My Ego Was Awake Today

This being a Thursday and the last day I get to drop Johnnie off to school this week, I reveled that it was still pretty warm out. So much so that for the 3rd straight day I sent him off wearing shorts. And no jacket. For some reason this morning my awareness was on myself, and the fact that I wasn't really socializing with other parents when I drop Johnnie off at school. Why was I thinking that? I am aware that when I think such things, it's simply my ego cherry-picking for something wrong for me to worry about. That and maybe a reminder that there is a "program" running that makes me thumb my nose down at people in general. It's a program that says PEOPLE DON'T THINK and that makes me irritated at them as if I'm so perfect. Anyway it is a generalization, and a bad one at that. And it makes me keep people at arm's length. Not all the time. But I do notice I think negative thoughts about the other parents. Like I'm being judgemental about them. Why and how the hell am I doing THAT? That isn't good. And unfortunately, I didn't catch it early enough to do something about it. At least not before I went to work and went on to my next meeting, which was the CCALAC HIT Forum. TWICE in that meeting Candice and Roman Chapa made off-handed comments that I should stop being such a jerk. On the 2nd time I think I had the realization that probably they weren't kidding. And so I spoke less. I'm sure I said something to simply bring attention to myself. And that makes me cringe now when I think about it. Once again it's MY EGO out in full force. Fortunately I did feel like I provided some value at the meeting by at least getting things discussed that folks wanted to talk about. And I think I contributed not only by bringing up stuff but also by helping facilitate. I just have to figure out where this ME-ME-ME stuff is coming from? After the meeting I went to get a chicken sandwich at Chick-Fil-A mainly to get Johnnie his dinner for the evening, but also to get me some more food since I only had one slice of pizza at the HIT Meeting. That and I still stopped at 7-11 to pick up a couple of mini-tacos. And then there was still some food at the FRB from another meeting this morning. I should have brought home some of the rice.

Anyway I went home early again. I picked up Johnnie. The thing was that I did so much walking this morning going to the meeting and coming right back that I was ALREADY at 9000 steps by the time I picked him up from school. I got him his chicken dinner and then readied for the Lisa hand-off. I remembered that Lisa doesn't have a phone, but then again I had her replacement phone that I ordered for her from Google since her old one was covered under device protection. I called her office number, called her at home, sent her texts, sent her email. Finally the email was responded to. She told me she would be coming around 7:35. That was ok actually, but somehow I got irritated that she hadn't responded to the earlier attempts at communication. What was I expecting? The interaction with Lisa during the hand-off did not go well. That's because I was still irritated when she finally came by. We had to wait outside for a full 5 minutes! In restrospect I don't know why I needed to be irritated. Why I was so impatient. Later on when I thought more about it it came to me. Once again as typical of our past relationship, I would be thinking about how to help her and then I had some expectation that she would be as thoughtful and considerate. Just like I have to project that everyone should be as thoughtful and as considerate as I am, as if I'm always that way. This is an expectation, which of course, Lisa does not usually meet because she is usually thinking of herself. Tonight I brought her replacement phone and I was emotionally invested in getting it to her TONIGHT. As soon as possible. She asked me how much I owed her and I told her $79 but that the full cost of the phone was put on her credit card as a hold until she returned the phone. She made some comment/question about how I didn't trust her? I snapped back that it wasn't about trust. This was her phone. I don't want any of it on my credit card because I didn't even want to think about it.  It wasn't about getting paid back. I wanted to be clear of any energy related to it.  Something of course she could not possibly realize. And so the second I loaded Johnnie in the car, I closed the car door and I walked off. No goodbye no nothing. I guess I was not in a good state to begin with. Gee ya think? But I can forgive myself for all of that now. And I can ask for forgiveness too. Silently anyway. I spent the rest of the evening watching Picard S01E06. And watching post game stuff from another Lakers win and a very surprising UCLA win against Arizona State to get a tie for first in the Pac-12 standings. Wow. But all nothing but distractions really. I will have to deal with my ego being out-of-control I know that. I'm looking forward to that...