Lessons in Perception

Perhaps it was the "all-day" (relatively all-day anyway) contemplative stuff that I did yesterday that kept me in more of an "observer state" today. After all, it is Sunday, the first Sunday in Lent, it is the first day of March and a brand new month, and I'm teeing off at Eaton Canyon at 8:25 AM first thing. The last time we played here was the day Kobe Bryant died in the helicopter accident. And I also remember getting on in 2, somewhat incredulously on the first 2 holes. I should be able to do that again and then some. Right? Not so fast. Going back to the blog post from that day, it seemed like I was doing some visualization right before each shot. And reminding myself to relax and slow my swing down. That seemed to be the key. I was more deliberate. My swing had very good rhythm. Which, after the first tee shot on the first hole, I knew I did not have. I belted the thing so hard but it hit a tree on the left side and fell straight down 100 yards from the box. I was lucky even to get 100 yards. The lesson? It is what your most dominant visual, the most dominant thought(s) that controls what happens. But it IS your thoughts. If I'm not hitting the ball well, or consistently, my thoughts are consistently off the mark as well. In hindsight, I should have done more to slow myself down. But I didn't. And I played as if by random. And so my shots were as if by random. Some were good, some were bad, some were really bad. I should have chanelled Yoda: CONTROL. You must learn CONTROL. and by that he might your mind. Needless to say I did not have a good golf game today. The last time we played I almost played myself to a win. Today I won 2 holes, only 1 of them outright. And it felt lucky to win those 2 holes. I hit the ball well most of the time, but not accurately. Worse, a few times I either moved my ball to get a better lie or put it down where i wanted. Yep. I cheated. I was playing so badly I felt like I needed to just to keep up. Instead of working on my "work". Sigh. That's going to need some cleaning and clearing later on.

And then the biggest lesson of all came later after golf. After I had lunch [my usual salmon plate at Crimson], after I had taken a fairly long nap after that. Usually I'd get a call from Lisa to watch Johnnie while she played soccer this afternoon. I didn't get such a call today, which usually meant that she had either made other plans as in she wasn't playing soccer this afternoon [like last week for example], or someone else is watching him. Either way it IS her turn and she has the absolute right to do what she wished today. I reminded myself of that. When i see Johnnie on Sundays is at Lisa's discretion solely per our agreement. Still I'm not going to lie and say I wished she called today. And so when she didn't, that part of me that manufactures crap, the same part of me that manufactured tension between us at Thursday's hand-off, started to make up reasons for me to feel bad about this. Could Lisa be cutting me off to get even for last Thursday? I did some exercises to quiet my mind knowing full well it is now somewhat out of control. I went back to this week's lessons on LACK. All suffering comes from the EGO and thoughts of LACK. LACK of CERTAINTY [It's not safe], LACK OF SELF-LOVE [I'm not good enough, I don't deserve it..."love"]. And with that I also found this great video from Sandra Rolus on clearing blockages for money using specific breathing exercises. And for some reason it accessed more blocks and me aware of those. It was energy work. And it seemed to do something. At 5 PM I got a call from Lisa. She was on her way with Johnnie [asleep] to Joah's house for a dinner invite. And she told me she had had another full Lisa-type weekend that started Thursday night. Mel and Jacob had come over and spent the night through Saturday. THAT was why she was rushed herself last Thursday. It wasn't me. It wasn't us. Mel and Jacob were on their way over. And then this weekend, Elaine and Carmen and Tony came and visited too and hung out. No wonder I didn't hear from her today. It had nothing to do with me at all! Boy was I way WAY off. Perceptions can get you all knotted up sometimes for absolutely NO REASON WHATSOEVER. And with that all of a sudden i didn't feel bad anymore. Perhaps it's because those energy exercises allowed me to give myself permission not to feel bad. I went out and got shrimp pad thai for dinner, cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, and watched tonight's episode of the Walking Dead. A perfectly great Sunday evening. See what happens when you free yourself from suffering you yourself create? Hmmm. Like I said yesterday. Gotta keep cleaning and clearing every.single.day.