before all the coronavirus stay-at-home social distancing stuff. And so what I did tonight, do my steps, make myself dinner <Bolognese Arnel style tonight since I've had that ground beef and mirepoix in my fridge for at least a week now too> and then watch Netflix is something I would have ordinarily done anyway. Tonight I watched Tales from the Loop on Netflix, which is somewhat of a modern version of the Twilight Zone but with more scientific implications and a definite bent towards space-time. Probably something I should look into right? Particularly since I'm letting my attention get pulled to whatever it needs to be pulled to these days. Anyway the episode where these 2 kids were able to switch bodies and then one of them refused to switch back was particularly distressing. And then the one where this girl was able to stop time and then spent time with the guy she liked... until they got into a conflict and they didn't like each other anymore. Gee. Kinda like marriage isn't it LOL LOL. The "problem" as always is that I tend to binge watch and when I do that, I go until the wee hours of the morning. Today I did that until well past 1 AM. Sigh. That's ok I guess. What do I have to do tomorrow?

"Social Isolation" Day 1

It was supposed to rain most of the day today. It would make it easy to stay in and have one of my usual LEARNING SATURDAYS which is what I do when I don't have Johnnie on a Saturday, especially since the Bengston Research event just got cancelled. It's like it was there then it wasn't. I couldn't think of a better way to learn healing especially in the now era of coronavirus, but then again the social consciousness of lack and limitation was evident and in full manifestation with the half empty store shelves in all grocery stores these days. No matter. I can still reset and recharge and learn it on my own. And wouldn't you know that I get on the internet first thing and was able to download William Bengston's book for which the event was based from anyway. I can still learn it. And of course whenever I get an opening like that [downloading a book], it's like coming upon a YouTube video I was steered into watching. There never is just one. There's more. And others related to that. And even others related to stuff I was already thinking about. It's like a channel opens and there are lots of things on that channel.  So not only did I download Bill Bengston's book, there was also another couple of books that caught my attention. One from Richard Dotts who co-authored a book with Dr Joe Dispenza. And one from Melody Fletcher who has a way and style of delivering the same content that I've reading over and over now for the last year but in a more direct manner that I resonate with. I posted her video on the 4 Core Beliefs we need to overcome. And so I basically flowed into my CHILL Saturday no different than really any other CHILL Saturday. I went out to get breakfast at McDonald's since I want to save the eggs that I was able to procure yesterday - with great effort I might add -  for Johnnie's breakfasts next week. It was surreal walking into a pretty empty McDonald's right down the block which is always usually full at this time in the morning. I look across the street at the Ralphs's parking lot and THAT is full and it is usually empty at this time of the morning on a weekend. It's 9 AM after all. I guess people are still in hoarding mode. I realize that it is during this time that I have to take particular care about my own state and my own awareness and make sure I do not get sucked into that negative thinking and negative thoughtforms. It is more important than ever to anchor myself to the things I am trying to learn today. And so I cruised through a lot of material this morning, making notes, listening to videos, reading some of the books. And when I needed a break I continued watching Iron Fist from last night. Yes I stayed up late, but I also got up late this morning and I got 5 hours of sleep after all. And I know there is a nap in my near term future too LOL. That nap came after lunch and lasted an entire hour. I didn't go out for lunch. There was so much more food than normal now in my fridge I had to eat some. Tuna sandwich on Hawaiian bread today. People can hoard all they want but food goes bad if you do not consume them. By the time I got up from my nap it was almost 4 PM! And I was just at 2000 steps. So guess what I got to do for the next hour or so?! I walked around my neighborhood until I got to 7000 steps as sort of the first level. And then finished off 11,000 after it got dark. It wasn't exactly a nice day out today. In fact it was raining on and off all day long. Made golf Sunday tomorrow questionable. We will have to play it by ear.  So today turned out to be a pretty quiet Saturday. And after a very busy and hectic and anxious week, a much needed quiet. We all hit the RESET button. And now we're re-booting...

Another Johnnie Saturday

So one of the videos I watched yesterday was about a morning routine called "asking questions". The premise was that all the answers you need are already in you. You simply need to mine it by asking the right questions. And this is something I need to cultivate and do every morning. This morning when I woke up the question I asked was: How could I be the best dad to Johnnie today? This most definitely set my intention for the day. I was at Lisa's by  7:45 AM and she was already ready to go and unexpectedly [to me] making Johnnie eggs for breakfast because he was hungry. Of course he's hungry! But she also knows we go to Elysee for breakfast every Saturday morning that we're together. And we're going again this morning. When Lisa left, Johnnie took a couple of bites and then asked if we could eat at Elysee instead.  He knows. And so off we went for our usual Saturday morning. We DID have breakfast at Elysee, and then to Target to pick up groceries, and then to Whole Foods too. After all, gotta find some Clorox or Lysol wipes SOMEWHERE. The whole state can't be out of it right? Damn corona virus.  That was the Saturday morning grocery run such as it were. The power of routine and then when we got home he asked to watch Lego Indomitus. I was happy to put it on while I did laundry. And got a little work done. See yesterday went smoothly that this morning's power outage at the FRB took me by surprise. We weren't notified. And so I had to scramble a bit to get the message out and make sure the health centers are on disaster recovery mode. I was the official word. Johnnie got caught up in the videos that he wanted to have lunch at home. That was ok. I was happy to oblige. He was in such a playful mood. My favorite sound is the sound of him squealing and belly-laughing while we horseplay like in the video I posted. I will never get enough of that and that will never get old. As for lunch, it turned out I had plenty of food for ME too. I still had that fish that I bought last night that I didn't get around to cooking. We had just bought butter pasta for Johnnie for lunch for the week. He gets to have an early start on that today. And the Pediasure I wanted to try and test. And we bought some of that chocolate croissant from Whole Foods. Done and done. He had such a good lunch when I asked him to take a quick nap, he was out in 5 minutes. Just like old times :)

Anyway there were a couple of things that Johnnie did bring up in conversation today that I had to tackle. You know how kids ask the strangest questions sometimes. He asked me why people die? Urghh! I just said that people get old and then their bodies break down and don't work anymore and then they die. And then he mentioned Grandpa Koko specifically. Now where did THAT come from?? What the heck kind of conversations does that family have with my son?? He was satisfied with my answers I think. And then the second round of questions came as a comment. Out of left field it seemed. He mentioned that Brooklyn kept talking to him about marriage stuff. Seems harmless at that age so I just laughed it off. Until he mentioned that he doesn't like that he doesn't get to play with the girls sometimes and that he doesn't like playing with some of the kids. What he mentioned that they made fun of him that he couldn't read. Now I told him that THAT wasn't true and that we read every single night. The kids were making fun of him for not reading the words THEY read. Words like poop. And so I had to explain to him that he was so advanced in his reading that it was like a superpower. And like everyone with superpowers it is scary to other people. So much so they have to make fun of it. This is where negative programming starts and so I wanted to make sure I got this one right. I went back to my question this morning. THIS is how I get to be the best dad for Johnnie. By making sure he feels safe and ok and explaining other kid's behaviors. Johnnie is already going to be different that much is sure. And I really mean SPECIAL. I know all parents think their kids are special. But do most parents really know how? I will work on his social skills and get help however way I can from those that see him everyday as well. And then we played together, first baseball... at least until he broke the bat with one really hard swing. W-h-a-t? The thing is plastic! And then we played soccer afterwards. And had dinner at Panda Express. We ended up having a pretty good day. I even did an exercise with him where I asked him to draw how parents love their kids and he ended up writing how much his mom and dad love him and how he loved them back. AHHH THAT is Johnnie's love language: words. And then of course presents. In that order. Nice that Lisa and I already know this. It's sort of like a code we've already figured out. And when Lisa called at 7:30 dead tired from HER day and almost forgetting to stop at the apartment to pick him up, I was ready for the hand-off. I felt like Johnnie and I bonded even more today. I know this because quite spontaneously in the middle of our play he told me "I love you dad". Melts my heart. Every.single.time. THAT will never ever get old.

Learning Saturday

So today is one of my "Learning Saturdays" which means I have absolutely no plans and all I want to do is catch up on the many MANY things that I want to learn and do. More internal work for me today and judging from all the EGO traps I fell into just last night, I have much to learn. I posted a picture from my block in my neighborhood simply to symbolize the onward and upward energy I'm embracing. Today I want to tackle the question I had for myself: "Why are you so irritated with people? Not certain people although that happens too, but people in general?" Where is that anger coming from? I'm hoping to get an answer today. But first I let myself be drawn to whatever I'm drawn to on Youtube. And this morning that is a whole bunch of Brad Yates EFT tapping videos. I figured my Higher Self will lead me to whatever answers I need to get led to. I did at least 3 sessions before I even had breakfast:  Tapping on Clearing anything that isn't Love Tapping on getting $2,800,000 [which really was Tapping for $1,000,000 but I put my own amount in there LOL] Tapping on Financial Abundance. I paid attention to whatever was coming up when I did the tapping because I was pretty sure there are still some blockages I need to clear out. I have come to realize that all this energy work... they are not one-offs. They need to be done consistently and daily, just like taking a shower or brushing your teeth and flossing on a daily basis. The grit and grind of everyday life tends to put muck in my energy and THAT is what I need to work on as well. To be more consistent in my daily practice and get clearing done. And so I did this work for more than an hour and then made myself some breakfast, and then took a break to watch more Mindhunters. I ended up binge watching the thing last night until the wee hours in the morning and I still hadn't finished all the episodes. I pretty much stayed in for the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon actually, foregoing the turkey sandwich trip to Bristol Farms Playa del Rey in favor of finishing up all the leftovers I had from the week. And then an early afternoon nap as well. By the time I looked up, most of the day was gone! Funny how time goes by so fast when you're not paying attention. Especially when you're not paying attention.

By 3 PM I decided to get on out and move my body. All the inner work from this morning had uncovered some of the reasons why I was experiencing stiffness all last week, which was merely stress held in many different places. Earlier in the week I had centered on LACK as the primary cause of the all this stress. FEAR-->INSECURITY-->LACK and I didn't deal with it well. THAT is the lesson isn't it. This afternoon I found some Wm Hof breathing exercises to help release stress in my body and that is something once again that I need to incorporate into my daily cleaning, clearing practice. I liked what the guy in the video did, incorporate a couple of techniques into something that works without actually giving it a name or  label.  Anyway I did manage to get out and get my steps in, especially since by 3 PM I had only gotten to 1000 steps. I remember thinking it might be a challenge to get all the way to 10,000, let alone 11,000 by this evening. But we'll see. What i ended up doing was doing a full-on grocery shopping run. The kind I usually would do with Johnnie on a Saturday morning, except I walked this time. And I got a chance to clear my head in the process. While walking home from Whole Foods it did finally come to me: I was angry at people because I am expressing anger I feel for MYSELF. I'm disappointed in them because I'm disappointed in MYSELF. And what I need to do is accept and forgive myself. I need to ACCEPT that I'm not perfect and that despite my claim to be so thoughtful and kind... I'm not always thoughtful and kind either. PEOPLE are not always thoughtful and kind and they're not perfect. But instead of judging them, I need to accept what is and I need to FORGIVE. I need to FORGIVE myself and I need to FORGIVE them. I need to adopt more of a "so-what" attitude. And more importantly, I need to keep reminding myself of this because this isn't something new. It's something I already know but keep forgetting. I need to practice. And practice. And practice. Just like golf LOL. And with that I deemed my work done for the day. I finished my grocery store run and I ended up grilling carne asada too for my Saturday night. It was pretty good. And then had porato salad and baked beans too. Mmmm. I capped my evening with a basketball double double. Lakers and UCLA. The fact that it is the end of February and almost March (tomorrow) and both are still in the thick of things most definitely is something to celebrate! The Lakers lost a game they didn't bring energy to. But hey they're still 5 games up in first place, something that hasn't been in the case in at least 6 years! And the Bruins? they beat Arizona to take sole possession of first place in the PAC-12!! They are probably going to March Madness! An amazing story for a season I had deemed long lost way back in January! It was a pretty good Learning Saturday today, and a nice way to end the month of February.

Officially Forgiving Myself

In order to let the past go, you must forgive yourself officially.
Feel the embarrassment or shame or guilt one final time. Really feel it throughout your body. Next, tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes and you know you that that outcome was not your intention. It was an accident. Finally, make the decision to forgive yourself and do it. It helps to even say it out loud.
From now on, it's OK. You are forgiven.
Every time the thought comes back, simply remind yourself that you have already been forgiven, so there's no reason to feel bad anymore. Then push the thought away.

the power of why

We are here to learn lessons. To learn what God is like. To know ourselves as CREATORS and beings "of God". This is the reminder lesson for this morning. I also got a reminder to keep asking why in order to get my own CLARITY.

Why do I want to be financially independent? A question which led me to an Abraham-Hicks lecture on the very thing. Which basically reminds me to focus on what I want instead of what I don't want. I don't need to focus on not wanting to be in my job, or any job. I should focus instead on why working for myself is so much better.

What do I really want?

SATISFACTION. FULFILLMENT. CLARITY.

My ideas, my efforts, easy momentum. Effortless. Struggle free. Feeling of meant-to-be-ness. To be inspired and inspire others. 

Why Do I want to be a healer?
Hunger for knowledge. Hunger for expression. To provide value and service to others.

Why DO I want to write books?
Because I'm good at it  And to serve my talents of being a Librarian. A seeker and garnerer of Knowledge. Yet I do acknowledge that kept to myself, this knowledge is practically useless. I must learn to share and disseminate as well.

Am I aligned with my Purpose?
How does my role as Johnnie's dad fit into all this? Lots of questions and points to ponder and meditate on. More to come.

Shower Thoughts and Past Failures

So this morning, while in the shower I get a nice little trip back in time to all those times when I "failed" at trying to start something entrepreneurial for myself. OK failed may be a bit harsh. But for sure I didn't get the outcomes I wanted. I tried real estate all the way back in the 80s with Karl and Resur, trash bin surfing for copies of the MLS LOL. Funny thing was that an unconventional no-money down wraparound contract that we offered was actually accepted. But by the time it did I was already on my way to Michigan to start my real job at EDS. I mean we didn't even have a deposit or anything on the offer LOL. That was a good 35 years ago! That's how long I've been wanting to do something on my own. And then of course I picked up where I left off in the late 80s with real estate again and with Rudy Bonnin this time. Actually did buy a house in Hacienda Heights that we had to assign to someone else because we didn't actually have the money to buy it. We did find someone who did though. Unfortunately we could not sustain that and then I ended up starting the Tony Robbins stuff, getting deep into credit card debt because I didn't want to work anymore or get a job. I wanted to make money with real estate. But never during that time did I try to focus on what I SHOULD have been doing. And then I went through the period of time where I didn't have money at all, no income no nothing. And I had to go back to the "security" of the only thing I knew - a job. And that was with Cedars-Sinai. And then from that point on, I turned that into the career I have today 25 years later. I did try to do the Amway thing in the middle of all that with Resur. But that was his idea. And then when I met Lisa and she graduated from dental school I got let go by USC. And I tried to give trading for money a go. But I was just dabbling at it. I was far more interested in getting together with Lisa. And so when an opportunity came to get another job, this time with USC Stevens, I went back to that old "security" again. Until I got laid off and here I am. Man does time fly doesn't it? And now I want to give the working-for-myself thing another go. I think I need to clear out all the reasons why whatever I've done so far has not worked, or at least not been sustainable. That was what I was thinking about this morning in the shower. As I dried up, I concluded with this thought. It is NEVER too late. And I owe it to myself to give it another shot. And that with all these "failures" there were also SUCCESSES, it was just that I treated them like ego-strokes at the time, and did not sustain effort well enough to have more. I can do that NOW can't I?

First Tuesday in February Musings

Today's A.Ha   How come if I keep discovering that I have already been exposed to information and resources from almost 30 years ago, why was I not able to follow through? 
Answer: I didn't work enough on the underlying programming to move the needle a different direction. Those programs are what keeps us stuck. You see the Universe keeps giving us lessons... opportunities to move forward from these programs so we can have our desires. It is up to us to learn these lessons. And when we don't learn them, they get harder. How drastic and difficult the lessons we learn in this life are is entirely dependent on our response time to these lessons that the Universe/Higher Self is offering. The more we continue to resist the lessons Life is bringing to us, the more they will continue to appear in our Field. And every time a lesson reappears in our Field, it has a little more magnitude than the previous time. 
My Lesson: What I did NOT learn back in the day was how to manage money. And now that i have some I STILL have to learn how to manage it so it can grow much faster than I've done in the past decade. And I must learn this now. Learn to transmute fear of failure and scarcity and lack thoughtforms into abundance and expansion and having more than enough.
Progress: Today once and for all I went to the pennystocks training subreddit /r/pennystockstraining and compiled the strategy in one place. That was the first step in learning. Taking notes. Next step is doing and first hand trying the steps. But I also need to do set up work also. Get a broker to start doing the strategies and again, learn first hand.

Johnnie and I watched Frozen 2 tonight. Again. This after picking him up from school and he was so excited to be going home and doing Tuesday night routine. The first thing he asked was if we were making cookies tonight. Of course we would! And there would be other stuff too. That, of course, would be me making his chicken noodle soup aka penne pasta in chicken broth. And me putting Italian sausage on the barbecue for me. He wolfed down the pasta and then waited for the Italian sausage. And then wolfed that down too. And then I ate my share with some regular spaghetti. Johnnie ate some of the spaghetti from my plate too. And then we settled in and watched the Frozen 2 movie. There couldn't have been a better M&M moment like this. Just look at him in the pic transfixed on that song "All Is Found". I'm starting to really like the movie now. And then I remembered the Aaron Abke video on the lessons from the original Frozen movie. He likes using movies to illustrate lessons in spiritual growth. In the original movie, Elsa had all these powers but because she thought she had hurt her sister she starts to suppress them and when the more she suppresses them, the stronger they got. It's a metaphor to the dark side in all of us. The truth was of course that they weren't the dark side, they were powers, and they weren't negative. She just needed to learn how to use them. And to learn how they work. And she needed the power of love instead of fear to come to terms with what she thought was her dark side. And then of course there was this part where she needed to let go of the past. Very eloquently articulated in the video was how all of that relates to each and every one of us. So today it would seem that I had multiple lessons. The next step is to make sure the lessons stick. And so I thoroughly enjoyed routine Tuesday. I started of course with getting Johnnie ready for school and making him breakfast at home. And walking him to school. The best job I have is "DAD" obviously. Work was pretty uneventful today and even if I felt I didn't get anything important done, I was actually working on some stuff. That's the fun part of my job is trying and testing new things. A way to encrypt Gdrive. A new VPN. New technology I can utilize for my personal use obviously but might also benefit QueensCare. And then the shift at 4:30 from job mode to Johnnie mode. I even got my 11,000 steps done by 8 PM tonight I was so ahead during the day. And Johnnie and I got to do math lessons too. Subtraction was the lesson of the day. It felt great to realize he had gotten it and that he had gotten the answers right. And to top it all off, the Lakers won again with a monster performance from LeBron James. All in all it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Lessons first day of February version

So today is the first day of February. A brand new month. And not lost on me was that January is already gone and I'm at the same place that I was - seemingly anyway - than when 2020 started. This is how I ended up letting 30 years go by. I simply didn't do a good enough job of following through and sharpening my focus. But I also need to forgive myself for that. And for January. And I have to start over. To that end, I had a nice meditation session this morning first thing and what i focused on was the outcomes that I wanted. I asked my Inner Self what was preventing me from getting THAT which was what I wanted. I presumed to focus on the feeling of FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE which gave me the feeling of freedom. But i also had thoughts on what I needed to express more in terms of my passions and what I wanted to do. I love to learn. I'm good at culling information and resources together.  Is that enough to create my 2nd income stream? Maybe 3rd or 4th? And then I focused on how I got to be successful at having my job and doing the work that I do. I need to focus and project that same competence in the "work" of creating new occupations for me that created as much or more of my current income level. And it occurred to me that I must "attack" that occupation the same way I go about my job. Clock in (mentally anyway). Focus on the outcomes by the day or by the project. Plan these projects. Get resources together. Create timelines. Make things happen. Provide massive value. Measure how I succeed. All those things from my job that I am already very competent at doing and getting results. I have to do the same stuff. The meditation session also brought some stuff to the surface. Internal blockages still. The FEAR that came up was fear of failure from not having the income constancy of a job. THAT I have to continue to work on. It's all I know for now. I need to challenge that thought. Why can't I just learn to do THAT if i truly love learning the most? I can learn anything couldn't I? 
And then I got on the video from Aaron Abke about the ego and its need for attention which feeds it and the awareness that it is constantly harboring guilt and that FORGIVENESS is the only thing that can counteract it. We must accept our darker nature but we must also learn to control it and focus more on our natural light. And then the Teal Swan video on how time is a man-made construct and we must focus on our passions rather than trading our time for money. When we're focused on our passions time becomes almost irrelevant. Kind of appropos to the earlier stuff I wrote about a job wasn't it? So do I give myself a timeline or Not? It is February 1 should I give myself 29 days to manifest something to make that "skill" more believable to me? [do i really need a timeline for that? can't I do it now?]. Can I manifest $20,000 by the end of February? I go back to my golf game last Sunday where I know I simply couldn't hold my focus and sustain it more than a couple of holes. How do i reconcile this with needing to be so absorbed in my passion that time sort of goes away? Lots to absorb, lots to process. How do I keep my mind from wandering too much. I feel like I'm all over the place this morning. Maybe a little bit overwhelmed even. Before I knew it the morning had passed and it was noon already and I hadn't left the couch. Is that good?

It was such a nice day though it would be a shame not to take advantage of it. I had already stayed in and I chose not to go to Bristol Farms to get a turkey sandwich at lunch which had sort of become somewhat of a routine. Today I just realized that I had so much food in the fridge that I baked the frozen halibut in the freezer, opened up the bag of ready made rice and voila... lunch! And then afterwards I knocked off for about 1 1/2 hours for my afternoon nap. It was past 3 PM before I decided I had to get off the couch. I hadn't done any activity, the steps log was at barely 1000. Oh well,  I had to do grocery shopping anyway. And so I did the Ralphs, Trader Joe's routine and made a stop at Marukai along the way to pick me up some Japanese food. Hadn't been to that place since the last time I did the hand-off many months ago now. It's not that I didn't have a Japanese store near me. Quite the contrary actually, it's just that the specific Korean noodles I liked I saw here and I didn't see at Mitsuwa or at Ninjiya on Sawtelle. Maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough. Anyway I got them now. My thinking was that I was not going to eat pizza tomorrow on Super Bowl Sunday. And so I loaded up on Asian food LOL. I thought about doing some more study videos tonight but I was all studied out. I think I need to let this morning's lessons process. And there's also golf tomorrow to help me integrate and practice manifesting. That is where I'm at really. Practicing manifesting skills. Tonight I saw the Lakers finally play like their real selves and win the 2nd game of a back-to-back in Sacramento, matching last years season win total weeks before the All Star Break. It's unbelievable now that they only won 37 games last year. And then I finally got around to watching the movie Jojo Rabbit. I really liked the movie. It ended up being somewhat of an allegory like District 9 about how we demonize those that aren't like us. So apropos to our current divided country wasn't it? It became they and us. And then when we find out that all they are... are people. Just like us. When we see them as human beings, suddenly those divisions become less apparent and less important. And it tied in to the lessons from this morning. We are all connected. Division is an illusion. We must never forget.