Hard Time To Get Going

I woke up really early this morning. And then got myself back to sleep. And managed to cobble 6 1/2 hours. I dozed back to sleep on the rhythm of Johnnie's sleep breathing next to me. I love hearing that child's snoozing next to me always. I always have to check on him... make sure he hasn't kicked off his blanket so he isn't cold. The other night he fell off the bed and just sat there dazed... and the following morning sported a nice red spot in his face where he evidently hit the floor.  He wasn't hurt or anything I don't think. He was just dazed for a moment or so. Sometimes he'll ask for me to hug him. I wonder if he is even awake when he does so. Early this morning I was just watching his eyelids flicker like he was in deep REM sleep and he was dreaming. He had asked the Universe last night that if he did have to dream, to please make it a good one. It was still really early in the morning when I did manage to get some nice meditation in for about an hour. It was going to be an uneventful Thursday morning. Until i got a text from Lisa that she has Johnnie's library book and that she'll be around if I decided to pick it up this morning before I drop Johnnie off at school. I'm not going to lie the immediate reaction was that there's Lisa trying to create drama again. Did I have to pick up the book? Then I decided to wipe away those thoughts and instead focus on the fact that she was merely trying to inform me. It was up to me to make the choice. But making that choice meant to get out of routine and get out the door 20 minutes earlier than usual. I chose to do just that. I hurried Johnnie through breakfast. Made him stop lollygagging through his Land-Before-Time video. Whizzed him right through getting dressed. We were out the door by 7:35. In front of Lisa's house by 7:41. Book was already on the porch. It took me all of 30 seconds and we were even EARLY parking on the street to start the walk to school! We were 5 minutes earlier than usual! And THEN the drop-off became uneventful. It was because I made it so. It was all good. And despite lollygagging myself when I got home to pick up around the apartment, I still got to the office by 9:15.

I found it hard to get going today. I just couldn't motivate myself even though I knew I had a pile of work to do. It was like I was in TANK DAY mode. I'd like to make the excuse that I'm simply not motivated ever since I found out about all the lay-offs that are coming tomorrow. After all I have to see these people in the face today KNOWING they aren't going to be here after tomorrow. I'm not particularly close to any one of them but it's still not a good feeling. It would have been really nice simply to put my head down and work on my invoice spreadsheet. But I just couldn't. I found other things to do. Which means I'm going to hurry my ass off about it on Tuesday. Sigh. I tried to focus on hand-off night and maybe leaving early so I could pick up some popcorn chicken for Johnnie's dinner at KFC. But at the last second, Sr Ruth came in to my office and needed help about a pdf file she's trying to send to the St Joe's Board of Directors. Why this is so difficult is something I caught myself thinking. At first I was so frustrated and showed it. Showed it to Sister Ruth. But I also got on the phone when Carol from the St. Joe's Board called just to walk through what's supposed to be happening, what she's supposed to be seeing, what she's supposed to be doing. And so I did my job. And showed her what to do. I was about 7 minutes late coming home to pick up Johnnie. And that's because I STILL stopped by KFC to get Johnnie's popcorn chicken. And had to deal with traffic on the way back. It was worth it to watch him gulp it all down though. By 7 PM I called Lisa myself since he was already getting antsy. I'm sure he knew his momma was coming to get him, he had already asked me if he was sleeping at her house tonight. Look at him with all of his Valentine's Day loot to take home in the pic. Lisa and I talked about possibly me seeing Johnnie on Sunday, this being a long weekend and all. It's ok. I had already emotionally prepared myself that i might not see JOhnnie again until Monday and that's ok. I'm sure I have lots to keep myself busy with. Starting tonight. By downloading the latest Picard episode. It was all good. Except the part about staring at my apartment without Johnnie in it. And going to sleep for the first time all week without him next to me. Man I hate that. I'm sure Lisa hates it too ...