Catching Up

PHYSICAL STUFF How did I get behind on a bunch of stuff? I woke up this morning and I am still feeling some anxiety. I KNOW I didn't do enough to clear that up from early last week when I was stressing about my meeting with Eloisa. Even after the meeting I was still feeling the stress. So that's a to-do. *** Clear up last week's stress *** And then there are other physical things that came up as well, all related to some FEAR I have of DYING. *** Clear of Fear of Dying stuff *** and I'm sure THAT related to the stress too and the focus of my thoughts on physical stuff that more than likely aren't even real. Or at least they are by themselves a product of my focus on dis-ease. Example: "My blood pressure is too high." "I'm seeing spots in my right eye... I must be having a stroke" "I'm not well" "My neck is still tight" "My back is tight" "I'm starting to itch and scratch all over...am I allergic to something?" The picture I posted is pretty much an accurate representation of what has been going through my head pretty much for the last week. And I have not done much about it. Haven't even tried to quiet it down. Hence I'm sure it FEELS like it's getting worse. Fortunately I am AWARE that all of that is ALL in my head. And I do need to quiet these thoughts down. Just one of the things I need to catch up on today.

THE KOBE MEMORIAL And then of course today is the Kobe Memorial at Staples Center. I tried to leave early for work knowing full well it's going to be a madhouse traffic-wise near the Staples Center and that traffic this morning might be heavier than usual. As it turned out I didn't leave all that much earlier. And as it turned out traffic wasn't so bad. AND as it turned out I didn't exactly catch up at work this morning because I ended up watching the memorial on YouTube. NBA royalty was there of course. And even Michael Jordan spoke. And in my opinion he had the most poignant speech of all. Vanessa had the strongest speech only because of the sheer strength it must have taken to get up there in front of these thousands of people. I don't know if I could have done it myself. By lunchtime the memorial was over. And although it was necessary, I feel like the sad that had started to dissipate was back all over again. Seeing MJ and D-Fish and Shack cry... well it makes you cry too. And I could definitely sense my eyes being swollen from crying myself as I made my way to lunch upstairs.

JOHNNIE PICK-UP In the end I did catch up. But just with my journal. I hadn't written since Friday. I had all of this past weekend to process. I went home and realized I was barely at 3600 steps when I left work. And so in the hour that I had before picking up Johnnie, I went to the grocery store, got ingredients for dinner, made beef stew for dinner AND got to 8000 steps before I had to pick up Johnnie at 6:30PM because Lisa had an early game tonight.  It was just another MOnday night pick-up. And Johnnie ended up watching Daniel Tiger for an hour. Funny. He asked to watch it. He hadn't watched that for maybe a couple of years, not since I had left the Maplewood house. It was good to have him back for my turn. Good to go to bed early again. Good to give him his shower routine. Good to post pics of us together. And I recalled from the Kobe Memorial something Jimmy Kimmel said. The day is about GRATITUDE. Be grateful. And LOVE THE HELL OUT OF THE ONES YOU LOVE. And then one from Tom Brady of all people. He wrote: "The world we live in is teaching everyone to fear, to worry, to shame, or to give up and that is not what Kobe stood for. If there is anything I learned from this tragic event is this: SEIZE THE DAY. That is what Kobe did. And that is what he wants for us too." Well put Tom... well put. I will love the ones I love the most with all my heart. And I WILL seize the day.